Keith Waterhouse - Keith Waterhouse: Collected Plays

KEITH WATERHOUSE
COLLECTED PLAYS

This collection first published in 2012 by Oberon Books Ltd

This electronic edition published in 2012 by Oberon Books Ltd
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This collection copyright Keith Waterhouse Limited 2012
Our Song copyright Keith Waterhouse 1993
Billy Liar copyright Waterhall Productions 1960
Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell copyright Keith Waterhouse 1991
Good Grief copyright Keith Waterhouse 1999
Mr and Mrs Nobody copyright Keith Waterhouse 1986
Copyright illustration Mark Reeve 2011

Keith Waterhouse and Willis Hall are hereby identified as authors of these plays in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The authors have asserted their moral rights.

All rights whatsoever in these plays are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before commencement of rehearsal to The Agency (London) Ltd, 24 Pottery Lane, Holland Park, London W11 4LZ, info@theagency.co.uk. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the plays without the authors prior written consent.

Applications for performances of Our Song, Billy Liar, Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell and Good Grief by amateur companies should be made before commencement of rehearsal to Samuel French Ltd., 52 Fitzroy St., London W1T 5JR (email: theatre@samuelfrench-london.co.uk).

Extracts from Send in the Clowns by Stephen Sondheim 1973 (Renewed) All rights administered by WB MUSIC CORP. All rights reserved.

You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) In any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-84943-272-6
EPub ISBN: 978-1-84943-257-3

Cover image by Mark Reeve; markreevecartoonz.webs.com

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OUR SONG

ADAPTED FROM HIS OWN NOVEL

Send in the Clowns, Stephen Sondheim, copyright Revelation Music Publishing Corp. & Rilting Music.

Rights administered by WB Music Corp.

All rights reserved. Used by permission.

First performed at the Apollo Theatre, London, on 3rd November 1992 with the following cast:

ROGER PIPER , Peter OToole

ANGELA CAXTON , Tara Fitzgerald

JUDITH PIPER , Lucy Fleming

BELLE PARSONS , Cara Konig

CHARLES PECK , Jack Watling

GUNBY T . GUNBY , Donald Pickering

MAITRE DE LHOTEL , William Sleigh

Director, Ned Sherrin

Designer, Tim Goodchild

ROGER PIPER

An advertising executive, in his 50s

ANGELA CAXTON

His mistress, in her late 20s

JUDITH PIPER

His wife

CHARLES PECK

His partner

GUNBY T . GUNBY

Owner of a hotel guide

BELLE PARSONS

A friend of Angelas

MAITRE DE LHOTEL

PROLOGUE

We discover ROGER pecking away on a portable typewriter at a small table. After some moments he addresses the absent ANGIE (to whom he will be talking constantly throughout the play.)

ROGER: She thinks Im writing a novel. A splendid idea, she calls it therapy. And so it is, but for a different trauma than the one she imagines Im going through. At my age the experience is shattering, bruising and the ultimate disillusion but it isnt terminal. I can tell, simply by putting our affair on the scales and comparing it with all the lightweight, short-weight, make-weight relationships Ive had before, that youll be with me now until my death. But you wont be the cause of it. Relax. This is the last and longest letter Ill ever write you, and you can take that pained little smile off your face its not what you used to call one of my whingeograms. Its a love letter, Angie. Therapy.

SCENE 1

The patio of ROGER s house in Ealing.

A christening party has spilled out on to the patio, where several guests are sipping champagne and chatting. A young woman dressed all in black, with a black veil, talks to another guest, her back to ROGER .

ROGER enters the scene, still addressing ANGIE .

ROGER: You were born, I once said and you were not amused with a silver cock in your mouth. My count on your ex-sleeping partners at Tims christening party stands at half a dozen confirmed and two suspected, and none of them arrived in anything less than a Porsche. Was it by choice or chance that you set your sights at the advertising racket?

The young woman now turns, spots ROGER across the patio, raises her veil and her glass and favours him with a ravishing smile. As he responds, his wife JUDITH turns away from another guest and joins him.

JUDITH: Roger, who is that extraordinary creature dressed all in black?

ROGER: Angela Caxton? I suppose shes what you might call a freelance factotum.

JUDITH: Is that what theyre known as these days? Who brought her?

ROGER: I dont think anybody did.

JUDITH: Did you invite her?

ROGER: Certainly not.

JUDITH: But she cant just have walked up the drive thinking, Hallo, theres a party, Ill just wiggle in on my stiletto heels and help myself to champagne.

ROGER: From what Ive heard, its exactly the kind of thing she would do.

JUDITH: And youd find that amusing, would you? What does she think this is Breakfast at Tiffanys?

ROGER: (As a narrative aside.) To tell you the truth I was with Judith on that one. I hate, quote, characters. But I was falling in love with you, wasnt I? Across an uncrowded patio.

JUDITH: In black from tip to toe and top to...bottom, I shouldnt wonder. Do you suppose she meant to gatecrash a funeral and came to the wrong house?

ROGER: (As a narrative aside.) I guessed that the black outfit was your only set of what you called your dressing-up clothes. My heart lurched in pity the first constituent of my love. (To JUDITH .) When women dress to startle its usually because they lack confidence.

JUDITH: Its more often because they lack taste. So come on, Roger what does she want?

ROGER: (As a narrative aside, looking across at ANGIE .) Me, its to be hoped... (To JUDITH .) I can only imagine shes meeting someone here.

JUDITH: Its Timothys christening party, not a place of assignation. How does she come to know you anyway? Or you her?

ROGER: (To himself.) Luigis... (As a narrative aside.) It should have been Our Restaurant by now, but we never had one, did we? Or an Our Pub or Our Wine Bar or Our Hotel. We did have an Our Song, though, but you didnt know the words. Did you, my dear?

JUDITH: Well?

ROGER: I hardly know her at all. We were introduced by Hugh Kitchener...

His partner CHARLES PECK , who has been hovering, joins in the conversation.