Coppock - The new rules for blondes: highlights from a fair-haired life

For my parents: Susan and Mike.
Your combined DNA gave me a phenomenal head of hair and your strong values, unconditional love, and unending support gave me a great head on my shoulders. Thank you and I love you, Mud and Pud.

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H ow old were you when your heard your first blonde joke? Usually indoctrination happens in childhood, when towheaded tykes are taught that their hair color makes them stupid and hundreds of jokes exist to support that premise. How do you know that a blonde was just using the computer? Because the screen is covered in whiteout. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills. Why did the blonde return the scarf? She said it was too tight. How many of these classic blonde jokes have you heard before? How many other blonde jokes?

Light-haired ladies have faced patronizing prejudgment since time immemorial. Historically, society has embraced old rules of blondeness that characterize all blonde-haired ladies as either clueless, nave simpletons or gold-digging, unrepentant sexpots. If youre a blonde, you must be one or the other. Either youre Sandra Dee or youre Marilyn Monroe. The old rules of blondeness reinforced this limiting, narrow dichotomy of the Madonna/whore identity, and for that reason, the old rules are obsolete. We are living in an age of intelligent, self-sufficient, gutsy blondes such as Hillary Clinton and Lady Gaga, and the blondes of today need not be defined and inhibited by the tired blonde stereotypes of yesteryear.

To my fellow blondes, I decree that its time for new rules. Its time to laugh in the face of those retrograde, inaccurate stereotypes (or at least giggle while we toss our amazing hair). If theres one thing that blondes are not, its shrinking violets (though we often use violet shampoo). Leave that act to other hair colorsblondes wont do it. Just as fresh highlights mix both whitish and yellowish tones, every blonde possesses a fascinating mix of experiences, personality traits, and opinions. Shes not just an ignorant prude or a hypersexual knockout. She cant be reduced to a black-and-white stereotype of a Sandra Dee or a Marilyn Monroe. Shes multifaceted, unpredictable, and wholly unique.

As a natural-born blonde who now has to see a colorist to maintain that hue, Ill admit my blonde color is a bit of an obsession. At the end of high school when I was given the senior superlative of Best Hair in my graduating class, I knew that the hair on my head was something special. In the years since then, I have been stopped on the street and asked about my voluminous locks by complete strangers. I have listened to pals stories of follicle frustration and guided those friends to the land of deep conditioning and root boost spray. I have crusaded for healthy golden tresses and given my colorist many referrals. In short, hair is of utmost importance in my life, and good hair is an integral part of my identity.

Are you in the same boat? Are you unable to watch the groundbreaking miniseries Roots without thinking about the last time that you saw your colorist? Are you unsure of how to answer that ultrainvasive question Do you dye your hair? When blonde celebrities dye their hair red or brown, do you take it as a personal affront? Are you tired of people assuming that you cant read a map because your hair is platinum and fantastic? Then you need The New Rules for Blondes .

Lets explore all facets of blondeness: the history, evolution, stereotypes, references in popular culture, and more. In this journey of self-discovery and blondeness, well explore the ups (the staying power of iconic blondes, blonde anthems, platinum friendship, catching eyes wherever you go) and the downs (botched color, tears, catching eyes wherever you go) and establish new rules for the twenty-first century. I will address those tired stereotypes head-on, impart crucial hair care and hair color tips, explore representations of blondeness in popular culture, and share my personal triumphs and trials from blonde life. In this knstlerroman of the blonde artist, I will even encourage you to experience life as a nonblonde (hear me out!) as a blonde rumspringa of sorts. See what its like out there in the dark-haired world, and youll come back to the community with a renewed appreciation for blondeness. With all of that, you, dear reader, are embarking on a crash course for the modern blonde. Lets be bold blondes! This will be a journey to your roots (be they brown, black, blonde, or nonexistent) and back again, but I promise that all of it will be fun. After all, thats what blondes have more of.

A n old friend once told me, There are two types of people in this world: people who get the joke and people who dont get the joke. Once I stopped laughing at his comment (to thwart any doubt as to whether Im part of the elite team who gets the jokeoh, I get the joke, I sure as hell get the joke), I thought about his odd way of dividing all people into two neat categories. I must admit, though, that I see the blonde world in a similarly dichotomous fashion. There are two types of blondes in this world: Ashy Blondes and Brassy Blondes. I didnt make up these categories, eithertheres science behind this. Two types of pigment give hair its color: pheomelanin (which colors the hair orange and yellow) and eumelanin (which determines the darkness of hair color). Blonde hair can have almost any proportion of pheomelanin and eumelanin, but in small quantities. More pheomelanin creates a more golden, brassy blonde color, and more eumelanin creates an ashier blonde. Its the split of the century: ashy or brassy.

To the uninitiated, these categories might sound confusing and nebulous, so let me break it down for you. Contrary to what you might be thinking, ashy blondes arent ashy in that they need to apply lotion (the more common use of ashy as a descriptor). This category has nothing to do with Howard Sterns sidekick Ashy Larry (now that guy should get some lotion). Ashy blondes are sometimes known as Hitchcock blondes after the gorgeous Grace Kelly, who was seen in several of Alfred Hitchcocks films ( Dial M for Murder , Rear Window , and To Catch a Thief ). They have platinum, almost grayish-blonde hair. Their hair hue isnt yellowish at allits closer to platinumand ashy blondes must use a lot of purple shampoo to keep the color from getting brassy. (More on brassy later.) This shade is favored in salons on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and with the older blonde set. Its not a bold, bright blonderather, its an understated, regal, country club blonde. Its popular among WASPs (not the insect). Ashy blondes are often seen wearing preppy clothing or pashmina shawls with pearls. This shade is often paired with a bit of an attitude, or at least a wicked poker face. Think Tinsley Mortimer, Princess Diana, Paris Hilton, LeAnn Rimes, Reese Witherspoon, Dakota Fanning, Gwyneth Paltrow.

On the other extreme of the blonde continuum is the brassy blonde. This is the more stereotypically blonde blonde. Her hair is bright, bold, and almost yellowish. The wearer of brassy blonde might wear it with pride, or might be the unfortunate victim of a bad colorist who was shooting for ashy but ended up at brassy because her original hair color featured red or brown undertones (more on that in Chapter 7). Hair coloring is an intricate dance, and you cant always get there from here . The brassy blonde who treads into that realm deliberately is usually outspoken, fun, and opinionated. Shes not as preppy as the ashy blondethe brassy blonde is more funky, spunky, and playful. Think Pamela Anderson, Kelly Ripa, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Chelsea Handler.

Lets break it down, Jeff Foxworthy style: