A PLUME BOOK
YOU DONT HAVE TO LIKE ME
Virginia Ahern
ALIDA NUGENT currently resides in Brooklyn, where she gets dark lipstick on her bagels and tries to find dive bars that serve dirty martinis. She is also the author of Dont Worry, It Gets Worse.
Praise for Dont Worry, It Gets Worse
Reading Dont Worry, It Gets Worse is the equivalent of spending an evening out with your funniest friend. Nugent keeps you laughing from start to finisheven her asides are gems.
Rachel Dratch, Saturday Night Live cast member (19962007) and author of Girl Walks into a Bar...
Charming.... Nugent is a confection of fabulosity, a sharp and hilarious mind that falls a little bit in loveand a little bit in hatewith the ridiculous world around her. Her observations on post-collegiate life are somehow both cutting and warm, and all the more wonderful for it.
Sara Barron, author of People Are Unappealing: Even Me
Nugents voice comes across as loyal and tough, and her sense of humor and authenticity will appeal to readers going through related chapters in their own post-college lives. This book, like one of its myriad cocktails, is dry, dirty, and surprisingly refreshing.
Kirkus Reviews
If Liz Lemons younger sister existed, shed be just like Alida Nugent: a little bit awkward, perpetually single, and defiantly weird.
Book Riot
[Nugents] essays are warm, funny slices of postcollegiate life, including amusing and helpful bits of advice from a very real person.
Time Out New York
Honest, real, and hilarious.
Shelf Awareness
Humorous... [with] wickedly crafted insights.
New York Journal of Books
Painfully hilarious, eye-opening, and breathtakingly well-written. Nugent is a force to be reckoned with.... Well be hearing from her for years to come.
Dish Magazine
Depressingly realistic and hilariously offbeat.... Nugent is not afraid to tell the truth, no matter how ugly it gets.
Brooklyn Daily Eagle
PLUME
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
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Copyright 2015 by Alida Nugent
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CAT ALOGING-IN-PUBLICATI ON DATA
Nugent, Alida.
You dont have to like me : essays on growing up, speaking out, and finding feminism / Alida Nugent. First Edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-0-698-17603-4
1. FeminismHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.F44N84 2015
814'.6dc23 2015016560
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the authors alone.
Version_1
I had no second thoughts in dedicating this to my father. You passed along your love of books to me, and with that love you gave me more worlds than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for always believing in me and for sometimes letting me sit in your armchair.
Contents
Introduction
I ts an unseasonably warm winter morning, and I am in a good mood. The first thing I see when I arrive at work, twenty minutes late, is an e-mail. The subject line reads Be Safe, and it is e-addressed to three of my girlfriends.
Hey, it begins. Innocuous start. I am intrigued because the last time this friend sent me an e-mail, it was about paying her forty dollars for an all-you-can-drink brunch in Lower Manhattan.
Looks like there was an attempted assault in your neighborhood. I nod slowly and sip my coffee, like go on, you have my attention. Just be extra vigilant. It ends with a news link, as proof. I click it.
A man pushed a woman down to the ground while she was walking on the same block on which I buy my eggs, and she was now in the hospital. I think about myself on that block, hands full with bags of chips, Brie, and diet ginger ale.
The woman would be fine, the article said, but her attacker had gotten away. The police released a description whose sole detail was the fact that the man wore a sweatshirt. The comments in the article were about how stupid the woman was for walking home so late. Again, I think about myself, walking home tipsy from two-martini happy hour. I think about two a.m., when I dont have enough money in my wallet for a cab. I think about risk.
My friend Caroline responds to this e-mail first. I walk that way a lot. This makes me VERY NERVOUS. For once, I dont find the caps overkill.
I pitch in next: Guess its good I already hold my keys like theyre Wolverine claws! I add a little humor to mask what I really want to say: Im always afraid of walking alone at night. Do we have to be worried everywhere we go? And, of course:
It could have been me.
I have this thought all too frequently, not just when something happens on my block, or in Brooklyn, or in New York. Its because this type of story is unavoidable anywhere you are. Every time you read the news or turn on the TV, its like some sort of monstrous Groundhog Day: assaults that happen to women on a college campus, or on a street, or in the house of someone they trusted, or while on a jog around the neighborhood. And every day, we read these stories silently, at our desks or on our phones, finding reasons why it wouldnt have been us.
Well, I dont really walk home that late. I usually take a cab. I try not to get too drunk. I try not to take drinks from other people. I am so good at following my gut. I am so vigilant. I look behind me, even when Im wearing headphones.
But still, we know the truth. We know that it could always, always, be us. Or it was us. Or it was our best friend, or sister, or roommate. We know that walking late could be six p.m. or one a.m. We know that our gut is sometimes wrong. We know that we like to drink, and have fun, and meet new people. We know that we can always be wrong about the people we let our guard down around. We know why we are always scared.
So, to make us feel safer, we give each other tips.
Women are full of tips. There are good tips, like which translucent powder to use and how to find the right shapewear for particular dresses. There are recommendations of cheap yoga places and lunch spots and lemony olive oil. There are other tipsnever leave your drink unattended, give your friends the address of the restaurant where youre meeting that guythat are more about preserving life than hairstyles. Both are normal and needed.