Jill Orr - How Not to Be Old (Even If You Are)

HOW NOT TO BE OLD

(EVEN IF YOU ARE)

Copyright 2020 by Jill Orr

Illustrations 2020 by Kate Wong

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Prospect Park Books

2359 Lincoln Avenue

Altadena, California 91001

www.prospectparkbooks.com

Distributed by Consortium Books Sales & Distribution

www.cbsd.com

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data is on file with the Library of Congress. The following is for reference only:

Orr, Jill

How Not to Be Old (Even When You Are) / by Jill Orr 1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-945551-93-2

1. Humor: General. 2. Humor: Cultural. I. Title.

Illustrations & cover design by Kate Wong

Book layout & design by Amy Inouye, Future Studio

First edition, first printing

Printed in China

Contents

WHAT IS OLD?

Aging gets a bad rap, even though we all know its better than the alternative. Basically, getting older just means youre not dead yet, and not being dead is kind of the whole point.

But getting older is not to be confused with getting OLD.

Old has life experience, but OLD wont shut up about it. Old knows what they want out of life; OLD is intolerant of anything less. Old enjoys a slower pace of life, while OLD tops out at 37 mph on the highway.

The good news is that while being old is a privilege, becoming OLD is optional. And its easy to avoid with a few simple updates. This book will show you how a slight adjustment in behavior and thinking will help you more fully connect with todays world and with the people who will be in charge of your nursing home one day.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU NEED THIS BOOK

You involuntarily make a noise when you sit down.

You think TikTok is the sound a clock makes.

Youve said, at some point in the last 30 days, I cant hear myself think.

You pretend you understand text abbreviations sent by Millennial coworkers and may have once used AF because you thought it meant and friends!

You play canasta, mahjong, or bridge.

You consider dad jokes just jokes.

Your recent Google searches include ergonomic chairs, better sleep supplements, and/or how to delete a post on Facebook.

You have not recognized an SNL musical act in the past year.

You insist that your new European comfort shoes are also stylish.

You carry coins and get excited about exact change.

You still say things are the bomb. Or, tragically, da bomb.

Your texts have perfect grammar and punctuation.

You were given this book as a gift.

GENERATIONAL REFERENCE CHART

STEP 1: STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SERVICE IN RESTAURANTS

Phrases to strike from your vocabulary:

Are you sure this is decaf?

Can you turn the music down?

There seems to be a draft in here.

Wow, $16 for a burger?

You hear how that sounds, right? Yes, the soup could be warmer, the table could be farther from the kitchen, and the bartender could pour the Chardonnay just a little bit quickerbut take a deep breath. Its going to be okay. Voicing an endless list of things that arent quite up to your standards screams, I AM OLD AND ENTITLED. Young people usually dont complain unless its a hair-in-your-salad type situation. Mostly theyre just happy not to be eating ramen with their five roommates in their 47-square-foot apartment.

Time for an update:Recognize that while yes, youre paying for a good experience, good doesnt mean perfect. And nitpicking things to death will only cause you and anyone youre dining with to focus on the negative. Blow off the small stuff and be happy that you didnt have to cook or do dishes. And that you dont live in a studio apartment. With five of your closest friends.

btw

You will never be the same temperature as the young people in any given room. Dress accordingly.

STEP 2: MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH TATTOOS

While it used to be that tattoos were the domain of Hells Angels and ex-cons, this is no longer the case. Like, at all. Need proof? Go to the nearest elementary school, ask to speak with any kindergarten teacher under the age of 40, and then ask if they have a tattoo. Spoiler alert: They do.

These days it is harder to find people who do NOT have tattoos than those who do. No amount of furrowing your brow and asking why people feel the need to do that to their bodies is going to change that. Tattoos are here to stay. Literally. So your best bet is to get over it.

Time for an update:Try to see the beauty in them. Art is art, even when the canvas is someones neck.

Phrases to strike from your vocabulary:

But what if you want to work in an office someday?

Explain to me again why you felt the need to get that [fill in the blank] permanently etched onto your skin?

Do you realize what thats going to look like in 20 yearsor 20 pounds?

Tell me the story behind that one!

While asking about someones tattoos may be your well-meaning way of showing interest, tattoos can be very personal, and people might not want to talk about their meaning with the lady in line behind them at Kroger.

10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN OLD PERSON TRAPPED IN A YOUNG PERSONs BODY

1. You cant stay up past 10 p.m.

2. People always tell you that youre an old soul.

3. You hear about a new illness and are convinced you have it.

4. You are often considered the mom or dad of your friend group.

5. You turn down invitations to parties because finding something to wear is exhausting.

6. Youve replaced all your heels with wedges.