Baratunde Thurston - How to Be Black

How to Be Black

Baratunde Thurston

To my mother, Arnita Lorraine Thurston, who embodied authenticity and taught me how to be black, American, human, and awesome. I miss you, Mommy Lady.

Contents

Thanks for Celebrating Black History Month by Acquiring This Book

Be not afraid of blackness. Some are born black. Some achieve blackness, and others have blackness thrust upon them.

Shakespeare

W elcome to How to Be Black , a book I hope will serve as a thrust of blackness in your general direction.

First, lets get the disclaimer out of the way. This book is not How to Become a Black Person If You Are Not Already Black . You cannot use this book as a magic potion. You cannot digest the printed copy and expect some supernatural physical transformation beyond painful indigestion. If you purchased the book with the intention of changing your race, I thank you for your money, but there will be no refunds. None.

Now, more to the heart of the matter, the odds are high that you acquired this book during the nationally sanctioned season for purchasing black cultural objects, also known as Black History Month. Thats part of the reason I chose February as the publication date. If youre like most people, you buy one piece of black culture per year during this month, and Im banking on this book jumping out at you from the bookshelf or screen. Even if youre reading the book years after its original publication, its probably February-ish on your calendar. Thats absolutely fine. Youre doing your part to celebrate blackness, whether you are black or not, so Im going to run with that and offer you some helpful instructions for how to take further advantage of this month. You asked for it. You got a book called How to Be Black , so dont start complaining now.

There are, of course, small everyday opportunities to celebrate blackness: covertly swapping birthday confetti to red, black, and green colors; giving the secret head nod and mild fist pump to a black person across the restaurant; stealthily assembling forty-acre tracts of suburban land and mules for conversion into African-American farmland and militia-training grounds. The list is endless. But what should one do during the official month designated by the U.S. government for the celebration of black history?

Even for black people, this is no simple task, and if youre not black, well, wow, the confusion! One can find oneself at wits end in an attempt to properly recognize the contributions of an entire race to an entire nation across an entire month. Things werent always this complicated.

In 1926, Negro History Week was established by the black historian and author Carter G. Woodson. It was expanded to a full month in 1976 after the government realized that black peoples demands for self-determination and an equal seat at the table of American opportunity could be satisfied either through a comprehensive program of economic and political empowerment or by extending the buying season for postage stamps featuring noteworthy black Americans by a factor of four.

Since the establishment of Black History Month, other groups have been similarly honored.

March is shared between Women and Irish-Americans, and May among Jews, Asian Pacific-Americans, and older Americans. Old people get one-third of a month!

June has been reserved for honoring gay and lesbian pride along with Caribbean-American heritage, explaining Junes better-known name as Best Parades Ever Month.

Given the rapid demographic changes facing America, you would expect a Latino History Month by now, but National Hispanic Heritage Month covers September 15October 15 . While it is a four-week period of time, its not technically a month and forces those honoring the nations Latinos to buy two calendars.

November is National American Indian Heritage Month, in which Americans are encouraged to recognize the contributions of native peoples to our great nation by eating turkey and enjoying the bounty of the stolen lands beneath our feet.

For schoolchildren, the Black History Month ritual is simple and automatic: make posters out of construction paper; attend the obligatory assembly; and learn one Negro spiritual. Exactly one. Probably Wade in the Water.

The options for adults, however, extend far beyond this narrow set of preprogrammed activities. In order to simplify your celebratory options, Ive hand-selected this list of ten ways one can celebrate the contributions of African-Americans to these United States, carefully designed with the non-black person in mind. At the end of the list, I provide a tool for you to assess your celebratory skills, so pay close attention.

1. Change the Wallpaper on Your Computer or Mobile Phone to an Image of a Slave Plantation

Well start with something simple. When your friends or coworkers ask you why you have a picture on your screen of slaves working the fields, you should smugly reply, I believe in honoring the people who made America possible, dont you? Then gently touch your screen in a longing fashion and shake your head slowly. Just be sure to avoid saying anything like, I know slavery was a horrible institution, but This sentence is impossible to complete in any reasonable way regardless of whether or not it is Black History Month and is especially troublesome on the presidential campaign trail. (Im looking at you, Michele Bachmann.)

2. Watch BET

Never mind that its not owned by a black person anymore. You can still learn a lot from BET. Primarily, you will learn that black people love reruns, and if youre lucky, youll catch the Tyler Perry movie! I know the Internet Movie Database says Perry has written over ten films, and there may be several titles and even different casts, but if youve seen one Tyler Perry movie, youve experienced the entire canon. The man has only made one film, and you can catch it on BET, repeatedly.

3. Avoid Being Explicitly Racist

This one can be a struggle for many. Racism is everywhere, and it comes naturally. But its considered to be extra offensive if you are explicitly racist toward black people during Black History Month. If nothing else, it shows a lack of discipline. If youre serious about hating black people, prove it by delaying that hate for a few weeks. Racism is exhausting, and you could use a break. Take one! On March 1, youll return to peak form, fired up and ready to marginalize.

4. Know the Key People

There have been lots of unsung heroes in the history of Africans in America, but theyre unsung for a reason. To appear knowledgeable, you need to know only a few: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, W. E. B. Du Bois, Booker T. Washington, J.J. from Good Times , Frederick Douglass, Langston Hughes, Thurgood Marshall, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and Barack Obama. When in doubt, see if theres ever been a feature-length film about the person or a T-shirt sold using his or her image. If the answer to both of these questions is no, move on.

5. Observe Anything and Everything that President Obama Does

Every single thing Barack Obama does is historic. If he clogs the toilet in the White House bathroom, hes the first black president to damage White House plumbing. If he forgets the words to the Star-Spangled Banner, hes the first black president to do so. If he continues to wage a war in Afghanistan, bails out Wall Street to avert financial disaster, and continues several of his predecessors anticivil liberties practices, hes the first black president to let down his progressive base. Regardless, its all wonderfully historic and beautifully black. By observing the nations first black president, you are indeed, directly and quite literally, observing black history! If someone asks how youre celebrating Black History Month, it is perfectly acceptable to say, Oh, Im following President Obama on Twitter. I like my black history in 140 characters or less.