K. Robinson - Tainted

Wake up, asshole! someone shouted at me.

I was too hungover to care. I groaned as I rolled over, but I refused to open my eyes. Whoever it was could go take a flying leap.

Wake! Up! the person yelled into my ear.

I felt like lightning was shooting through my head. My eyes opened slowly, and I saw Chloe glaring down at me. Chloe?

Good job. You know who I am. Now, get up.

I instantly went on alert at the anger in her voice. She was obviously still pissed about my little scene at the bar last night.

I slowly sat up and looked at her. Not so loud. My head is killing me.

Its really going to hurt after I get through with you, she said as she threw something at me. Look what fell out of your pocket.

My eyes widened as I realized what it was. I glanced back and forth between the bag and her, trying to think of something to say. Thats not mine.

Dont lie to me, Drake. Im not stupid! It fell out of your pocket! she screeched.

Eric stood up from his bed and put his hand on her shoulder to keep her from attacking me. Hey, calm down.

I watched as she turned to glare at him.

Stay out of this. Actually, I want you guys to give us a minute alone.

I, uhyoure kind of mad right now. I dont think thats such a good idea, Eric said.

No, I want to be alone with him. Please.

Eric seemed unsure, but Jade nodded.

Well be outside. Just yell if you need us, Jade said.

Chloe waited until Eric, Jade, and Adam left to turn back to me. Neither of us spoke as we stared at each other. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I felt my chest tighten as I watched them slide down her cheeks. I knew I was causing her pain, but I didnt know how to stop it.

How could you? she whispered.

I didnt I started.

She held up her hand. No, just stop. Tell me the truth.

I stood and reached out for her, but she pushed me away. That hurt more than I wanted to admit. I never wanted Chloe to push me away. Chloe, Im sorry. I didnt mean for it to happen.

Thats a lie. If you didnt want it to happen, you wouldnt have started using to begin with. Youve gone years without using. I thought you were done with this shit.

I was. I mean, I am. Everything got to me, and I wanted a release. I never meant to keep using, but things just kept getting worse, I said, trying to explain my reasoning. I knew using made me weak, but I couldnt help it.

Drugs are not a release. Theyre a prison. How long?

I looked away. I was ashamed and terrified to admit just how long Id been using cocaine again. I knew she would be disappointed, and I didnt want her to hate me any more than she already did.

How long have you been using again? she repeated the question.

When I looked up at her, I saw that she was actually shaking. Whether it was from pain or anger, I wasnt sure. Since the night Kadi showed up with the pictures.

Jesus, Drake!

Its not a big deal, all right? I said defensively. If she understood that I had it under control, maybe she wouldnt be so mad.

Not a big deal? Are you kidding me? You know what I went through with my mother, and Im not about to go through it again with you!

Rage filled me at the comparison to her mother. Im nothing like her. I would never hurt you like that!

You already did, Drake. Youve been lying to me this entire time. And dont even get me started on your anger issues. I wont do it again. I want you to get help.

What do you mean, help? I dont see what the big deal is, Chloe. Ive got it under control.

No, you dont, or you wouldnt still be using. I want you to go to rehab again. Pleasefor us.

Im not going to rehab, Chloe! Youre overreacting to all of this! I shouted, finally losing my temper. There was no way I was going back to rehab. Besides, I had it under control.

Then, stop using right now! she shouted back.

I will when we go back home. I promise!

Bullshit, Drake. You cant stop. Either you go to rehab, or were done!

My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out.

I mean it, Drake. Either you get your shit together, or Im walking out the door right now, and I wont be back.

You dont mean that, Chloe. You wouldnt just leave me like that. You love me.

Youre right. I do love you. But I have to do whats right for me, too. I cant be with you if you wont stop, Drake. Im sorry, but I cant do that again.

Just wait until we finish the tour, and Ill go. I swear to you, I will. I started to panic. She couldnt give up on me that easily.

No, I wont wait that long. Either you go now, or its over.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I kicked the bag next to me, and the contents scattered. Why are you doing this to me?

Because I love you, and I want you to get help! You havent been on them long, and it wont be hard to stop.

I cant do rehab. Just let me do this on my own. Please. I didnt need help. I knew I could handle this on by myself.

She shook her head. Im sorry, Drake, but if you wont go, then its time for me to leave.

You wouldnt really leave me, Chloe. Think about it. I love you. Hell, I want to marry you someday!

I winced as I watched her face pinch up in pain. It wasnt the best time to throw that at her, but I was desperate. I loved her more than life itself, and I didnt want to lose her. Maybe if she knew just how much I loved her, she wouldnt do this to me, to us.

Good-bye, Drake. I love you. She stepped closer to me and kissed my cheek.

Chloe, please dont go, I pleaded.

She ignored me as she walked off the bus.

I stood there, frozen for a moment. I wasnt sure what to do. I wanted to run after her, but what good would it do? She had made up her mind about me, and nothing I said would change her decision. I kicked my bunk before running to the window. As I looked out, I saw Jade, Eric, and Adam standing next to the door, talking to Chloe. I watched as Jade held her arms out, and Chloe fell into them. My heart broke when I saw Chloe sobbing while Jade rubbed her back. When Chloe pulled away from Jade, Eric stepped up to her and hugged her tightly. I felt rage fill me as I watched another man comfort her. She was mine, yet I was the one causing her pain. It shouldnt be Eric holding her, it shouldve been me. How could things have gotten so fucked-up so quickly?

She stepped away from Eric and started toward her car, but Adam stopped her. He surprised me when he wrapped his arms around her. Adam was never one to get all emotional, yet there he was, taking care of her. I really had fucked up.

I watched as he whispered in her ear, and she laughed. She stepped away and waved at everyone before she got into her car. She pulled away without a backward glance. I stood, frozen, as the band stood by the bus and watched her leave until she disappeared around the corner.

It seemed like hours before anyone moved again. I continued to stand by the window, unable to make myself move, as I realized that she was really gone. It wasnt just her blowing hot air in hopes of making me do what she had told me. My legs buckled, and I sank down to the floor, trying to process what had just happened.

Chloe had caught me, and now, she was gone. I looked down and realized that I was still clutching the bag that she had thrown at me. I felt rage take over as I threw it across the bus. It bounced off the table and landed on the floor a few feet away from me. One fucking bag had just ripped my life apart.

I sat there until the bus door opened, and the band walked in. I didnt bother to glance up as I saw three sets of shoes stop in front of me. I knew exactly what they were going to say, and even though I knew I deserved it, I didnt want to hear it.