Sarah Waters - Affinity

Table of Contents

I was never so frightened as I am now. They have left me sitting in the dark, with only the light from the window to write by. They have put me in my own room, they have locked the door on me. They wanted Ruth to do it, but she would not. She said What, do you want me to lock up my own mistress, who has done nothing? In the end the doctor took the key from her & locked the door himself, then made her leave me. Now the house is full of voices, all saying my name. If I close my eyes & listen it might be any ordinary night. I might be waiting for Mrs Brink to come & take me down to a dark circle, & Madeleine or any girl might be there, blushing, thinking of Peter, of Peters great dark whiskers & shining hands.

But Mrs Brink is lying quite alone in her own cold bed, & Madeleine Silvester is downstairs weeping in a fit. And Peter Quick is gone, I think for ever.

He was too rough, & Madeleine too nervous. When I told her I could feel him near she only shook & kept her eyes shut. I said It is only Peter. You are not frightened are you, of him? Look, here he is, look at him, open your eyes. But she would not do that, she only said O, I am terribly afraid! O Miss Dawes, please dont have him come any closer!

Well, many ladies have said that, having Peter come near them for the first time, alone. When he heard her he gave a great laugh. Whats this? he said. Am I to come all this way, only to be sent back again? Do you know how hard my journey is & how much I have suffered, & all for your sake? Then Madeleine began to cry - of course, some do cry. I said Peter, you must be kinder, Madeleine is only afraid. Be a little gentler & she will let you come close to her, I am sure. But when he did step gently to put his hand on her, she gave a scream & grew at once very stiff & white. Then Peter said Whats this, you silly girl? You are spoiling it all. Do you want to be made better or not? But she only screamed again, & then she fell, she fell upon the floor & began to kick. I never saw a lady do that. I said My God, Peter! & he looked once at me then said Now you little bitch, & he caught her legs & I put my hands across her mouth. I did it only to make her be quiet & stop jerking, but when I took my hands away there was blood upon them, I think she must have bitten her own tongue or made her nose bleed. I did not even know it for blood at first, it looked so black, & seemed so warm & thick, like sealing-wax.

And even with the blood in her mouth she shrieked, until finally the row brought Mrs Brink, I heard her footsteps in the hall & then her voice, that was frightened. She called Miss Dawes, what is it, are you injured, are you hurt? & when Madeleine heard that she gave a twist, then cried out clear as anything Mrs Brink, Mrs Brink, they are trying to murder me!

Then Peter leaned & hit her on her cheek, & after that she lay very quiet & still. Then I thought we really might have killed her. I said Peter, what have you done? Go back! You must go back. But as he stepped to the cabinet there came a rattling at the handle of the door & Mrs Brink was there, she had brought her own key with her & had opened the door with that. She was holding a lamp. I said Close the door, here is Peter look & the light is hurting him! But she said only What has happened? What have you done? She looked at Madeleine lying stiff upon the parlour floor with all her red hair about her, & then at me in my torn petticoat, & then at the blood upon my hands, which was not black now but scarlet. Then she looked at Peter. He had his hands before his face & was crying Take the light away! But his gown was open & his white legs showed, & Mrs Brink would not take the lamp away until at last it began to shake. Then she cried O! & she looked at me again, & at Madeleine again, & she put her hand upon her heart. She said Not her, too? & then O Mamma, Mamma! Then she laid the lamp aside & turned her face against the wall, & when I went to her she put her fingers upon my bosom & pushed me from her.

I looked once for Peter then, but he had gone. There was only the curtain, dark & shivering, & marked with a mark of silver from his hand.

And after all, it is Mrs Brink that has died, not Madeleine. Madeleine had only fainted, & when her maid got her dressed she took her to another room & I heard her walking about & crying there. But Mrs Brink grew weaker & weaker, until finally she could not stand at all. Then Ruth came running, calling What is the matter?, & she made her lie upon the parlour sofa, all the time pressing her hand & saying You will soon be well, I am sure of it. Look, here am I, & here is Miss Dawes, that love you. I thought that Mrs Brink looked then as if she longed to speak but could not, & when Ruth saw that she said we must send out for a doctor. Then she stayed holding tight to Mrs Brinks hand while he examined her, weeping & saying she would not let it go. Mrs Brink died soon after. She never said another word, Ruth said, except to call again for her mamma. The doctor said that dying ladies very often do become like children. He said her heart was very swollen & must always have been weak, he thought it a wonder she had lived so long as this.

He might have gone then, & not thought to ask what startled her, but Mrs Silvester came while he was here & she made him go & look at Madeleine. Madeleine has marks upon her, & when the doctor saw those his voice grew quiet & he said this was a queerer business than he thought. Mrs Silvester said then, Queer? I should say it is criminal! She has made a policeman come, it is for that reason they have locked me in my room, the policeman is asking Madeleine who hurt her. She is saying Peter Quick did it, & the gentlemen are answering Peter Quick? Peter Quick? What are you thinking of?

There isnt a fire lit in all this great house, & though it is August I am awfully cold. I think I shall never be warm again! I think I shall never be calm again. I think I shall never be myself, I look about me at my own room & see nothing in it that is mine. There is the smell of the flowers in Mrs Brinks garden, & the perfumes on her mothers table, & the polish on the wood, the colours of the carpet, the cigarettes I rolled for Peter, the shine on the jewels in the jewel-box, the sight of my own white face in the glass, but it all seems strange to me. I wish I might close my eyes & open them & be at Bethnal Green again, with my own aunty in her own wooden chair. I would rather even be in my room at Mr Vincys hotel, with the plain brick wall outside my window. I would rather be there a 100 times than be here where I am now.

It is so late, they have put out the lamps at the Crystal Palace. I can see only the great black shape of it against the sky.

Now I can hear the sound of the policemans voice, & Mrs Silvester is shouting & making Madeleine cry. Mrs Brinks bedroom is the only quiet place in all the house, & I know that she is lying in it, quite alone in the darkness. I know that she is lying very still & straight with her hair let down & a blanket about her. She might be listening to the shouts & weepings, she might still be wishing she could open her mouth & speak. I know what she would say, if she could do that. I know it so well, I think I can hear it.

Her quiet voice, that only I can hear, is the most frightening voice of them all.