Table of Contents
For my editors,
Lauri Hornik and Liz Waniewski. Lauri, thanks for trusting me with your baby; Liz, thanks for seeing beyond the awkward, angsty stages of early drafts. Youre both brilliant.
Chapter One
My name is Natalie Rowan. Everyone knows that. Only a select few, however, know Im the evil genius behind my nom de plume, Dr. Aphrodite. That might seem like a pretty hefty title for a seventeen-year-old junior whos not even sure shes officially made it to what my mom refers to as heavy petting. (Ew. I know. But my other options third base, which is suspiciously 80s, right? Come on, inventors-of-sexual-euphemisms, get on the job!)
To be honest, I dig having a secret identity, even if it is kind of a misnomer. I think everyone should have at least a part of them thats self-invented; in fact, the world would be much more interesting if we all created our own identities afresh whenever we felt like it. Otherwise youre just walking around regurgitating whats expected, which is like, why bother? I actually plan to mess up my life and start over every seven years. That way, Ill never get in a rut. I read somewhere that most of your cells only live about seven years anyway, so in theory you literally are a new person; I figure thats the best time to start over.
I created Dr. Aphrodite when I started writing our school papers relationship column last year. Its mostly a Dear Abby type deal, where people write in with questions about love or sex or whatever and I answer them. Occasionally I sound off blog-style on some current obsession of mineas long as I can get it past our semi-fascist censors and its relationship-oriented, youll see it in my column. Ive covered topics like Promnesia (when perfectly sane people forget about everything except spray tans, strapless dresses, and dyed-to-match pumps), Brazilaphobia (fear of overly zealous hair removal), and Face Relations (getting it on with people via Facebook).
Just so you know, being Dr. Aphrodite isnt always easy. I have to guard my clandestine writing life so carefully, I sometimes feel like a secret agent. I sort of hoped writing about romance might help me scare up a little of my own, but so far that plan hasnt worked in the slightest. While I dispense sage advice to the masses about how to make their love lives thrive, my own is virtually nonexistent. Thats one of the reasons nobody can know my alias; whos going to seek advice from a love expert whos never been in love? Even though my columns super-popular, it doesnt exactly earn me friends and admirers. Only my two best friends and my editors know its me behind the smoke and mirrors. Youd think at least they would respect me for my massive following, but I sometimes suspect they dont take Dr. Aphrodite very seriously.
Which is sad, really. Because whats more serious than love?
As I walk into the Journalism room, I can hear my editors, Rachel Webb and Chas Marshal, snickering. Theyre hunched over the computer screen, avidly reading something on the Mountain View News website. At the sound of my footsteps Rachel turns. For a second she looks caught, but the guilty impulse passes almost instantly from her face. Her eyes sparkle as she peers at me over her glasses, pink rabbit nose twitching with delight.
Look at this one, Chas says, all excited. Some guy actually called her a
Without taking her eyes off mine, Rachel lets out a polite little cough.
Chas spins around and, seeing me, plasters on a fake smile. Hi, Natalie.
Rachel says, Hows Dr. Aphrodite?
Fine. My voice comes out high-pitched and nervous; my gaze flits from Rachel to Chas and back again. Whats up?
Your latest columns getting lots of attention. Chas leans back in his chair. Have you seen the message board?
Not since last night. Why? Whats going on? My tongue suddenly feels dry as sandpaper.
He stands and gestures at his chair. Go aheadcheck it out. We havent gotten this many comments since those hackers posted porn on our homepage.
Reluctantly, I sit. The page shows my column, its borders afflicted with hearts and cupids. I was able to override the cheesy layout in our print version, but somehow it slipped through online. Bleh. I write a thought-provoking, cutting-edge column about dating in the new millennium, not a Hallmark card. Whatever. I skim my column, comforted somewhat by its familiarity.
Dear Dr. Aphrodite,
Help! I really, really like this guy and I think he likes me, but is afraid to make a move. Im very popular (sorry, but I am) and hes kind of a notch below, socially (dont hate me! Im just being honest). Sometimes I catch him looking at me, but he never says anything because hes super-shy. A few times Ive tried to start up conversations with him, but it didnt go anywhere. I think hes intimidated by my social status. Should I ask him out?
Sincerely,
Hot for the Art Boy
Dear H-FAB,
I can see your quandary. Youre a gorgeous, charismatic, goddess of fabulosity (I dont know you, but Im reading between the lines). Art Boy is obviously intimidated! Youre like the sun and hes squinting up at you, barely able to see because of your blinding radiance.
Should you ask him out? Of course you should! I bet hes pining away for you right this second, trying to work up the courage just to say hi. Put the boy out of his misery! What do you have to lose? If he says yes, and he can get over his inferiority complex, you might make a great couple. If he says no, dont even trip; it would only prove that hes too insecure to handle your tremendous power and beauty.
I scan the page and see a series of comments have been postedfifty-three, to be exact. As I reach for the mouse and scroll down to view them, I can feel cold sweat breaking out along the back of my neck. Chas mutters something under his breath and Rachel suppresses a laugh, which turns into an unattractive snorting sound. I shoot her a dark look; she bites her lip.
Posted by: Shredder103
Ive been reading your column ever since you started it last year, and I havent said anything, but Ive got to speak up because its getting out of control. Every single week girls write to you for advice and all you ever tell them is what they want to hear. You have no idea how guys think or feel about anything! All youre doing is helping girls at this school perpetuate their delusions about the world and how it works. Not once have you ever told them anything useful or sane from a guys point of view. Do us all a favor and stop!
Posted by: BeerHog
i fully agree w/ shredder. who do u think u r dr. aphrodite? last month my gf wrote u complaining i play video games when i should be w/ her and now shes nagging me about going 2 couples counseling. COUPLES COUNSELING? WTF??? im 15!!! damn, gimme a break.
Posted by: Joey
srsly, ur ruining our lives! all the chicks @ mt view high listen to u and all u do is fill their heads w/ BS!! chas, fire her already!!!
