Spider Robinson - Callahans Secret

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All the stories in this volume previously appeared in Analog Science Fact/Science Fiction magazine; copyrights have been reassigned to the author by Davis Publications.

All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

CALLAHANS SECRET

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with

the author

PRINTING HISTORY

Berkley edition / July 1986

Third printing / December 1986

Ace edition / January 1988

All rights reserved.

Copyright (c) 1986 by Spider Robinson.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission. (Scanners Note: Fuck you.) For information address: The Berkley Publishing Group, 200 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016.

ISBN: 0-441-O~074-5

Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group, 200 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016.

The name ACE and the A logo are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Eleanor Wood, and Susan Allison

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword IX

The Blacksmiths Tale 1

Pyotrs Story 47

Involuntary Mans Laughter 89

The Mick of Time 105

FOREWORD

Theres something we have to get absolutely clear right at the outset, and if you think you detect a dangerous gleam in my eye, you are perfectly right.

Ordinarily I am rather a hard man to insult. This is partly because I am blessed with a self-confidence so pervasive that it is frequently mistaken for smugness by less fortunate souls, and partly because I am abnormally lazy even for a writer-if youre insulted, youre supposed to

do something about it, so I usually decline to take offence even when offered some.

Im especially hard to insult professionally, as I am willing to shamelessly admit, having practiced many of the most disgusting and heinous vices in literature-I freely confess here and now that in the twelve years since I gave up honest work I have committed editorship (twice!), agentry (also twice), and book reviewing (multiple counts), and at least one grand jury is still considering allegations of literary criticism which I have given up denying.

To my own mild surprise, however, I discover that I do have some small shreds of literary pride left, and I wish to preserve them so theres something weve got to get straight. No kidding around, now, God damn it; Im serious. Pay attention: Yes, this is a book of stories set in the tavern known as Callahans Place.

Yes, it is the last such book.

Yes, there were others.

Okay, there were two such others.

All right, dammit, yes, Berkley is packaging all of them as a unit, with coordinated covers and so forth.

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, and wed better be straight on this or theres gonna be blood in the scuppers:

I have not written a trilogy.

Repeat: not. It just so happens, by chemically pure chance, that this series of stories has reached its conclusion coincidental with the completion of the volume immediately following the one that succeeded the first one. That does not make it a trilogy.

In the first place it is not booby-trapped like most trilogies are. Neither of those first two volumes ended in the middle of a story, leaving you in midair in plot terms (although the first one, admittedly, did leave Mike Callahan literally in midair). If you have never read a Callahans Place book before, you should find this as good a place to start as any since these yarns were designed for magazine publication, each is self-contained, and you should feel no need for any wordy What-Has-Gone-Before synopsis. If you have the first book but missed the second, it wont cripple your appreciation of this one. If you feel you want to own all three volumes, whd am I to tell you what to do with your money?-but I didnt plan this whole thing to sucker you into laying out extra dollars, like Chico Marx with his tootsie-frootsie ice-a cream routine.

In the second place, it was not my idea to end this series or cycle or saga or whatever you want to call it (and I dont care what you call it as long as you dont call it a trilogy).

That was, done for me, by events beyond my control, and believe me, nobody is sadder about it than I am-no, not even my publishers, my editor, my agent, the people who currently own the TV and ifim options, or my more substantial creditors, all of whom have been heard to express dismay.

Of course its a financial disaster for me, but I dont care about that. (I also dont much mind having red-hot bobbypins rammed up underneath my fingernails.) Its a professional disaster as well, since now Ill have to think up all my own plots rather than simply dramatizing the yarns that Jake tells me-but after all, I have published seven books in which Callahans Place is never mentioned, so the in. creased creative demand shouldnt prove too arduous. (IU simply give up eating on days ending in y.),Theres eves a vague feeling of something like relief in leaving the nest of Callahans and going out into the world to make my own way; twelve years is a long time to spend in any bar.

And still a part of me wishes fervently that it didnt have to end this way.

Im going to miss Mike a lot.

Association with Callahans Place has certainly made life interesting this past dozen years-and usually pleasantly so. It got me out of the sewer, for one thing (see the Foreword to CALLAHANS CROSSTIME SALOON). It has made me a great many friends I might not otherwise have met, and one or two enemies Id have acquired sooner or later anyway. And it has been responsible for some memorable moments. (Catch me at a convention sometime, and ask me about the reader who invited me aboard his nuclear submarine-or the one who called at 5 AM. threatening to commit suicide if I didnt tell him how to get to Callahans, right now.) But fate has taken a hand, as they say, and the Callahans Place saga/series/cycle (just dont use that T word) seems to have reached its conclusion with this volume.

Does that mean, necessarily, that it has reached its completion? Will there never be another story set in that splendid fiction?

Well, in a way, from a certain perspective, I hope so. I know Ive always been rather glad that Giovanni Guareschi stopped writing about Don Camillo when he did, and the recent explosion of tourism has ruined the planet Arrakis for me forever. You can work a good thing to death, and beyond. It may be time for Callahans Place to tumble ovei the Reichenbach Falls

On the other hand, Im certain that there are Callahans Place stories Jake has never told me, things that happened in the past that he hasnt gotten around to reporting-he hints at a couple in the pages that follow. Right now, however, for reasons that will probably become clear before youve finished this book, he doesnt much want to talk about Callahans-and besides, for reasons that should also shortly become clear, hes too busy. But Im at least intuitively certain that there are still a few stories he could tell if he felt like it.

Just dont look to see them any time soon-if ever.

Last thoughts, before I go:

In the final chapter of this book, Jake reveals more than one Callahans Secret. One of them-youll know it when you get to it is, rather literally, Im afraid, potential dynamite.

Consequently I must ask you to keep the secret, and above all to try and ensure that your copy of this book does not fall into the hands of anyone above the rank of corporal in any military establishment on Earth. Pethaps I should have suppressed the story altogether. But Ive been sleeping a lot easier since Jake told me, and so Im going to take a chance and trust you. We should be safe-if anyone in military planning circles read science fiction, we probably wouldnt all have gotten into this fix in the first place. But keep it to yourself, okay?