Armin A. Brott - A Dad’s Guide To The Second And Third Years

Ill teach you about trucks, William, and you teach me about life.

Armin A. Brott

Abbeville Press Publishers
New York London

For Lumpty Goose, Roo, and the Zip, who constantly remind me that theres always more to learn

EDITORS: Jacqueline Decter, Susan Costello

DESIGNERS: Celia Fuller, Misha Beletsky

PRODUCTION EDITORS: Owen Dugan, Molly Dorozenski, David Fabricant

PRODUCTION MANAGERS: Elizabeth Gaynor, Louise Kurtz

Text copyright 2005, 1998 Armin A. Brott. Compilation, including selection of text and images, copyright 2005 Abbeville Press. All rights reserved under international copyright conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Inquiries should be addressed to Abbeville Press, 137 Varick Street, New York, NY 10013. The text of this book was set in Bodoni Book. Printed and bound in the United States of America.

First e-book edition: May 2010

E-book ISBN: 978-0-7892-1085-2

Cover photograph by Milton Heiberg. For cartoon credits, see page 288.

The print edition of this book is cataloged as follows:

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Brott, Armin A.

A dads guide to the toddler years / Armin A. Brott.1st ed.

p. cm.(The new father)

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Toddlers. 2. ToddlersCare. 3. Father and child. I. Title. II. Series.

HQ774.5.B757 2005

For bulk and premium sales and for text adoption procedures, write to Customer Service Manager, Abbeville Press, 137 Varick Street, New York, NY 10013, or call 1-800-ARTBOOK.

Visit Abbeville Press online at www.abbeville.com.

Many of the people who helped with the previous books in this series were, remarkably, willing to put up with me again. Even more remarkably, when I told them we were doing a completely revised second edition, they didnt change their phone numbers or e-mail addresses or run screaming in the opposite direction. So Id like to thank all of those people without whose help this book wouldnt have been possible. Some helped with the first edition, some with the second, some with both.

Bob Abrams gave me his confidence and support. Justin Anderson advised on everything having to do with teeth. Sharon Braz reviewed the section on big-time communication breakdowns between partners. Gene and June Brott, my parents, also read the early versions, babysat, and were a constant source of support. Jim Cameron and the folks at Temperament Talk generously shared their work on temperament, which opened my eyes to a whole new world. Susan Costello lent her support, encouragement, patience, and editing skills. Phil and Carolyn Cowan, who have studied fathers and families for decades, met with me and helped hone my ideas. Jackie Decter guided the first version through from start to finish and made it all coherent. Celia Fuller and Misha Beletsky created the outstanding design. Dave Gould, financial planner extraordinaire, reviewed the sections on financial and tax planning and made them far more accurate and accessible. Ken Guilmartin and Edwin Gordon spent a huge amount of time with me discussing the importance of teaching music to children. Jim Levine made the connections. Amy Handy smoothed out the rough edges in the first edition, and Miranda Ottewell in the second. Louise Kurtz expertly supervised the production. The research on fathers done by Rob Palkovitz, Glen Palm, and Ross Parke was an incredible inspiration. Dawn Swanson, at the Berkeley Public Library, helped select the kids books in the first edition. Heartfelt thanks to Liz, for her careful eye, support and encouragement, and beautiful soul; and finally, to the hundreds of dads Ive relied on over the years, who bravely and openly shared their insights, thoughts, fears, worries, advice, and wisdom.

I was just telling them that there used to be a show called Father Knows Best.

What image comes to mind when you hear the word toddler? Probably that of a child, small, but not nearly as helpless as an infant, walking, falling, walking again. A child brimming with confidence and eager to learn.

Much of the same could be said about the fathers of toddlers as well. Youve learned a huge amount over the year or so since your child was born, and youre really getting the hang of this parenting thing. But as confident as you are, something happens every day to remind you that theres still plenty more to learn.

Over the next two years your child will go from crawling to standing to walking to running, and from one- and two-syllable words to telling you that you dont know anything about anything. Psychologist Lawrence Kutner likens toddlerhood to a musical fugue in which the themes of intellectual, physical, emotional, and social development intertwine.

But the focus of this book isnt really on that. Sure, well spend some time discussing your childs growth and identifying developmental milestones. If you want an exhaustive study of child development, though, you need look no further than your local library or bookstore.

This completely updated edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dads Guide to the Second and Third Years is primarily about you and your musical fugue, about how fathers develop and grow over time. And thats something you cant find anywhere else. In writing this book I talked extensively with dozens of leading experts and studied the research and writings of many more. I also drew from my own experiences as the father of three, as well as from the interviews Ive done with hundreds of fathers about their experiences and feelings. It is my hope that giving you access to all this wisdom and experience will leave you far better prepared to meet the challenges of beingand stayingan active, involved father.

The big question, of course, is, Why bother to be involved? Three simple reasons: its good for your kids, its good for you, and its good for your relationship with your partner. Well talk about all of this in detail throughout the book, but let me give you a small taste now.

The benefits for your baby. The evidence is quite robust that kids who have contact with a father have an advantage over kids without that kind of contact, says Norma Radin, who conducted research on fathers for more than twenty years. And these benefits are evident very early in life. In one study, Radin found that children who were raised by actively involved fathers scored higher on verbal ability tests than children raised in more traditional families by less-involved fathers. In another study, toddlers whose fathers took a special interest in child care were consistently rated two to six months ahead of schedule on tests of development, problem-solving skills, and even social skills. And theres also a strong connection between kids math skills and the amount of contact they have with their fathers.