Beth Teitell - Drinking Problems at the Fountain of Youth

L adies, brace yourselves. Theres a war afoot, a War on Aging, and hostilities are escalating. Our life spans are lengthening, but were stressing about looking old ever younger. Yes, forty is the new thirty, but little good it does us. As you may have heard, its also the case that thirty is the new forty. Its never too early for a preventive procedureor five. These days, trying to appear young is a full-time job, with no vacation allowed. There are muscles to lean and lengthen, antiaging hair masques to apply, youthful yet age-appropriate clothing to buy, non-oldies music to listen to. If I could reclaim the years Ive spent perking my rear, Id actually be the age Im trying to feign.

Then what, Im not sure, but I do know this: to ignore your cosmetic-improvement optionsto give in to vertical lip lines and mom jeans and reading glassesis to admit defeat and fall behind, to be mistaken for a woman your own age. The shame.

Like millions of other women under crushing pressure to stem times ravages, I approach each day as if I were at spa boot camp. If Im doing things right, Ill look younger today than I did yesterday, and even more youthful tomorrow. By the end of the week, Ill be carded while trying to buy Shiraz. Whos barking out the orders? The Cosmeceutical-Industrial Complex? The Gap? Us Weekly ? Ourselves? Our husbands? Friends? Enemies? Bosses? Big Botox? All of the above? Whoever it is, the message is as sharp as your dead skin cells are dull: Age at your own risk.

We may look better, in a lineless, poreless, expressionless way, but this youth-and/or-bust imperative exacts a psychological toll. It makes normal womenacademics, housewives, nonprofit executives, for goodness sakefeel they need to be as camera-ready as actresses and newscasters, and, worse, as insecure and vulnerable to advertising as they were back in high school. Twenty years after Christie Brinkley sucked me in during her first stint as a Cover Girl, convincing me that with the right foundation I could look just like hera mask, wig, and body double would have been more like itshes wooing me again with an Advanced Radiance Age Defying line. Christie, please, take pity. Just when Id finally gotten my body image and self-esteem issues under control, here you are again, turning me into an age-orexic.

Years ago, covering the Miss America Pageant for the Boston Herald, I discovered the frightening concept of aging out. Thats what happens to girls who get too old to compete for the crown. At twenty-four, they age out of the system. At least back then I thought only beauty queens were at risk; now I realize that were all Miss Altoona. Its just that if youre not parading around in a bathing suit and a sash, the dividing line isnt quite so absolute. The cute sales associate at J. Crew wont confiscate the skimpy sundress youre trying to purchase, but make no mistake: The sell by date on your miss years is etched on your forehead all the same.

I learn my lesson every single maam day. As in: Did you find everything you were looking for today, maam?

Yes, except how to defy my age, as the multibillion-dollar cosmeceuticals industry commands. Theres Christies Cover Girl line, of course, Olays Age Defying Revitalizing Eye Gel, Keris Age Defy and Protect Moisture Therapy, A-Defiance from Serious Skin Care, Ponds age defEYEs, and so many others that it almost defies belief. Otherwise mentally sound women are turning into junkies, so desperate to defy Mother Naturethe bee-yotchthat were willing to risk our health and even our lives for the high of shaving a few years off our appearance. As one homemaker confided: Im always thinking about when I can get my Botox fix.

Im always considering miracle procedures, too, okay, I obsess about thembut I wont go the nip-and-prick route. At least I hope not. Why the hell not? a friend asked, as baffled as if Id opted for a Novocain-free root canal. Is it not wanting, on principle, to be part of the Plastic Generation? Ethically, I have nothing against mid-brow lifts and tummy tucksunless a friend is getting them, which makes me look older by comparison, and then Im aghast at her shallowness. Its more that Im not willing to risk the complications of elective surgery. The War on Aging is not without casualties. Every dayor at least every new issue of a womens magazine or the Thursday and Sunday New York Times Styles sectionsbrings grim news from the front. Friendly fire it aint. Women are suffering Thermage burns, liposuction indentations, bunching from thread face-lifts, the dreaded trout pout. I recently learned that a botched nose job can destroy your sense of smell. And with procedures running in the thousands of dollars, and many only temporary in nature, expense is also a major deterrent. Lending companies do offer financing options, but at rates that hit almost 28 percent if youre a bad risk (for repayment, not for looking better). And continuing to make loan payments long after your eyelids have resagged is like paying off your fantasy wedding years after youve divorced. Totally pathetic.

But of course its not just your face on which you must lavish funds. The older you get, the more important you consider the supporting players: hair, handbags, shoes, anything capable of diverting attention from the problem area. You may want to carry a small dog. Dress and grooming that are fine for twenty-year-oldsminimal amounts of sheer clothing, unpainted nails, unkempt hairmake the forty-year-old look like shes off her meds. The investment of time, money, and product it takes simply to appear well rested (a look no longer achievable through actual sleep) is mind-boggling. Alas, if only there were a federal maam-icare program to cover the cost of this diseasefear of looking our agethat weve caught from society. And while were at it, in addition to maternity leave, which not every woman takes anyway, employers should grant facial leave. I could sure use the time. My morning microdermabrasing-cleansing-clarifying-restoring-reversing-rejuvenating-regenerating-refining-replenishing-renewing-brightening-tightening-toning-lifting-lighteninghydrating-protecting-d efending-defining-defying-correcting-concealing-smoothing-plumping-minimizing routine takes so long that when Im done its almost night, and time to begin the ritual again. Then I lie awake at 3 A.M. , worrying that Im exfoliating the very skin Im paying a fortune to moisturize.

When I couldnt sleep the other night, I grabbed the Bliss catalog from my nightstand, where it sits atop my other favorite literature: New Beauty magazines age defying issue and the latest issue of SkinStore.coms catalog. Big mistake. Bliss was telling tales of serums that erase dark under-eye circles, exfoliation systems that can bring back taut mid-twenties skin, creams that erase vertical lip lines. I couldnt stop turning the pages. It was like reading pornonly more exciting. By the time I got to the part about Lift Fusion, a topical face-lift that uses a breakthrough M-Tox technology to make all forms of furrows visibly vamoose, not only was I flushed, but I knew I had to visit this little hottie in person. The next day I hit Sephora on my way to work and slathered on as much Lift Fusion ($140 per 1.75 ounces) as possible before a saleswoman headed over with the dreaded Can I help you? Im all set, I said, my booty practically dripping from my face. I couldnt wait to see the new me in the mirror. Alas, she looked exactly like the old me, but who was I to judge? Or, as Chico Marx once asked: Who are you going to believe? Me, or your own eyes?

With a nod to Chico, this book chronicles my quest to answer the question of our skin-deep times: Short of minimally or maximally invasive procedures, is there anything out there that actually helps? Are yoga facials the secret? Do $25-per-bag skin-gestible gummi bears truly tighten pores? (Binge on those babies and youll look like a chubby teenager.) Is it all about concealer? Should I change my name to something less middle-agey-sounding? Caitlin, maybe?