Acknowledgements
A very special thank you to Victoria Roddam and Sam Richardson at Hodder Education, and to those who shared their personal stories with me. I am also very grateful for oh, so many, many things.
Paul Jenner trained as a journalist with the regional newspaper group Westminster Press, later becoming a freelance writer. He is the author of more than 30 books, specializing in personal development and life skills, and has reported from all over the world. He believes in approaching happiness from as many different directions as possible there is no single technique, he says, that will bring about a breakthrough for everybody. His other titles include Beat Your Depression , Be More Confident , Be Your Own Personality Coach , Transform Your Life With NLP , Help Yourself To Live Longer and Have Great Sex . His books have been translated into several languages, including French, Spanish, Dutch and German. He has written for national newspapers including the Daily Telegraph and The Observer . When not working he enjoys activities that promote a spiritual connection with landscape and nature, including hiking, mountain biking, snowboarding, swimming and sailing. He now lives in Spain, between the mountains and the sea, with his partner, three ponies, two dogs and two sheep. He would be delighted to hear from you on his website www.pauljenner.eu .
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Choosing to be happy
In this chapter you will learn: how happiness can be learned how focused you are on happiness how happiness comes from both internal and external sources how happiness is the morally right course. |
Do you sincerely want to be happy? That seems like a ridiculous question. Of course you want to be happy! Who doesnt want to be happy? Well, in a moment well be finding out how happy you actually are, but its even more important to know how happy youre willing to be. The answer may surprise you. Lets see.
Self-assessment
You ask someone to do something for you and they forget. It wasnt a life or death situation but their oversight does cause some inconvenience. What do you do?
a Shrug it off after all, everyone forgets things now and then.
b Get angry.
c Say nothing but seethe inwardly.
Youre offered a new job at substantially higher money, but it involves a lot of stress, a 90-minute commute each way, and quite a lot of background work at weekends. What do you do?
a Turn the job down because it will be detrimental to your quality of life.
b Take the job.
Youve paid for work at your house and now you discover it was badly done. The builder refuses to accept that theres anything wrong. What do you do?
a Forget the incompetent builder and call in another builder to fix it.
b Get a solicitor and take the incompetent builder to court.
Youve just returned to your brand new car to find its been given a small dent. What do you do?
a Nothing dents are inevitable and, anyway, theres nothing you can do about it.
b Cry, because the car is ruined.
c Get angry.
Your boss gives you a raise and you feel pleased. Then you discover a colleague has been given a bigger raise. Now what do you do?
a Still feel pleased.
b Go back to the boss and complain.
c Feel cheated but say nothing.
Youve just given a speech. Everything went extremely well, except that you made a slip by saying a thousand times bigger rather than a hundred times bigger. How do you feel?
a Happy it went as well as anyone has a right to expect, with only one slip.
b Depressed I ruined everything by that stupid mistake.
Youve arranged to meet someone close and theyre now half an hour late. What are you thinking?
a No problem, Ill have another coffee while Im waiting.
b Something terrible has happened.
c She/hes always been inconsiderate.
Youve been for a job interview and are now waiting to hear the result. How are you feeling?
a Positive I have a good chance and even if I dont get the job, the interview will have been useful practice.
b Depressed I probably wont get this job or any job.
When somebody criticizes you, how do you handle it?
a Agree with any criticisms that are valid without getting upset.
b Defend yourself and attack them.
c Say nothing but resolve to get even when you can.
A visitor to your house falls down some steps and is hurt. How do you feel?
a Sorry theyre hurt but not responsible.
b Guilty, because it was your steps they fell down.
Youve probably guessed that a person whose answers are all a has the best chance of happiness. But you may feel that a is often quite unrealistic. Probably you feel you have a right to be angry in certain situations, that you have a duty to your family to earn as much money as possible, that cowboy builders should be taken to court, that being given a smaller raise than a colleague is an insult, that anyone who criticizes you should be attacked back, and so on.
But, remember, were not interested in how much money you make, or getting even with other people, or any of that stuff. Were interested in happiness . If you didnt score an a most of the time, youre just not focused on happiness, and thats the first thing you have to change.
So lets take a look at some quick happiness boosters. Read through the suggestions below, then try them out.
Try it now
Be grateful. Scribble down ten things you can be grateful for. Look at them and think about them. Remember that no matter how bad the situation seems, there are always these ten reasons (at least) to be grateful.
Forgive. Make the decision this minute that youre going to forgive someone against whom youve been harbouring feelings of resentment. Always let go of negative emotions when you brew poison against someone else, you only end up poisoning yourself.
Smile, play and laugh. Turn up the corners of your mouth, wrinkle your nose, raise your cheeks and narrow your eyes. How does it feel? Pretty good, eh! So go and do something completely silly immediately. Throw a paper aeroplane at the nearest person, tickle a friend, roll at your partners feet like a dog and ask to have your tummy rubbed, or put on some suitably exhilarating music, extend your arms and fly round the room. Anything. Now turn that smile into a laugh. Smiling, playing and laughing (even pretend smiling and laughing) are ways of reducing stress, boosting the immune system and increasing your happiness chemicals.
Key idea
Some people argue that you cant deliberately chase happiness because the things you think will make you happy seldom do in reality. Its quite true that most of us are fairly bad at predicting the things that would give us the greatest happiness. But you can learn how to make yourself warm and how to make yourself cold. You can learn how to make yourself hungry and how to make yourself full. You can learn all manner of things. Why should happiness be any different?
Keep smiling
Just to remind you to keep smiling youll find boxes like this one throughout the book. Theyll contain jokes relevant to the text. Only some of the jokes are funny. The jokes that arent funny are there to test your ability to smile through adversity!
