Spider Robinson - Lady Slings the Booze

Books by Spider Robinson

TELEMPATH

CALLAHANS CROSSTIME SALOON

STARDANCE (collaboration w. Jeanne Robinson)

ANTINOMY

THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS

TIME TRAVELERS STRICTLY CASH

MINDKILLER

MELANCHOLY ELEPHANTS

NIGHT OF POWER

CALLAHANS. SECRET

CALLAHAN AND COMPANY (omnibus)

TIME PRESSURE

CALLAHANS LADY

COPYRIGHT VIOLATION

AUTHORS CHOICE MONTHLY #12: TRUE MINDS

STARSEED (collaboration w. Jeanne Robinson)

KILL THE EDITOR

LADY SLINGS THE BOOZE

THE CALLAHAN TOUCH

LADY SUNGS THE BOOZE

SPIDER ROBINSON

If you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that this book is stolen property.

It was reported as unsold and destroyed to the publisher; and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this stripped book.

The quote that appears on page 1 is from the Rockford Files episode Chicken Little Is a Little Chicken, by Stephen I. Cannel!, TM & (c) 1975 Universal City Studios, Inc.; reprinted by permission of Universal Studios and the author. All rights reserved.

This Ace Book contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition.

LADY SLINGS THE BOOZE

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with the author

PRINTING HISTORY

Ace hardcover edition/November 1992

Ace paperback edition/December 1993

All rights reserved.

Copyright (c) 1992 by Spider Robinson.

Cover art by Richard Hescox.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Berkley Publishing Group, 200 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016.

ISBN: 0-441-46929-9

ACE

Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group, 200 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016.

ACE and the A design are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated, with respect and gratitude, to; David S. Alberts, D. M. Bennett, James Buckley, Larry Flynt, Ralph Grnzburg, Maurice Girodias, Alvin Goldstein, Bob Guccione, William Hamling Hugh Heftier, E. H. Heywood, Jack Kahane Ed Lange, Charles Mackey, Marvin Mifier Edward Mishkin, Lew Rosen, Barney Rosset, Samuel Roth, HarOld Rubin, Henry Steinborn, George Von Rosen and all the courageous others who served or risked prison time for the right of all Americans to possess and enjoy pornography (literally: writings of harlots-such as this story) and other erotica.

Acknowledgments.

This book contains homage to (or, as Woody Allen says, outright theft from) Donald Westlake, John D. MacDonald, Leslie Charteris, Stephen J. Caniiell, Roy M. Huggins, Juanita Bartlett, Raymond Chandler, Robert Parker, Marco Vassi, and John Cleve. in addition to them, and to all those heroes cited in this books dedication, the author wishes to thank: -0. P. Putnams, the first major mainstream American pubusher to pnnt a work deemed obscene by many (Vladimir Nabokovs LOLITA in 1958); -Philip Jose Fanner, Robert A. Heinlein, and Theodore Sturgeon, who created the first sf characters with genitalia and a disposition to use them; -Ktistine Kathryn Rusch and Dean Wesley Smith, the only magazine editors in contemporary sf who were willing to serialize any of the Lady Sally McGee stories; -Susan Allison and Peter Heck of Ace Science Fiction (corporate descendant of the above-nientioned G. P. Putnams), who published those stories in book form; -my agent Eleanor Wood, who got Susan and Peter to pay more than they wanted for the privilege;

-David Myers, who turned me on to Nikola Tesla, with Margaret Cheneys Temarkable biography TESLA: MAN OUT OF TIME (Laurel, 1981), and the Jugoslavian film Nikola Tesla (with Orson Welles as J. P. Morgan!);

-Mary Mason and Mike Doeliman, who provided other invaluable research data pertinent to this book;

-Amos Garrett, Harry Connick, Jr.. Holly Cole, ~Spider John Koemer, Ray Charles, Paul McCartney, Dexter Gordon, and the entire catalog of Holgr Petersens Stony Plain Records and Tapes, which music kept me sane and productive during this books creation; -Richard Lord Buckley, for having stomped upon this sweet, swingin sphere; r

-and of course, my wife Jeanne and daughter Tern, sine qua ni/ill.

This book would not have been possible (or near as much fun) without all these people, and their ilk.

A harlot with sincerity and a square egg:

they both do not exist.

-Japanese proverb

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of. But do it in private, and wash your hands afterward.

-WOODROW W. SMITH

1. The Dick

Th1s games over, man! You gotta move your Boss or Rockys gonna lay a subpoena on him: then his Torpedo is gonna smoke your Old Lady, and all your Heavlesll be doin time-except for maybe your Mouthpiece, but Rockys Sheriff got him put in the corner-you got nothin left but Punks and Junkies: youre through, Jimmy.

-ANGEL MARTIN to Jim Rockford,

commenting on a chess game, In the Rockford Flies episode Chicken Little Is a Little Chicken. by Stephen J. Cannell

IT was noon before they finished scraping Uncle Louie off the dining room table.

So I missed the big Math final at ten, and with all the fuss afterward, everybody feeling sort of sony for me-and a little grossed Out by what had happened to my uncle-Mr. Cathcart never got around to making me make it up, so I ended up passing Math that semester. And it was that very night, after I thought over everything Id seen and heard of the cops who responded that morning, that I made the decision to become a private detective instead of a cop when I grew up. Id been trying to make up my mind since I was six. So it was a memorable day. Add all the pluses and minuses and take an average, youd have to say it was a pretty good day all in all. Kind of rough on Uncle Louie, of course. And it ruined that table. But it turned me away from a life of crime.

Well, serious crime.

Anyway, the point I started out to make is: can you imagine what I felt like when I came downstairs and saw Uncle Louie like that? Tremendously scared and nauseous and excited all at the same time? Heart banging and buzzing in my ears and dry mouth and shaky knees? Knowing there was really nothing to be afraid of any more, but still scared to death, feeling more like a thirteen-year-old than usual? But at the same time almost happy at getting to see something like that, knowing that now Id have a real, gruesome, Mike Hammer kind of story to tell all the guys, already planning how to tell it?

Well, thats just how I felt that night twenty years later, walking up the long curving driveway to that damned mansion.

This was exactly the kind of opportunity Id been praying for-and I was so scared I was nauseous, or possibly the other way around. Feeling like more of a thirteen-year-old than usual.

That particular mix of feelings made me think of Uncle Louie for the first time in years, and I heard going through my head the same words Id said to myself that morning when Id found him.

God, please dont let me do anything to fuck this up. This time. I just managed to stop myself short of promising to make a novena again-which I hadnt even followed through on the last time. I kept walking toward the mansion, concentrating on looking bored.

Just as I was approaching the door, I pressed my left arm against me, intending to take a little comfort from the solid presence of my gun. But theres something about those trench coats they never seem to mention in the books or movies. Theres a lot of extra material under the armpits that doesnt really need to be there, all bunched up. Ive tried a dozen different brands, and theyre all like that. So squeezing the gun; was a mistake. And doing it right by the door was bad, because of the black-and-white sitting by the door. Never wake up cops by dropping a .45 on the pavement next to them. Especially not there.