Jeff Busch - Zombie Love: The Dos, Donts, and It Depends of Undead Dating

Zombie
Love

The Dos, Donts, and
It Depends of Undead Dating

Jeff Busch, Ph.Z

STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo
are registered trademarks of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

2012 by Jeff Busch
Illustrations 2012 by Jeff Busch

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the publisher.

ISBN 978-1-4027-9228-1 (paperback)
ISBN 978-1-4027-9229-8 (ebook)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Busch, Jeffrey, 1962

Zombie love : the dos, donts, and it depends of undead dating / by Jeff Busch, Ph.Z.
p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-4027-9228-1 (print book) ISBN 978-1-4027-9229-8 (ebook)
1. ZombiesHumor. 2. Dating (Social customs)Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.Z65B87 2012
818.602dc23

2011038780

For information about custom editions, special sales, and premium and
corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales at 800-805-5489
or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.

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Dating isnt always easy. In fact, it can be downright terrifying. You would think since your heart stopped beating it would be easier to let someone into your chest cavity, but opening up is just as scary for the undead as it is for the living. All of the insecurities you had when alive probably followed you to the grave and rose back up stronger than ever, just like you.

But dont despair. Even though youre a foul, rotting, reanimated corpse driven by a hunger for living flesh, finding romance is not impossible. Some of the challenges remain the same, like where do you go to find a date? Some will be new, like what if he/she/it is repulsed by your exposed muscle tissue?

YOUR AFTERLIFE GUARD

Zombie Love is here to help you navigate the waters of the befouled dating pool and hunt down your better half. You will learn how to make informed decisions by asking yourself eternally applicable questions: Who or what is your ideal lover? What does it mean to slip on that ring? And does that particular individual still have a finger on which to actually wear that ring?

There are quizzes along the way that will steer your romantic aspirations in the attainable (not edible) direction. Look, its not brain surgery to find a brainless beauty; you just need to nail down what it is youre looking for. And then you will know just where to find itbe it at the communal dinner spot in the woods or at a singles zombie shamble. This book is packed with more ideas than you can shake a bat at on where and how to get a date.

YOUR PERSON(ISH)AL TRAINER

Once you land a dead one, Zombie Love will teach you the art of planning the perfect date. Just because your flesh is mostly rotten doesnt mean running a comb through your hair and covering up your stank with some odor neutralizers doesnt help. Looks (and smells) still count! With Zombie Love in your back pocket, you can get over those nerves you thought died when you did. Just relax, take a deep ragged breath, and remember that the zombie sitting across the torch-lit table from you is experiencing the same sensation of maggots in their stomach that you are.

But what if youre sitting across from a hot fleshbagone that elicits a different kind of hunger? Zombie Love has the answers on breaking the taboo of inter-living dating, dealing with the prejudice against it, and resisting love at first bite.

YOUR POST-LIFE COACH

After youve mastered the first date, youre bound to get a second one, and before you know it, youre in a relationship! The view on love is a little different with a post-death perspective. Be prepared for a whole new breed of issues. For example, having dinner with a significant others family is always awkward, but itll be a nightmare if you treat Aunt Gladys like an appetizer.

If you have gotten past all of those stages, you might be hearing wedding bells (if your ears havent sloughed off yet, of course). Tying the knot means more than deciding between postmodern furniture or the comfort of moldering rags and a cool dirt pit. And you can trust this book to help you discern what battles are worth fighting and when you should just groan and make up.

Through all the trials and tribulations of dating and beyond when beyond the grave, Zombie Love will be your unfaltering guide to reanimating the ragged wad of muscle that used to be your heart. After all, nobody wants to end up alone the second time around.

DIGGING AROUND IN THE RIGHT PLACES

Whether youre a not-so-fresh-faced teenager wading into the contaminated waters of the undead dating pool for the first time or a well-preserved veteran slowly creaking back into the saddle, dating can be an intimidating experience.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN START?

For the newcomers, the world of attractive flesheaters seems like its shrouded in mystery. You ask yourself, How do I approach someone I like? What do I say? Do you simply shamble up to someone you find attractive and ask them out, or do you get to know them before asking for a proper date? Would they prefer to go for fast food pulled into the shadows of a back alley or a fancy meal thats been thoughtfully laid out on the cement floor of a trash-strewn warehouse?

The answers depend on both who you are and how you think that zombie may respond. Consider both your character and theirs from the get-go. If you are a gregarious night stalker who is great at initiating interesting conversations, then by all means dazzle your prey! If youre more of a reserved revenant, then you need an arsenal of icebreakers to get the conversation going. Either wayunless youve been professionally embalmedtime is not on your side, so get to it!

PROTECT YOURSELF AND WHAT USED TO BE YOUR HEART

When it comes to matters of your heart, err on the side of caution. Sure, unlife seems smooth and slow-moving in movies like Night of the Living Dead, but the real world is a little more barbed. Even though your heart is no longer beating, it can still be broken by zombies and breathers alike. There is an intense bias against the life-challenged, so be mindful on the dating scene. Chatting up a bonny lifer may be met with a friendly smile, but youre more likely to get a shrill scream followed by a thwack to the head.

So, you just recovered from your post-life/pre-reanimated slumber and cleared the fog from your eyes (or blood, depending on your circumstances). Now, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror.

HEY, GOOD LOOKING!

You may notice things are a little different than they used to be, but remember that this is a whole new life (sort of), and the standards of beauty have changed. If you died with minimal trauma, your complexion might be in good shape and all you need is a little rouge, cover-up, and a quick comb through your hair to keep the whimpering of passersby to a minimum. Throw on a pair of sunglasses and a new shirt and you might just pass for a lifer! Consider yourself lucky; very few of the undead start off in such good condition.

If you are part of the majority who begin their post-death existence with some visible damage, rest easy in the fact that you are not alone. You may not be attractive in the traditional sense, but you can be a hottie by the new zombie standardsa rottie!