Leary - Why we dont suck: and how all of us need to stop being such partisan little bitches

ALSO BY DENIS LEARY

WHY WE SUCK: A FEEL GOOD GUIDE TO STAYING FAT, LOUD, LAZY AND STUPID

SUCK ON THIS YEAR: LYFAO @ 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS

Copyright 2017 by Killarney Ink, LLC

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

crownpublishing.com

Crown Archetype and colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN9781524762735

Ebook ISBN9781524762759

Maps beginning on Dr. Jack Grieve

Cover design by Rachel Willey

Cover photograph by Jill Greenberg

v4.1_r1

a

Theres no room for demons when youre self-possessed.

CARRIE FISHER

WARNING

T hey have something called Sensitive Readers now. Publishers hire them to comb through each page of a new manuscript looking for words, phrases, and ideas that are currently deemed politically incorrect and therefore capable of upsetting their delicate lives.

Two of them were placed under medical care while trying to finish this book.

AUTHORS NOTE

E very fact in this book was Googled and double-Googled. Then Googled again. Except for the facts that came from my voluminous but sometimes cloudy collection of memories. If you dont believe they happened, you can kiss my Irish ass. This is how I remember them happening. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Although I dont know why. Because in the endjust like methey are all guilty.

I should also remind you that Im a doctor. A real doctor. Of arts and letters. I have the official diploma that says so hanging in my office. Theres a photo of it in my first book.

How did I become a doctor?

I got famous.

So my alma mater, Emerson College, from which I actually graduated in 1979, gave me an honorary doctorate many years later when I became a movie star. I made a very funny and extremely short speech, which the kids loved because they were graduating and wanted to go party their asses off.

Emerson saved my life. First by giving me a scholarship, which was the only way I could ever afford to attend college. And then by virtue of its teachers, who created an atmosphere that allowed creative students in the arts to thrive.

I also met my wife, Ann, there.

And we are living happily ever after.

Anyway, the point is: Im a doctor. So I obviously know what the hell Im talking about. And if I make fun of you in this book, its for good reason. I also make fun of myself in here. A lot. Like, a fuck of a lot.

So look at the bright side: we both deserve it.

Plus, if you sue me, itll just sell more copies of the book and even MORE people will end up reading whatever it is thats got you in a snit. My prescription? Lighten up and laugh a little. And if you cant manage that? This is REALLY gonna suck for you.

Dedicated to my wife, Annwho is everything.

CONTENTS

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Im gonna throw these fuckin eggs.

DENIS LEARY, 1971

SHORTEST OPENING CHAPTER EVER

I was sitting in the Miss Worcester Diner with my dad one day in 1965 when the guy behind the counter delivered my cheeseburger and said to him, John, is there anything you cant do? Some guys who come in here say youre the best mechanic they ever worked with, other guys say as a carpenter and electrician you could pretty much build your own house. On top of which you play a great accordion, and I hear you were a pretty goddamned fast man on the Gaelic football field both over in Ireland and right around the corner here in Crompton Park. But if someone asked you to pick one thing and say thats what you are, how would you answer?

My dad looked up from his coffee and said, An American.

OH SAY CAN YOU SCREAM

D ear Hillary supporters: What happened? Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania is what happened. Plus, a server wiped so clean it might as well have been a free ad for BleachBit. How much do bridal party yoga pants cost? Three fucking states.

But look at the bright side: It wasnt the end of the world.

Trump was victorious. And one year later the sky hasnt fallen, the sun still rises, and Cher didnt move to Canada. Plus, Canadas not building a wall to keep US out.

Yet.

There will be no Trumpageddon. Or Hillary Apology Tour.

Dear Trump supporters: Despite what your hero says, the press is not the enemy of the American people. The real enemy of the American people is butterand politicians who have no sense of humor. Too many of us have turned into chubby fast-food junkies who cant take a fucking joke.

The president is guilty on both counts.

And no matter how many misspelled tweets and blabbermouth declarations he makes, there was no voter fraud or Yugest Inauguration Crowd Ever Seen.

Period.

And Trump wont be impeached for election ambiguities or for damaging the ozone with a massive carbon footprint comprised mostly of hair spray. Its very simple math: the House of Representatives cant agree on a catered lunch, never mind removing the president.

Democrats moan, Republicans groan. Hillary speaks, the president tweets. Leaving people like me to ask the really important questions, like: Whatever happened to covfefe-flavored covfefe?

American politics has always been a clown show, but our latest presidential circus finished as a fifty-fifty proposition that left this country divided right down the middle. Trumps hyperpatriotic motto MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! resonated with one-half of the population. The rest bought into the ultrabland HILLARY FOR AMERICA! They both promised to bring back manufacturing jobs.

Which will all be done by robots within the next seven years.

And this clowniest of all clown shows ended up with no clowning at all. Funny friends I love from both sides of the aisle have lost their minds and all attempts at humor as they rage-tweet against Republicans or tweet-brag at the Democrats in a nonstop series of social media insult bombs. Hillary and Trump are both infected by the unfunny flu. Now theyre coming to get the rest of us. But not on my fucking watch.

#MakeAmericaLaughAgain

Fake News: Trump won in a landslide.

Alternative Fact: Hillary handed him a last-minute squeaker.

Trump promised to drain the swamp. He didnt. He just filled it up to overflowing with rich friends and family members. Just like Hillary would have done. And each tribe still drenches our electronic devices on a weekly basis, continuing the political turmoil with ridiculous partisan bullshit.

Chelsea Clinton tries to tell Republicans-at-large that she doesnt care about money. After a three-million-dollar wedding to a hedge fund founder. Eric Trump says Democrats arent even peopleunless they play golf on Trump-owned courses, Im guessing. Because Erics only real contribution to society so far is knowing the difference between a nine iron and a lob wedge. And how much to charge you for using both.