Linda Howe - How to Read the Akashic Records: Accessing the Archive of the Soul and Its Journey

I did not have a near-death experience. Its more like I hovered near death spiritually for a period of years. The situation was grimand I couldnt understand why. I had done everything right: had been a good girl, gone to college, studied hard, gotten good grades. I had a good job, a nice apartment. I had what looked like a fine life; I had everything I thought I wanted ... and I was miserable. Through sheer effort I had been able to achieve what I had set out to do, but all my accomplishments couldnt quiet the scream echoing up from a canyon in my soul.

No matter how I tried, I could never be good enough; my efforts just werent cutting it. Sometimes I would simply give up and let myself be as bad as I could tolerateall to secure a feeling of okay-ness, safety, or relaxation. It wasnt working.

Finally, in desperation, I prayed: God, if youre there, youve got to help me. I cant take it anymore. Help. Please.

Within six weeks of that urgent prayer, a remarkable thing happened. I was lying on my bed, feeling sorry for myself, and looking at a tree that had grown its way up to my third-floor window. Again, I called out to God for help: Tell mehow can my life look so good but feel so bad?

Then everything stopped. All the noise inside me came to a halt, and a sense of calm relief took its place. When I looked at the tree, I knew we were connectedI could feel it. Twenty-three years old, raised in the city, and not one to spend much time in nature, I was stunned by the experience. For a few moments I clearly felt myself one with the tree and with every other thing I could and could not see. The idea was immense, yet at the same time, comforting. I knew that my life was not a fluke, and that there was a God. Most important, I knew that this God liked me. Gods love had never been an issue; I always knew that God loved me. But I had never been sure he liked me. In that miraculous moment, my fears were calmed and my questions answered. The feeling of being known fully and loved absolutely (and liked!) was unmistakable. The experience was so powerful and so profound, and the reality of it so overwhelming, that Im still growing into it to this daynearly thirty years later.

Having been raised Catholic in the Midwest, my initial understanding of God was as the bearded old man in the sky. Feeling connected to the tree blew that idea apart for me. The God I encountered in that moment went far beyond my old concept. My new and expanded version of God was as more of a force field than a person. This force field seemed to contain a host of distinct qualities that converged in the momentpositive, energizing power mixed with exquisite sensitivity and tender compassion and kindness. There was a paradoxical sense of order without constriction: an orderly meeting of exuberant joy, deep stillness, precise awareness, and reverence for the momentand an open, expansive inclusion of all that is, all that has ever been, and all that will ever be ... occurring simultaneously.

Now, this was a God worth knowing! For a while, it seemed that there should be a better, more modern word to describe this power and its presence. Ultimately, though, I decided that the word God was the best term for me because it allows for this force fields unknowable, mysterious nature.

Since the episode with the tree, I have been blessed with many moments of heightened awareness. But that first conscious experience of the presence of God was the most riveting and transformational. In the blink of an eye, everything changed I changedand yet everything appeared the same. I knew that whatever that experience had been, I wanted more of it. I wanted to live my whole life from that place of being so known, so seen, so loved, and so liked. My search began.

I took off on my spiritual path with passion and enthusiasm. I sought to capture my initial experience and make it last, elongate it, duplicate it. My desire to experience again that sense of Light, power, and presence took me to a number of places. First, I went to churches and temples: a full range of them, from Catholic Charismatic, where praying in tongues is the norm, to Buddhist temples, where people practice meditation and detachment. Within a short period of time, I recognized that all religions were and are fundamentally good, and to this day I still participate in religious activities when I am moved to do so. But the revelatory experience Id had was not there, nor was it being sought. Instead, I encountered lots of rules and lots of pressure to follow them. Men were in charge, and women served refreshments: that was not for methe politics got in the way. I was struggling to accept my own sexual identity at the time and was fearful that the religious authorities would suspect the truth and I would be banished. It was clear then: traditional religion was not the path that would allow me to most deeply experience the presence of God as I had come to know it.

After my spiritual awakening, I felt so filled with Gods grace that I easily let go of the habits, thoughts, and behaviors that had been standing in the way of my spiritual development. At the same time, I was given the energy I needed to develop new life patterns. My ridiculous partying fell away with relatively little effort on my part. I had tried to clean up my act before, but it had been beyond my capabilities. Being touched in this way, however, caused me to effortlessly move in a different direction. Anyone who has experienced this type of healing knows just how mysterious and miraculous it is. No human effort can compare.

For a period of time, perhaps as long as six months after the Light opened up inside me, I was wide open in consciousness. I felt as if I had entered a new dimension of living, and in fact, that was what had occurred. Everywhere I went, I would get a hit, a sense of knowing that whatever I saw was Godan expression of Godand that I was one with it. Standing in line at the grocery store, I would quake at the realization that all who were present were one. Driving down beautiful Lake Shore Drive in Chicago, I easily accepted that everything I encountered was God and that I was a part of it. Passing the Cabrini Green housing projects jostled my world as that hit of awareness told me that this, too, was the face of God and that I was related to it. I felt a bit nutty, yet it was so much better than being stuck and miserable that I went with it.

My mother was a godsend during that time. She has a strong mystical awareness and is unafraid of spiritual reality. A progressive Catholic who has always been way ahead of her time, she supported me from her point of view, offering guidance and knowledge about the Mass, the mystery of the Trinity, and the Scripture. Her support of me has never wavered, and for this I am eternally grateful. Still, even her radical approach to a traditional path was not mine.

Having explored religion, I moved in the direction of self-help seminars. I attended tons of them, and I loved them all! Each one brought me something I needed: sometimes understanding, sometimes people, sometimes structure and organization. No matter where I went, I was blessed with something that supported my growth. Some of the workshops were positive, validating, and feel-good. Some were harsh, disturbing, and horribly uncomfortable. All of them contributed to my expanding awareness. What was missing from this pathway, however, was recognition of lifes spiritual dimension.