Table of Contents
For Fathers Day, Im giving my dad an hour of free tech support.
For the Goose, Roo Pie, and the Pokester, who never let me forget that there are no easy answers and theres always more to learn. And to Liz, who makes the second time around more fun than the first.
Acknowledgments
As Isaac Newton once wrote, If I have seen further it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants. For me, there are two groups of Goliaths who knowingly and unknowingly made this book and much of my other fatherhood work possible. First, the pioneering researchers who opened my eyes: Henry Biller, Phil and Carolyn Cowan, Pamela Jordan, Michael Lamb, Rob Palkovitz, Glen Palm, Ross Parke, Kyle Pruett, Norma Radin, and John Snarey. Then there are the hundreds and hundreds of dads Ive interviewed over the years, who bravely and openly shared their insights, thoughts, fears, worries, advice, and wisdom.
But all that information and inspiration wouldnt have meant much if werent for the amazing number of people who helped transform it into a book. Bob Abrams, Susan Costello, and Jackie Decter have been the godparents to the New Father series since it was in its infancy; Celia Fuller and Misha Beletsky created the design; Miranda Ottewell copyedited the text; Erin Dress was the production editor; and Louise Kurtz shepherded the production.
Jim Levine brought us all together; Sally Ann Berk helped with the research; Kenny Shea Dinkin shared his wisdom on all things tech; Susan Raab made some terrific book suggestions; my parents, Gene and June Brott, read some of the early drafts, babysat, forgave me for the blueberry muffins, and have been a constant source of support. And speaking of support, no one could possibly have been more supportive and understanding than my wonderful wife, Liz, who keeps me focused on whats really important.
Its just a correction. The fundamentals are still good.
Introduction
The preschool and school years are a time of tremendous changefor your child and for you. Over the course of just a few years shell go from having a vocabulary of a few hundred words to knowing more than you do; from sitting quietly on your lap while you read stories to reading by herself; from being completely dependent on you to scheduling her own play dates and managing her own social life; from being the center of the universe to being just another star. Along the way, youll catch glimpsessome wonderful, others frighteningof the adult your child is on her way to becoming. All in all, its a wonderful time, which is why were referring to the years from three to nine as The Wonder Years.
Those years are full of change for you too. During your childs preschool years the most significant interactions youll have with her are going to be physical, through play. At the same time, though, this is the stage of both of your lives when your relationship with each other will take shape and solidify. Its also a time when youll be figuring out exactly what your priorities are, what kind of dad you want to be, and how on earth youre going to accomplish your life goals.
As your child moves into the school years, youll continue to evolve. You may find yourself reevaluating your work-family balance, doing whatever you can to spend more time with your child because you know that the days of her cuddling up on your lap for a story are numbered. At the same time youll probably devote a lot of time thinking about the world your child is entering and looking for ways to change it, to make it safer and healthier.
Youll also spend some time pondering about how being a father has shaped your life... the bad back you have from spending years as a living piece of playground equipment, the lack of sex, having less disposable income because its all been spent on tuition, the minivan youd have never, ever set foot into a few years ago. And lets not forget about the good stuff: the incredible joy at watching your child grow, the pride you feel at her accomplishments, and the inspiration your child gives you to take better care of yourself. Being a father has made you the man you are today and forever altered your behavior, your priorities, your choices, your attitudes about the world and your place in it, and even where and how you live. In short, being a father has changed everything.
Fathering Your School-Age Child is the fourth book in the New Father series, which is devoted to exploring parenthood from the fathers perspective, understanding his experiences, examining the ways fathers and children affect each others growth and development, and giving men the tools they need to become the fathers they want to be. The first book, The Expectant Father, covered pregnancy and childbirth. The next two volumes, The New Father: A Dads Guide to the First Year and Fathering Your Toddler: A Dads Guide to the Second and Third Years, went from birth through your childs third birthday. Fathering Your School-Age Child picks up right there, and continues up until her tenth birthday.
Like the other books in the series, Fathering Your School-Age Child is the product of years of ongoing research. Ive talked extensively with dozens of leading experts and studied the research and writings of many more. Ive interviewed literally thousands of fathersand received e-mails and letters from hundreds moreabout their experiences, feelings, and in-the-trenches knowledge of what works and what doesnt. And from time to time Ive thrown in some of my own experiences as the father of three. Its my hope that giving you access to all this wisdom and experience will leave you far better prepared to meet the challenges of beingand stayingan active, involved father.
How This Book Is Organized
Although your child probably seems like a very big kidand she isher rate of growth is way, way down from her early days as an infant. And thats a good thing. Infants put on about a pound and a half and an inch in length every month. By her first birthday, the average baby has tripled her weight and increased her length by 50 percent. If she kept up that pace, by age four shed weigh in at about 650 pounds and be over eight feet tall. Fortunately, between ages three and ten, your child will get only a couple of inches taller and gain four or five pounds every year.
Because of this decreased growth and development, changes in your childs skills and abilities take place over longer periods of time. For that reason, Ive divided this book into seven chapters, one for each of the years we cover here. Each of these chapters contains the following sections:
Whats Going On with Your Child
In this section Ill briefly explain how your child is developing physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. This isnt meant to be a comprehensive look at child development. Instead, I just want you to know what your child is and isnt capable of at any given age. Where your child is developmentally will have a tremendous impact on how you interact with each other. Having reasonable expectations will make it much easier and much more fun to build and maintain a strong relationship.
