Munday - Day nine: a postpartum depression memoir

Copyright Amanda Munday, 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise (except for brief passages for purpose of review) without the prior permission of Dundurn Press. Permission to photocopy should be requested from Access Copyright.

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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: Day nine : a postpartum depression memoir / Amanda Munday.
Names: Munday, Amanda, author.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20189068663 | Canadiana (ebook) 20189068671 | ISBN 9781459744455 (softcover) | ISBN 9781459744462 (PDF) | ISBN 9781459744479 (EPUB)

Subjects: LCSH: Munday, Amanda. | LCSH: Postpartum depressionPatientsBiography. | LCGFT: Autobiographies.
Classification: LCC RG852 .M86 2019 | DDC 362.1987/60092dc23

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We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, which last year invested $153 million to bring the arts to Canadians throughout the country, and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program. We also acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Ontario, through the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit and Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada.

Nous remercions le Conseil des arts du Canada de son soutien. Lan dernier, le Conseil a investi 153 millions de dollars pour mettre de lart dans la vie des Canadiennes et des Canadiens de tout le pays.

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To Fiona: I am strong because of you.

THIS BOOK IS TRIGGERING. Im of two minds as I describe the book to you: one wants to push forward and the other wants to protect. On pushing forward, if we dont start an open conversation about mental health, those who are sick will continue to ache in the dark, unable to communicate their symptoms for fear of judgment at best, and loss of personal freedom, or death, at worst. Studies have shown that talking about suicide does not cause those who are depressed to consider ending their own lives. Rather, it can help to normalize their feelings and save their lives. Its only through an honest conversation about mental health that we can identify which thoughts are fleeting, and which ones could be a signal that illness is looming.

For that reason, I also want to offer some advance protection. I hope that you will take care as you progress through my story. It includes vivid descriptions of mental illness and of suicidal ideation. This account also includes details of self-inflicted death. Transparency is important, and so is safety and wellness. There is one spoiler thats worth handing over now: the one about my recovery. I didnt know exactly what was wrong, how it began, when it would end, or whether it would return, but I did feel better when I was able to say out loud what was rumbling through my mind. When I could identify that Id changed from regular me to not quite well me, and ask others to carry me from that point on.

With that in mind, if youre struggling, I hope youll find the words to identify when youre not quite well, and trust that if you reach out, others will carry you through. Dont stop if the first person you share your thoughts with downplays what youre saying. Keep saying it out loud. Its not on you to fix your illness alone. We wouldnt demand an unskilled self-treatment for any other type of illness. If this book triggers you, or if you feel unwell before you begin, give yourself permission to place those thoughts in someone elses hands. Your thoughts do not define you. It will not be this way forever.

Be well,

Amanda

FOR AS LONG AS I can remember, I always imagined that Id be a good mother. I would picture myself in a rocking chair, swaying slowly while I hummed a tune over my babys forehead. The breeze from the summer air would be soft. My sense of purpose alive and well defined. As a mother I knew Id feel at peace, because motherhood is something I was destined to embody. And to thrive in.

Today Im nine months pregnant with my first child and I do not feel the euphoria I deliberately anticipated. I toss and turn throughout the night, cramming a stiff body pillow between my legs and under my huge belly, seeking any position that might give me enough relief to sleep for a couple of hours. I ignore the bladder pangs because when I get up to waddle to the bathroom, no more than a piddle trickles out, which is fairly anti-climactic after rushing out of bed afraid that Im about to pee my pants. This morning started earlier than ever. Ive been half-awake for the last two hours, before the sun even, not wanting to sit all the way up and kick-start the familiar heartburn-meets-nausea feeling that greets my morning routine. Gordon and I are still in bed when my cellphone rings, startling me wide awake.

It is 8:00 a.m. on a light and bright June day. My hopeful almost-summer feeling is dashed away when I realize the person on the other end of this call is my midwife calling in a panic.

Can you get down here to the hospital, in the next hour? Dr. Skylar is here and she can try to see if we can get baby moving. This is your opportunity to try a vaginal delivery. Hurry up. Im on the fifteenth floor. Meet me in triage.

The first decision I made when I was pregnant was to put my tiny fleck of a fetus on a daycare list, because I had been warned that in Toronto the wait would be years long, and I was keen to return to work as soon as possible after giving birth. The second choice I made, with my husband, Gordon, was to have a midwife as our primary health care provider, instead of an obstetrician at a hospital. It wasnt difficult to decide to use a midwife it fits well within our liberal-leaning, sometimes snobby, organic-values-driven lifestyle. As a couple Gordon and I share a passion for urban gardening, we seek out local food and suppliers, we shop with small businesses rather than big corporations, and we opt for vacations in wine country at the nearby Niagara-on-the-Lake over all-inclusive beach resorts. The idea of deeply personalized care, with as little institutional medical intervention as possible in our childbirth plan, aligned well with our core values as a couple. I also loved the idea of a medical professional coming into our home right after I gave birth, and in the two weeks afterward, versus having to pack up and go to a hospital with a newborn. I have many ideas for how this baby will be raised. When debating whether this was the right decision, Id think,