Chris Kattan - Baby, Don’t Hurt Me: Stories and Scars from Saturday Night Live

Table of Contents

Thank you:

To my dad, Kip (Rest in Power, Pop), for sharing his love for comedy, being my best friend, and allowing me to be the parent. To my mom, Hajni, for always being there for me, for giving me those beautiful albeit short genes, and for letting Kip think he was the funnier parent even though its always been you. To my other dad, Marc, for always being the sturdy, dependable rock of the family, and showing me real dedication through Buddhism even when I get antsy while meditating.

To my brother, Andrew, for showing me what it is to be a truly good person, and for putting up with being Mangos brother in high school (Im sorry, forever!) and to Bruce.

To my best friend, my teacher, and the only person who gets to yell at me. This book wouldnt exist without you. You kept me on point and revived the project after I let grief take over. You inspire me Billy Bill, Jennifer Schultz.

To everyone else in my family: my dads side, my moms side, and the Joslyns. Thank you for always letting me be who I am.

To Will for being the beginning of everything. There are no words. I just love you. I wouldnt drop trou with anyone but you!

Jimmy! Youre the light of all those NYC nights, the karaoke master, and my savior through dark times. Your friendship has meant more to me than Ive ever been able to express.

To Seth, Ariel, Alexi. Youre like family.

Carmen, John, Zooey, Michelle, Sunshine, China, Drew, Amy, Jennifer, and Elisa. Also to Jane for three of the best years while in New York and Italy.

To my babysitters, Lisa and Melanie. And my grade school teachers at Mt. Baldy: Ellen, Janice, and others. I know I was a handful, but you made it fun. My Bainbridge High School drama teacher, Mr. McAllister, for casting me in serious plays like The Crucible.

Harper Simon, Marci Klein, Mike Shoemaker, Fred Armisen, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Janeane Garofalo, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Darrell Hammond, Jeff Richards, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, David Spade, Tim Meadows. Eva Mendez, Gary Shandling, Ted Demme, Amanda Demme.

Stacey Shear, Kari. Richard LaGravenese. Danny DeVito. Paul Thomas Anderson. Shauna Robertson for some of the happiest times. Maya, Parker, and Gracie.

Cameron for making me cooler than I was by being my friend, and also for teaching me how to handle fame.

Parker, the only woman who could be my man of honorI love you more than words. Youre both the good and the bad whisper in my ear...

To my friends, who appear then disappear, but remain unconditional and allow me to come and go in their lives without guilt. I adore you all. Call me!

To Mary Ellen Matthews for her brilliant photos.

To the Monday night guys.

To Paul Dinello and Amy Sedaris for jumpstarting my creativity.

To Travis Thrasher for organizing and polishing me up to sound like a real writer. Can I still call you and share stories?

To Alexa Stevenson for your brilliant editing, and everyone at BenBella for being patient and believing in me and this project.

To Steve Ross for guiding and pushing this project forward.

To Win Butler and the rest of Arcade Fire for personally allowing me to use a brilliant lyric and the most appropriate quote I could find for this book.

Adam Ginivisian

Adam McKay

Adam Sandler

Alan Covert

Amy Heckerling

Andrew Steele

Andy Samberg

Anita Patrickson

Anthony Kiedis

Ben Stiller

Beyonc

Bono

Brooke Shields

Charlize Theron

Cheri Oteri

Chris Henchy

Chris Redd

Christie Will

Colin Quinn

Conan OBrien

Coolidge

Dana Carvey

Daryl Hannah

Dave Becky

Dave Chapelle

David Letterman

Denise Richards

Dianna Oliver

Ed Norton

Eddie Griffin

Ellen DeGeneres

Fax Bahr

Fiona Apple

Flea

Geoffrey Rush

Guy Oseary

Harrison Ford

Heath Ledger

Hugh Fink

Jake Gyllenhaal

James Brown, for teaching me to spin

James Franco

Jason Bateman

Jay Leno

Jennifer Allen

Jill Fritzo

Jim Wise

Joie Rice

Jon Hamm

Jon Lovitz

Josh Deu

Karen Maruyama

Kathy Griffin

Katie Feldman

Keanu Reeves

Kristen Bell

Kristen Purdy

Larry Mullen Jr.

Lisa Kudrow

Lyle Jackson

Madonna

Martin Short

Matt Piedmont

Melanie Graham

Michael Stipe

Mike Myers

Natasha Lyonne

Neal Brennan

Patricia Arquette

Patricia Heaton

Patty Stafford

Paul Reubens

Paula Pell

Phil Hartman

Renee Zellweger

Ron Burkle

Roy Jenkins

Scott Wainio

Steve Higgins

Steve Koren

Steven Soderbergh

Thomas Jane

Tom Cruise

Tom Hanks

Vince Vaughn

To Chaplin for The Rink and Modern Times

Buster Keaton for One Week and The General

W.C. Fields for Its a Gift and The Bank Dick

The Marx Bros. for Duck Soup and A Night at the Opera

Jack Benny

Bob Hope

Pinocchio

To anyone I may have forgotten, please forgive me.

CHRIS KATTAN began his comedic career as a member of Los Angeles comedy troupe The Groundlings, of which his father was an original member. He joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1996, and over the next seven seasons, his recurring characters included Mr. Peepers, Mango, Azrael Abyss, Gay Hitler, Suel Forrester, and, most notably, one half of the head-bopping Butabi Brothers with fellow SNL (and Groundlings) cast member Will Ferrell. Kattan has appeared in numerous film and television roles. His credits include A Night at the Roxbury, Undercover Brother, the IFC series Bollywood Hero, The Middle, How I Met Your Mother, The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, and Late Night with Seth Meyers. Kattan now travels the world doing stand-up, lives in Los Angeles, and enjoys making toast for house guests.

Bestselling author TRAVIS THRASHER has written more than 50 books and worked in the publishing industry for more than 20 years. He has penned fiction in a variety of genres, and his inspirational stories include collaborations with filmmakers, musicians, and athletes. Thrasher lives with his wife and three daughters in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

S o there I was, hanging upside down by my bare feet, which were wrapped around the neck of a seven-foot-tall gentleman by the name of Roy Jenkins.

Holy shit, I thought to myself, Im hanging upside down with my feet around someones neck. When did I learn to do this?

It was a Monday night in 1993. Monday nights class was the one you never wanted to miss because not only was it the one time you got to do improv exercises, it was the only night to pitch sketches that might get you in the lineup for the upcoming Groundlings Sunday show.

The Sunday show director was Melanie Graham, whod started as a member of the Groundlings main company and would years later become a writer for SNL for a few seasons while I was on the show. Melanie bore a strong resemblance to Edna Mode from Disneys The Incredibles (as well as to legendary Hollywood costume designer Edith Head, who I believe the Incredibles character was based on). Melanie was intimidatingly smart, but encouragement was not her forte. She was critical, with high expectations, and it was easy to feel like she was being too hard on you. But ultimately, Melanies expectations made us all better performers and better writers. At the time, I didnt realize that writing was such an important backbone of comedy. Looking back now, I can honestly say Melanie was one of the greatest teachers Ive ever had.