Aboulela Leila - Dont Panic, Im Islamic: Words and Pictures on How to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Alien Next Door

Shadi Alzaqzouq: MUSLIM PANIK PERFORMANCE

Stylist: Hlne Roy

Arwa Mahdawi

Chant Avedissian

Karl Sharro

James Nunn

Negin Farsad

Bidisha

Chris Riddell

Hazem Saghieh

Molly Crabapple

Omar Hamdi

Esther Manito

Hassan Hajjaj

Saleem Haddad

Rana Salam

Amrou Al-Kadhi

Chaza Charafeddine

Leila Aboulela

Jennifer Jajeh

Hassan Abdulrazzak

Eli Valley

Moris Farhi

Tammam Azzam

Alex Wheatle

Carol Ann Duffy

Aisha Mirza

Laila Shawa

Joumana Haddad

Mazen Kerbaj

Sabrina Mahfouz

Sayed Kashua

Alberto Manguel

Bahia Shehab

Sjn

Say what you like about Donald Trump, youve got to admit that he tells it like it is. His directness of expression is unpresidented in the White House. Hes a real American and he talks real American.

Which is why Trumps obsession with extreme vetting is troubling. Not only is extreme vetting a multi-syllabic phrase, it lacks the compelling comprehensibility that characterises Trumps other policies, like build a wall or lock her up. Im afraid to say that it smacks of politicking. After all, what does extreme vetting actually mean? Judging by the amount of debate the term has provoked, nobody is entirely sure.

The ambiguity of extreme vetting has been cause for consternation in some quarters. Progressives, in particular, have done much fretting about extreme vetting. Many have argued that it is nothing more than thinly-veiled Islamophobia; that Trump is trying to impose a blanket ban on Muslims entering America. I would be wary of this analysis. If anything is clear, its that extreme vetting is designed with animals in mind. Its supposed to protect America from rabid jihadists and, really, isnt that something we all want? Liberals may enjoy trotting out smartass facts like lawnmowers kill more Americans than Islamic jihadist immigrants each year, but you cant deny that Islam and Islamic terrorism are strongly linked.

Let us imagine for a moment a future for American kids without the threat of radical Islamic terror. Shouldnt these kids be able to go to school secure in the knowledge that all they have in the world to worry about is being caught in the path of a rogue lawnmower? Or becoming a victim of police brutality? Or perhaps being mown down in a mass shooting perpetuated by a classmate? The less gory options are no less frightening for their innocent minds. What about succumbing to a nationwide opioid crisis? Dying an avoidable death due to a lack of affordable healthcare? And even if they escape these horrors, theres always the very real possibility of getting grabbed by the pussy by an aspirational president.

I digress. Whatever your politics, we ought to remember that now is the time for national unity. Dont we all want to make America safe again? I have a modest proposal. (Hear me out, Im being practical here. Im not going to suggest that Muslims eat their own children in order to pre-emptively stop terrorism. That would be too time consuming). Quite simply: I think that we should embrace extreme vetting all the time. We shouldnt just be vetting people at the borders; we should be vetting everyone we meet. We shouldnt just be banning suspicious people from coming in; we should be kicking suspicious people out. Ive been proactive and have put together a few pointers that make extreme vetting extremely easy and incredibly equitable. Commit these guidelines to memory and youll be able to distinguish an acceptable Arab from a potential terrorist in no time. Youll be part of making America safe again.

Do they have an iPhone or an isisPhone? Thanks to the FBIs much-publicised attempts to hack their way into the San Bernadino shooters phones, its common knowledge that the shooters had iPhones. It might be tempting to thus surmise that everyone with an iPhone is a potential terrorist. However common sense suggests that this is too narrow: iPhone screens, as I know from my own tragic experience, crack easily making them less than ideal for vigorous terrorist activity. The San Bernadino shooters were outliers and should not be considered representative of terrorists as a whole. Particularly as there is clear data that shows that the Nokia 105 is the preferred phone brand of ISIS fighters. So to be on the safe side, if you spot someone with an iPhone or a Nokia, regard them with immediate suspicion as theyre probably a terrorist. Either that or they think its the 1990s.

Is that body odour or eau de cologne? Research shows that you can quite literally sniff out a terrorist. According to a terrorist behaviour checklist used by Americas Transportation Security Administration for airport screening, strong body odour can be a sign that someone has evil intentions. Other dead giveaways include exaggerated yawning, whistling, verbally expressing contempt for the screening process, and a cold penetrating stare. This checklist, by the way has nothing to do with Trump; it was part of a program (costing almost $1billion) called the Screening of Passengers by Observation Techniques initiated under President Obama. Ah, remember the Obama years? Islamophobia was nonexistent, vetting was extremely benevolent and America welcomed immigrants with open arms, giant hugs and expensive observation techniques. But enough nostalgia already. While a pungent aroma may signal that theres something a little fishy about someone, dont forget that Middle Eastern men wear a lot of perfume. Even little baby Jesus got a bottle of Frankincense as soon as he was born. So both those guilty of unmasked body odour and overmasked body odour are potential terrorist suspects. Even if they are in fact innocent, its sensible to keep your distance from these groups of people for your own good.