Meg Kennedy Dugan - It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship

Now in its third edition, Its My Life Now is a guide for survivors who have left an abusive relationship. It addressesin clear, non-threatening languagevarious issues associated with abuse and violence, including post-relationship emotions, psychological impact, dealing with children, personal safety, legal problems, and financial security. Each chapter dismantles common myths about being in and leaving an abusive relationship and contains activities for self-exploration that survivors can complete as they navigate a new life free from abuse. Recommended by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, this book is designed to benefit any survivor, no matter how much time has passed.

Meg Kennedy Dugan, MA, is the executive director of Voices Against Violence, a crisis center in Plymouth, New Hampshire. She serves on the local SART (Sexual Assault Resource Team) and is on the executive committee of the New Hampshire Violence Against Women Campus Consortium. For the past 17 years, she has worked with survivors of domestic and sexual violence and stalking.

Roger R. Hock, PhD, is professor of psychology and human sexuality at Mendocino College in Northern California. He is the author of Forty Studies that Changed Psychology: Explorations into the History of Psychological Research, 7th Edition (2012, Pearson) and Human Sexuality, 5th Edition (2016, Pearson). He received his PhD from the University of California at San Diego.

THIRD EDITION

Starting Over After an
Abusive Relationship

Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger R. Hock

Third edition published 2018

by Routledge

711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017

and by Routledge

2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business

2018 Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

The right of Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. The purchase of this copyright material confers the right on the purchasing institution to photocopy pages which bear the photocopy icon and copyright line at the bottom of the page. No other part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

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First edition published by Routledge 2000

Second edition published by Routledge 2006

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

A catalog record has been requested for this book

ISBN: 978-0-415-41518-7 (hbk)

ISBN: 978-0-415-41519-4 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-1-315-18164-6 (ebk)

Typeset in Sabon

by Wearset Ltd, Boldon, Tyne and Wear

Meg and Roger would like to express their sincere thanks to Anna Moore for her encouragement and support for this third edition of Its My Life Now. They also send all their best wishes out to those courageous survivors who have freed themselves from an abusive and/or violent relationship and are rebuilding a life free from fear and pain.

Meg would also like to thank her mother, Helen C. Kennedy, who continues to be a source of inspiration and guidance. Her lifelong dedication to social equity, as well as reverence for all life, have impacted all who know her. In addition, Meg wishes to acknowledge Tina, Tina E., and Sonja, all of whom for the past five years have shared with her their knowledge, passion, and insight into the understanding of survivors of domestic abuse. They have positively affected thousands of lives by helping those individuals know that they have options, are believed, and support is available.

W elcome to the third edition of Its My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship.

This edition, in addition to ensuring that readers who are survivors feel in charge of their own decisions and direction in life, helps to rebuild their self-esteem, thereby finding one more way to leave behind some of the remnants of the abuse they had to endure. From the publication of the first edition in 2000, through the second edition published in 2006, to the present, Its My Life Now has been helping to guide those who have managed to leave an abusive relationship into and through their crucial transition to a new life, a life free of abuse, violence, and fear. In this third edition we continue to provide this guidance, adding new, valuable insights and strategies, and updating chapters to reflect the latest approaches to recovering and rebuilding a life after abuse. This new edition also expands upon our discussion of the creation of and effects of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in survivors.

This can be an exciting time for you; yet, as you know, it is also a period of adjustment, insecurity, anger, confusion, self-doubt, and, at times a scary reentry into a new world. These feelings may emerge immediately after the relationship, or they may take months or years to surface.

Most books, articles, and other media about domestic violence focus on the abusive relationship itself: how to know if you are in one, why people stay in violent relationships, why you should leave, how to get out, and so on. Rarely is adequate consideration given to what many see as one of the most critical times for a survivor of an abusive relationship: the time after you leave.

, Abuse of Men by Women, and Abuse in Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Relationships. However, abuse by men against women is the most common form of relationship violence. Consequently, this book is written using female pronouns and discussing at length issues that particularly apply to women as victims and survivors. This in no way negates the horror of abuse in other types of partnerships. Anyone who has suffered from relationship abuse and domestic violence will find information throughout this book relevant and helpful.

Those who have never experienced an abusive or violent relationship often believe that once survivors find their way out, all difficulties are solved: life is good, they are safe, and recovery will be swift. But survivors know leaving is not the end of the nightmare. It is the beginning of a difficult, yet fulfilling and rewarding journey toward healing and happiness. This book can serve as your guide.

We have divided the book into three time frames that are relevant to the healing process for survivors of abuse: Looking Back ().

As you look back on your unhealthy relationship, your first step toward healing is acknowledging to yourself that you have, indeed, survived an abusive relationship. You may have no doubt that you were in an abusive or violent relationship. On the other hand, you may be hesitant to define your relationship in those terms. Now that you are out, feelings may be surfacing telling you your relationship was much worse than just difficult. assists you in reviewing the characteristics and behaviors of abusive relationships. It will help clarify the nature of your relationship and help you move forward.