Matt Youngmark - Zombocalypse Now

Zombocalypse Now. Copyright 2009 by Matt Youngmark. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

First edition, August 2009

Chooseomatic Books and the Chooseomatic Books and Atherton Haight logos are registered trademarks of Atherton Haight.

www.chooseomaticbooks.com

Interior illustrations by Matt Youngmark

Cover illustration by Matt Youngmark with color by Thuy Tran

LCCN: 2009908367

Library of Congress Cataloging-In-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 13: 978-0-9840678-0-0

ISBN 10: 0-9840678-0-9

You sit in a booth by the window, waiting for your date with a mix of anticipation and dread. Internet dating has not been kind to you in the pastthat one night at the bowling alley will likely haunt your dreams foreverbut hope springs eternal. Also, desperation. But you try not to think of it that way.

This particular match seemed promising when the two of you were exchanging e-mails, but experience has taught you to keep expectations low. Photos tend to be a few years old (or self-portraits taken from just the right angle to mask an extra chin), and the wit and charm of a carefully crafted e-mail doesnt necessarily translate to in-person social skills. Granted, its possible that you havent been one hundred percent forthcoming yourself. Throughout the week-long back and forth with your prospective date, you may not have gotten around to mentioning that youre a stuffed bunny.

The fact that youre a stuffed bunny hasnt actually come up.

Of course, your last match was fine with the bunny thing, but couldnt believe you didnt mention that you smoke. That much you fixed; youve been a non-smoker for almost 72 hours now. And lord, you need a cigarette.

You check the time (still two minutes before seven, though it feels like youve been sitting here for hours) and then start absentmindedly reviewing the appetizers listed on the plastic table display. Sweetbread? Ewisnt that cow brains or something? The restaurant is a spaghetti house, and you never knew that dish was Italian. But then, the deep-fried ravioli blasters dont sound terribly authentic, either.

Suddenly you feel a hard bump against the table, which knocks two glasses of water square into your lap. Yiiiee! You jump to your feet, grabbing your napkin in a vain attempt to mop up your clothes, and risk a glance at your assailant.

Sure enough, your date has arrived.

Some vague approximation of the person portrayed on PerfectForeverLoveMatch.com plops down across from you. Missing from the ad, though, were the vacant stare, the slack-jawed expression, and the exaggerated slouch. Theres no apology for the spill, or even an acknowledgment that water is still dripping from the table. Yeah. The bunny things a deal breaker, you think. Your disappointment ends quickly, though, as you catch a whiff of something powerful and rancid. The singles profile had mentioned working as a dental hygienist, and yet hygiene is clearly not your dates top priority.

You introduce yourself with a slightly forced smile and get a low grunt in return. Classy. Okay, time to launch into the mind-numbing small talk. So, you work in a dentists office, huh? My aunt actually works for a...

Nnnnnnngggg, your date cuts you off.

Youre right. Lets not talk about work. You were going to tell a story about a free promotional tube of toothpaste, and you realize with embarrassment that it was the most potentially interesting thing you had up your sleeve. Uh, should we ask for some more water? What you actually need is a towel, since youre still sopping wet from the spilled drinks. Do you want to get an appetizer or something?

Brrraaaaaaains, your date replies.

Splendid. You were hoping to get food on the table as quickly as possible so youd both have something to distract from the strained conversation, but if it comes to a choice between trying the sweetbread and actually talking to your dream date here, youre not sure which appeals to you less. You glance at your watch7:03and cant help contemplating escape routes.

If you say youre heading to the restroom to dry off your clothes and then break into a run as soon as youve cleared your dates line of vision,

If you stick around just a little longerits humiliating, but you have to admit that so far this is only your third or fourth worst blind date

Hey, Im going to dry off a bit, you say, getting up from the table. Be right back! That last part came out a little abruptly, and as you casually stroll toward the restrooms, you feel a twinge of guilt for lying. Then you hear your date aggressively ordering the appetizer.

Braaaiinns! Brrraaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinns! You skip out the front door and realize youll have to go around the whole block to avoid passing the window where your date is sitting. As you round the corner, however, a woman runs past you in the other direction, screaming. You catch a whiff of the same odor you smelled a moment ago at the table, and see one man kneeling over another on the street. He looks up at you, although his eyes dont seem to be focused on anything. Both men are covered in gore, and youre shocked to discover that the first one appears to be eating the second.

Brrrraaaaaiiiiinnnns, the attacker moans, getting up from his victim and starting toward you in a slow lurch. Its clear that he hasnt satisfied that particular craving, considering hes been gnawing on the other mans leg. You may be slow on the uptake in awkward social situations, but youve seen enough horror movies to recognize this threat in its proper context.

That, my friend, is a zombie.

If you flee to alert the authorities before the zombie threat endangers the whole city,

If you try to fight the zombie, since theres a slim chance the man on the ground can still be saved,

Cowardice has gotten you this far. Why mess with a good thing? You run as fast as your plush bunny legs can carry you. The good news is that when youre running for your life from zombie policemen mounted on nightmarish undead steeds, you dont need to outrun them. You only need to outrun the person next to you.

The bad news is that Mittens can outrun you. For the record, she does make it to her car, and blows away the zombie horses and their riders with a sawed-off shotgun she keeps in the trunk. She then goes on to lead a group of survivors into the mountains where she founds a new organic farming-based society that waits out the global plague and repopulates the planet after a few decades when the zombies die off.

This isnt much consolation for you personally, though, as you feel zombie hooves bear down on you. Youre already dead when you hit the ground, before the feast of your organs even begins.

You get eaten by a zombie pony.

THE END

Weve kept alive this long by sticking together, you say. And every one of you that gets bitten out there just makes one more animated corpse for me to deal with. So we stay together. And we head toward the valley.

You help Isabelle to her feet and start down the trail. To your mild surprise, your pep talk seems to work, and the whole group follows. Its slow going, however. You can hear the zombies following not far behind, and from the sound of it, their numbers are growing. Eventually you come to a narrow path between two steep cliffs. The campsites lie just on the other side. Hold up! Daryl says, opening his duffel bag. My explosives! If I set them off here, this whole mountain will come down. We can crush those undead bastards under a landslide!