Jill Stark - When You’re Not OK a toolkit for tough times

When Youre Not OK

Jill Stark is an award-winning journalist and author with a career spanning two decades in both the UK and Australian media. She spent ten years on staff at The Age covering health and social affairs as a senior writer and columnist, and now works as a freelance journalist, media consultant, and speechwriter. Her first book, High Sobriety , was longlisted for the Walkley Book Award and shortlisted in the Kibble Literary Awards. Her second book, Happy Never After , is a self-help memoir about mental health.

Scribe Publications
1820 Edward St, Brunswick, Victoria 3056, Australia
2 John Street, Clerkenwell, London, WC1N 2ES, United Kingdom

First published by Scribe 2019

Copyright Jill Stark 2019

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publishers of this book.

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

9781925849332 (Australian edition)
9781912854622 (UK edition)
9781925693959 (e-book)

Catalogue records for this book are available from the National Library of Australia and the British Library.

scribepublications.com.au
scribepublications.co.uk

To all the warriors doing it tough you are not alone

Contents

Authors Note

We all struggle. Some people might tell you that they dont, but they do. So lets start by acknowledging that youre normal. Not a single person on this planet can escape tough times. And if you secretly worry that youre weird or broken or unfixable, congratulations, thats normal, too.

Despite what social medias airbrushed amphitheatre might have us believe, sadness, anxiety, hurt, jealousy, loneliness, anger, disappointment, and the countless other forms of emotional turmoil we all experience are completely natural facts of life. Theyre what make us human.

But just because the struggle is real doesnt make it easy. There are days when hiding under the covers and blocking out the world seems like the safest bet. Sometimes the road gets so bumpy, it feels as if well never regain our footing. And when the ground beneath us is crumbling, it can be hard to navigate a way forward.

Its in those times that we need to take care of ourselves. But its also usually in those times that were at our most self-critical. I know how exhausting it can be to grapple with an internal saboteur perpetually saying, Youre a bit shit. My own saboteur is a master at magnifying shortcomings and obscuring any wins or strengths from view.

When things are bad, our internal critic can be deafening. And in an always on digital age, where lifes speed bumps and pitfalls are often filtered out of the picture, it can feel as if were the only one drowning while everyone else is #blessed and living their bliss as they glide gracefully through their perfect lives.

Those are the days or weeks or months when we need reminding that were not alone. Its in these times that we need to know that were worth fighting for: that we can survive, that these feelings are not permanent, and that we will once again reach solid ground.

Thats what this book offers signposts to help you find the path back to yourself and advice on how to be OK, even when youre not. Its a guide for those moments when you just need a little help, an emotional first-aid kit to be cracked open when shit gets a little too real. Whether youre having a bad day, or a run of bad days that seems never-ending, these pages are filled with practical self-care tips for your body, mind, and soul.

Its also a book about learning to give yourself a break when things seem broken. This is not a book thats going to tell you to just stay positive or suggest you grit your teeth, slap on a grin, and repeat I am strong, I am happy affirmations in the mirror until your brain believes it. Theres a special place in hell for purveyors of trite self-help bullshit and wellness inspo that flies in the face of reality and preys on our insecurities. You wont get that from me.

What I will share with you are things Ive found helpful when times are tough and my anxiety is peaking. Because Ive been there before. In fact, Ive been there so many times, I started thinking, I could write a book about this. So I did. I should stress that Im not a doctor or a psychologist. Im not a counsellor, a spiritual guru, or a life coach. This book is not meant to be a prescriptive guide, nor should it act as a replacement for professional therapy or medical treatment. But I am someone who knows what its like to be in a place where you have to fight your way through every moment. And Im also someone with a brain that regularly lies to me.

Ive struggled with chronic anxiety and periods of depression since I was a child. Even in the good times, my brain can be an unwieldy beast to manage. It likes to conjure up the most elaborately catastrophic predictions on everything from my health (Oh my god, is this pimple actually a melanoma?) to my career prospects (This is, without question, the worst thing youve ever written, everyone is going to see how much of a fraud you really are and demand your editor fire you from a cannon directly into the sun, where you will burn for all eternity just as you deserve).

It also offers me wildly unhelpful life advice such as 3.00 am is the best time to email your boss with detailed thoughts on their management style or The reason your best friend hasnt returned your text message is because they either hate you or have died and you should definitely spend all day obsessing about which one it is until you are either drafting a lengthy apology or making funeral plans.

Then there are the times where my brain just collapses in on itself. In 201415, I experienced a pretty serious breakdown that I nearly didnt survive. It was a long, hard road back to myself and I documented that journey in my memoir Happy Never After: why the happiness fairytale is driving us mad (and how I flipped the script) , which of course I highly recommend you check out!

The lessons I learned along the way and continue to learn every day about how to cope with the toughest times were explored at length in that book and have now been distilled into a more compact form in When Youre Not OK , in a way that I hope is accessible, practical, and ultimately hopeful. This is the book to keep by the side of your bed or tuck into your bag for those days when you need a helping hand.

I know there is no one-size-fits-all approach to good mental health, nor is there a quick fix or secret formula. We are all unique and complicated and what works for me might not be 100 per cent right for you. But my hope is that there is something in here for everyone and you will find words that resonate with you and the way you experience the world.

Ive divided these tips into self-explanatory sections to suit different moods and circumstances. Some of these tips contradict others in the book, because you need different advice for different situations. You can read it from start to finish or dip in and out, depending on what you need in that moment.

Oh, and one final thing Im not an influencer, so nothing Ive written is sponsored content. When I recommend a book or an app, its because I genuinely like it and found it helpful, not because Im being paid to say so.

This is a book that wont encourage you to ignore your reality, nor will it patronise you with platitudes. But I hope it will help you navigate a gentler path through the tough times and make it easier to accept and embrace the wonderfully messy, complex parts of yourself that make you human.