Simon Rich - The Married Kama Sutra: The World’s Least Erotic Sex Manual

In the second century CE, the Hindu philosopher Vatsyayana compiled the Kama Sutra. The erotic manual depicts sixty-four sexual positions and has trained countless young lovers in the arts of pleasure.

Until recently, however, the book was incomplete. In 2013, archaeologists discovered a lost chapter from the Kama Sutra, featuring positions designed for married people. Vatsyayana apparently added this section toward the end of his life, based on his own experiences in a long-term, committed relationship.

The positions depicted in The Married Kama Sutra are somewhat less erotic than those found in the original work. However, as scholars, we felt a responsibility to present them to the public. All images have been reproduced in full color, and the text has been translated into English from the original Sanskrit.

Enjoy?

When the man is loading the dishwasher and the woman must come over, because he is loading it wrong, it is called the dishwasher position.

When the woman cleans an area near the mans feet to imply that he too should be cleaning, it is called the prodding position.

When the man passes gas in front of the woman, without so much as an apology, it is called the shifting of the standards.

When the man and the woman have eaten Indian food, and are too swollen with rice to make conversation, let alone love, it is called the beaching of the whales.

When the man snores every night, because he refuses to get the surgery, or try the mask, and the womans only option is to kick his unconscious body, in the hopes that this will somehow stop his snoring, it is called the shoving of the warthog.

When the woman spends hours at the hair salon and returns home with bangs, and the man has no reaction whatsoever, it is called the blindness of the mole.

When the woman catches the man performing self-congress next to her in bed, and incredulously asks Really? and then he just turns away and keeps going, it is called the determined jackrabbit.

When the man travels to a sporting event with other men, and the woman, in his absence, takes a long, hot bath and drinks wine out of a box, it is called a moments peace.

When the man and the woman close their eyes and try to determine the last time they made love, it is called the remembrance of the elephants.

When the man has his first weekend off from work in a month, and the woman makes him drive upstate to see her sisters, and they all talk about him like he isnt in the room, it is called inside the snake den.

When the woman enters the room, and the man quickly closes his laptop, because he has been looking up ex-girlfriends on Facebook, it is called a close call.

When the woman forces the man to join the book club with her, because she is afraid that they are becoming stupid, and the man tries to read the new Junot Daz, but he cannot get into it and so he feigns illness on the day that it is being discussed, it is called the weasel.

When the man and the woman decide to take an erotic shower, and it quickly degenerates into a real shower, it is called the self-conscious birdbath.

When the man and the woman are so swamped with work and child care that they must schedule their lovemaking days in advance, using iCalendar, it is called a new reality.