Table of Contents
A PLUME BOOK
WHY WE SUCK
DENIS LEARY loves coffee-flavored coffee, baseball books, dogs of any ilk, his two children, Jack and Dev, and his lovely wife, Annnot in that particular order. He also loves his mom. And his truck. And horses. And ice hockey. As well as chocolate. He has written more than fifteen books, including Why God Gave Us Donuts, George Bush Jr. Can Kiss My Irish Ass, and Lederhosen: The Best Sock Ever. Due to a vast right-wing conspiracy, none of them were ever published.
Just remember, kidits all bullshit.
ROBERT MITCHUM, WHISPERING INTO NICK NOLTES
EAR AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS
DOCTORS NOTE
Id like to point out that all of the facts and allegations and medical science spoken about in this book have all been thoroughly researched. By me and my staff. Which meansjust me. I didnt make footnotes and Im not listing any evidence. That shit just takes way too long. You wanna find out if what I say is true IS actually true? Google it. Thats what I did. The things I didnt bother to Google? They happened to me firsthand. Good luck and good reading.
Dr. Leary
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Id like to thank everyone who ever told me to go fuck myself. Its why I fell in love with my wife, who bears more than a fleeting resemblance to meexcept shes far prettier. And is a girl, obviously. And shes funnier than I am. And smarter. And somehow fell in love with me when I was broke and barely owned the sneakers on my working-class Irish feet. I owe everything in my life to Ann and my two terrific childrenDevin and Jack. Lets face itthe only reason I wrote this book is because both of them wanna go to college. So thanks for helping to further their education by purchasing this fine piece of literature. Wow. I wrote a whole book. Well, its SHAPED like a book. Anywaysenjoy.
SECRET HIDDEN MESSAGE PAGE
I have never been fat. But I have beenand oftentimes continue to beloud, lazy and stupid. So put down the Pop-Tarts and listen up a little. Im trying to help us here.
A SECOND NOTE FROM THE DOCTOR
Just in case you still do not understand (and given the condition of this country and the people we place into elected office, I think there are whole cities full of morons who couldnt beat a bag of hammers in a game of Scrabble out there) let me make it simple for you:
This is a comedy book.
Which means its meant to be funny.
So when I say something in here I am offering up my opinion, my slightly exaggerated take on people, places and things and very often a twisted take on reality.
In other words: it is parody, satire and poking fun.
If you are mentioned within these pages and your first reaction is to call a lawyer?
Good night and good luck.
Because there are endless things you can buy in Americabut a sense of humor isnt one of them.
We got pills and potions for your head, face, fears, tits, ass, anxieties, colon, kidneys, alcohol addiction, drug jones, heart, lungs, lips and attitudebut we dont have anything that can make you laugh at yourself.
Otherwisebefore you read this book?
Id prescribe a fist full of it.
Once again,
Dr. Denis
SPECIAL THANKS
Id like to thank Lydia Wills for her support and finely tuned interest. Id like to thank Godif only because I am so sick of hearing rappers with criminal records longer than their extended-length Hummer limousines do it at the Grammys. But Id also like to thank Satanwho never gets enough credit for his wonderfully inspirational work with everyone from Judas Priest to The Rolling Stones and seemingly every other talk-radio honcho and Bush administration member. I think I speak for all comedians out there when I say without Satan and his many evil minions, we wouldnt have such a wealth of great targets to aim at. I also must thank Patrick Campbell for his fabulous artwork that will make you laugh out loud later on. But I cant thank Patrick without mentioning his wife Kerry and their son Wyatt, who stopped by the apartment and my office many times when Patrick and I were working. I must also thank Wyatt for puking on the kitchen floor instead of the living room rug. And last but not least Id like to thank my editor Josh Kendall for his bright advice and deft suggestions and all the lively and lovely girls from Penguin who first came into the offices at Apostlemy production companyand said you gotta write a book. They sparked my interest. I have to thank two key people at Apostle as wellBartow Church and my assistant Anna Urban, both of whom I drove nuts with requests for celebrity post-autopsy toxicology results and lists of political trivia etcetera etcetera. And I must thank the one man in particular who made this whole thing happen: my production partner Jim Serpico. After the Penguin girls had pitched their idea and left, Jim said if youre ever gonna write a book, this is the time and these are the people. Then he kept kicking my ass to make my deadlines and reading drafts and telling me what made him laugh and what didnt and telling me time and time again that I only had such and such a number of months left and why dont you push that subject a little further and when are you gonna have that chapter done and you only have eight weeks you only have three weeks you only have four more days and I think this cover is the best cover and Ill tell you why. Hes the hardest-working guy I have ever met and hes funny and hes sharp and hes really really really smart and hes made every project weve ever worked on better simply by being involved and God how I hate him. Thanks, Jimmy. You slave-driving sunuvabitch. Id also like to thank my recently departed Irish Wolfhound Clancythe biggest dog in the history of the world. Lets put it this waywhen I had a cup of coffee in the morning, so did he. THATS how big he was. And I gotta give kudos to my new dog Lulushe picked up right where Clancy left off. Only she doesnt drink coffee. But she did sit at my feet under the desk each day and look up at me yearningly with her big brown eyes, as if to saywhen the fuck is this book gonna be done, asshole?
Its done, Lu. Lets go get us some squirrels.
PROLOGUE
Put this book down.
Right now.
Do not buy it.
Stop reading.
Now.
Why are you still reading this?
Okay.
I warned you.
Now I will beg you, beseech youin short, do everything possible in the limited format of this medium to get you to buy any other book within reach right now (if this book was a gift and you are at home or on a plane or sitting in a hotel room somewhere I would suggest grabbing a newspaper or a magazine or even your laptop) because this book is going to piss you off.
If you are a woman, you will soon be livid.
If you are a man, you are going to be filled with a burning rage.
If you are a kidmeaning anyone under the age of eighteenyou will soon be filled with shock and awe.
Scratch that.
If you are under the age of twenty-five you will soon be filled with shock and awe.
If you are a fan of Oprahgood luck.
