Bierce Ambrose - The devils dictionaries: the best of The devils dictionary & the American heretics dictionary

The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose BierceThis eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and withalmost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away orre-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License includedwith this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.orgTitle: The Devil's DictionaryAuthor: Ambrose BierceRelease Date: July 26, 2008 [EBook #972]Language: EnglishCharacter set encoding: ASCII*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ***Produced by "Aloysius", and David Widger

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The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in1881, and was continued in a desultory way at long intervals until1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers withthe title The Cynic's Word Book, a name which the author hadnot the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote thepublishers of the present work:

"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him bythe religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of thework had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it cameout in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitatorswith a score of 'cynic' booksThe Cynic's This, TheCynic's That, and The Cynic's t'Other. Most of thesebooks were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinctionof silliness. Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' intodisfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited inadvance of publication."

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the countryhad helped themselves to such parts of the work as served theirneeds, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and soforth, had become more or less current in popular speech. Thisexplanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, butin simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is notrifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be heldguiltless by those to whom the work is addressedenlightened soulswho prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor andclean English to slang.

A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of thebook is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets,chief of whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, FatherGassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To FatherJape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prosetext is greatly indebted.

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in thepresence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employeewhen addressing an employer.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbishoutside from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense ofthe high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship,with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women thisancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimesminister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, buttrue reverence for the one deity that men really adore they knownot. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the racewould become graminivorous.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small partof the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. Inthe last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in ahigh degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive qualityis rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thoughtand conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal isto be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a strivingtoward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than hehath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, theprospect of death and the hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soilof a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; theyfertilize.

By Abracadabra we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither?a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age An immortal part of speech! Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feet and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!" 'Twas all he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the mystical speech, Which they published next A trickle of text In the meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkablyvery! He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of acannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests aremost affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of anotherauthor's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with theproperty of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction;vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the considerationand affection of another.

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethoughtto remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchyis one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as hepleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, mostof them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where thesovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, andby republics, which are governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation ofdenying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstainsfrom everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity inthe affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You a total abstainer, my son." "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught "But not, sir, a bigoted one."Next page