PRAISE FOR THE OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE:
This is a compelling and moving personal account of the reality of depression, but it is much more. Dr Gask weaves her personal and professional knowledge into a narrative, reflection, handbook and guide.
Professor Sir Simon Wessely, President, Royal College of Psychiatrists
Brave, bold and poignant but above all a first in bringing together the intricate web and weave of being simultaneously a doctor, a patient and an academic.
Professor Dame Susan Bailey, Royal College of Psychiatrists
Honest, vivid, powerful anyone who has struggled with what are called 'common mental health problems' will identify with this book.
Carolyn Chew-Graham, GP and Professor of General Practice Research, University of Keele
People who have been depressed, or lived with depression in the family, will recognise the self-doubt, the gnawing anxiety and the brave public face, though not all reach the self-acceptance that she finally manages. Linda Gask has achieved something unusual: a book about depression that is both personal and scientifically sound.
Louis Appleby, former National Director for Mental Health in England
Linda Gask's honest and impressive book examines her repeated bouts of depression, including the whole spectrum of treatments she received. What makes this book stand out from other such memoirs is that throughout her battle with depression she was a practising psychiatrist. Her understanding is extended and enriched by the patients she has treated, described here in vivid prose that brings them to life as real people, not dry clinical examples. What binds the book together is her unflinching description of how her life unfolded from the harrowing descriptions of the serious mental health problems that afflicted her family to the struggle to be herself in a competitive and surprisingly unforgiving profession. Despite its subject this is not a depressing book. It is a rich, human story and it is mercifully devoid of the clichd oversimplifications that crowd this area. Dr Gask knows an awful lot about depression and, most importantly, she knows what we don't know.
Tom Burns, Emeritus Professor of Social Psychiatry, University of Oxford
THE OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE
Copyright Linda Gask, 2015
All rights reserved.
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Linda Gask has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
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For John
Acknowledgements
Thanks are due to everyone who has taken care of me over the last four decades through some difficult times. I've not used real names in this book, but would like to say a particular 'thank you' to Sarah Davenport. For help with writing, many thanks are due to Judith Barrington, and her legendary memoir-writing workshops at the Almserra Vella, and to Ben Evans from Cornerstones, who critically read and commented on two earlier drafts. An earlier version of the chapter 'Taking the Tablets' was originally published in Open Mind. Jane Graham Maw at Graham Maw Christie believed there was something here worth saying; Claire Plimmer and Madeleine Stevens at Summersdale brought it to fruition, and John Manton has kept me going the most difficult task of all.
Disclaimer:This book is a work of non-fiction based on the experiences and recollections of the author. The names of people and places, and identifying features or details of events, may have been changed to protect the privacy of others.
Contents
'If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence.'
George Eliot, Middlemarch
Introduction
This is a story about overcoming depression and also about coming to terms with loss. The two are closely related to each other. I know about this not just from my personal experience, but because I am a psychiatrist. I have specialised in treating those who suffer from the same problems which have afflicted me throughout my adult life. I've survived and come through it, and I know others can too.
There are moments of sadness and even of frank despair described here, but this is not intended to be a depressing tale. My aim is to provide hope to other people who have lived as I have lived. I want them to know that it is always possible to feel better: about yourself, your life and the future. The problem is that when you are caught deep in the jaws of depression, recapturing a sense of hope seems almost unimaginable. Low mood colours the way we see our lives and clouds our judgement, not only about others but most particularly about ourselves. It is hard to think positively, as others often insist, when you consider yourself to be completely worthless. What I want to show in this book is that, whether you feel like this or are the one caring for someone who is depressed, there is always a way forwards.
Depression is often triggered by loss, not only of relationships but also of other things which are important to us our role in life, our health or our self-esteem and the fact of being depressed can then result in further losses, because we become difficult to live with and unable to play our part in life. Human beings grieve when they experience a loss of something or someone special to them. Grief is normal, and usually resolves over time, but if it doesn't then it can become indistinguishable from depression. Both leave us vulnerable to the impact of further losses.
Very few people know my entire story but my current doctor is familiar with most of it. She is the custodian, at least for the time being. The first time I saw her, about seven years ago, seems as good a place to start this tale as any.
I was in a bleak new consulting room at Wythenshawe Hospital in South Manchester, in the Laureate unit, a modern building where every ward is incongruously named after a writer or poet. Outpatient clinics take place in bare, impersonal offices where doctors camp for one or two 'sessions' every week. There wasn't even a filing cabinet in the room, which I could illicitly try to open and explore. Although it wasn't quite new enough then that I started to get high from inhaling the solvent in the carpet adhesive, I could still detect a faint whiff of Evo-Stik in the air. The only distraction was the previous month's dog-eared hospital newsletter on the corner of the desk. I read about fun runs for breast cancer to distract myself while I waited for my new doctor, who had rushed back to reception to collect my notes from the desk. I felt alone once more and more than a little afraid.
