Andy Boyle - Adulthood for Beginners: All the Life Secrets Nobody Bothered to Tell You

Dear human or literate cat,

This is an advice book. Youre right to ask, Why should I listen to this guys advice? He doesnt even have a good haircut. Correct, and ouch, my barbers doing the best he can. The only qualifications I have for writing an advice book is Ive lived a few decades, Ive failed a lot, and I dont want you to make the same mistakes as me. This book is a collection of the advice I wish Id had when I was younger. Ive gained it through years of awkwardness, mistakes, and, wow, a lot of bad dates. This book should act like some cheat codes for your life, allowing you to level up quicker, avoiding some pratfalls, hopefully while giggling along the way.

A bit about me: Im a journalist, more or less. Im not qualified to be that, either, but people keep letting me do it. I initially started college by majoring in vocal music performance, proof your parents shouldnt always let you follow your dreams. But I fell into writing for a living, working for my college newspaper, then bigger newspapers, then making websites, then giving talks at colleges and workshops. Then on the side I started doing stand-up comedy and improv, and writing funny things for money and so much more. Lots of failure along the way.

This book happened because Ive reinvented myself a few times. One thing I did was I went from being a balding, fat, and fun party drunk young professional to a skinnier and healthier nondrinking older professional. (Now featuring less hair!) I wrote a blog post near the end of 2015 detailing what I learned not drinking for two years. And in a tale as old as time, it went crazy viral. (The same thing happened to Jane Austen.) It ran in newspapers, all over the Internet, even on the Today shows website. (Hi, Matt Lauer!)

Months prior to my viralness, I wrote an early version of this book. I told myself I would try to get it published after I finished my mystery novel about a former stockbroker turned vampire who goes back to his hometown to find his missing sister during his ten-year high school reunion. (Yes its as awesome as it sounds.) Because if theres anyone you want advice from, its the guy who came up with that convoluted plot.

Then, during my virality period (which sounds like something from the Dark Ages) a second tale as old as time happened: A fantastic editor reached out, asking me about this advice book I mentioned writing in my viral blog post. (Just like Jane Austen!) Now, many months later, here we are. A book of advice exists and youre reading it right now!

In this book, youll hear a bunch of advice about life, love, happiness, health, dating, careers, hobbies, and not looking like a dumbass. I especially excel at the latter, because if anyones looked regularly like a dumbass and learned from it, its me. Heres a quick list of my biggest moments of awkwardness:

• I was once hired to give a talk at a college and they had some delicious food for the speakers. I complimented the hosts on their deep-dish egg pizza. They informed me the correct term is quiche. They didnt book me a second time.
• By accident I once called a boss Mom. This boss was also a man.
• A woman once broke up with me after seeing me at the grocery store. She had her new boy toy in tow and was like, Oh! By the way.
• In college I wrote a sex advice column once, about dealing with your dorm neighbors having loud conjugal relations, in which I referred to sex as the potato toss.
• I once was so fat I ripped my pants in the middle of a meeting at the eighth largest newspaper in America and then fixed those pants with duct tape.

See? Im a normal human, like you! Also, its important I mention this: I am a white heterosexual cis dude raised by two loving middle-class Midwestern parents, so I definitely see the world through that privileged lens. Ive tried to check that privilege whenever possible, but I know Ive made mistakes with that because Im not perfect (yet). Regardless, the advice in these pages should still be helpful to anyone trying to figure shit out. Or whos attempting to understand someone whos trying to figure shit out. (Hello, parents!)

This book is mostly about one big idea: We all fail a lot, and then we learn from it, and thats okay! Hopefully you can learn from my soul-crushing fumbles and jump ahead to the nifty parts of life, without having to spend almost a decade, like I did, just kind of treading water in the ocean of early adulthood.

Lastly, even if you think this advice is awful, I wrote a bunch of jokes. At the very least, I hope you laugh. I know I did while writing this.

Good luck. I believe in you.

ANDY BOYLE

Dictated but not read