Bruce Coville - The Stinky Princess

by

(Author of My Teacher Is an Alien; Aliens Ate MyHomework; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher; Into the Land of theUnicorns, and many others)

Published by Oddly Enough at Smashwords

Copyright 1999 and 2011 by Bruce Coville

For more information about the author and his works,please visit http://www.brucecoville.com/

by

Once there was a princess named Violet whodidnt smell very good.

This was an unnatural condition for aprincess, of course, and it did not reflect well on her parents. Onthe other hand, it had nothing to do with either her birth or herupbringing. In fact, she had started out smelling just fine. Whenshe was born, she had smelled as a rosebud does when it is justbeginning to open on a misty morning in early June. When she was alittle girl she had smelled of mischief and mud pies (it was asmall kingdom, and she had an understanding nurse) as well ascinnamon, apples, and sunny afternoons. And when she was justbecoming a young lady she smelled of clear mountain streams amoment before the rain comes, of lilacs, and of a small red blossomcalled dear-to-my-heart that grew on the castle grounds and nowhereelse.

So, all in all, she smelled just as aprincess should and her parents were pretty well satisfied. Moresatisfied than the princess herself, certainly. Violet found herown smell boring, and often declared that there must be many farmore interesting scents in the world, a statement that always gaveher mother a bad case of the quivering vapors.

It did not improve matters any when Bindlepodthe goblin came to visit.

#

If it had been up to the king, he would neverhave allowed the goblin into the court to begin with. Alas for him,Bindlepod was not merely a goblin, but an ambassador fromGoblinland, with which they had recently been at war. So the kingwas obliged not merely to let him in, but to offer himhospitality.

Bindlepods skin was the color of rottingtoadstools. His bare feet slapped on the stone floors of the castlelike dirty dishrags. The pupils of his oversize yellow eyes did notstay still, but instead swam about like tadpoles, which made itvery distracting to try to hold a conversation with him.

But the most distressing thing aboutBindlepod was his smell. While nobody could say exactly whatit was he smelled of, everybody agreed that it was distinctlyunpleasant, and somehow made them think of dark and distantplaces.

Everybody, that is, except the princess.

She thought Bindlepod smelled quiteinteresting.

You must be joking, darling, said thequeen, speaking through the handkerchief she was holding over hermouth and nose.

Of course Im not joking, said Violet.

But hes revolting, sputtered theking.

I dont think so, said the princesscalmly.

I cant stand this! cried the queen, andshe fled the room, shedding copious tears as she went.

There, said the king. Now see what youvedone?

What? asked Violet, who was totallybaffled. What have I done?

As if you didnt know, sniffed her fatherbitterly.

#

Later that day the princess was walking inthe castle garden when she spotted Bindlepods frog, which wasnearly as tall as she was. It was wearing its saddle, as ifBindlepod had just returned from a ride, or was about to leave onone.

A little farther on she spotted the goblinhimself. He was perched on the stone wall, gnawing a raw fish.

Violet walked over and looked at him for afew moments. He nodded at her, but said nothing, preferring to givehis attention to the fish.

My parents dont like you, she said, partlybecause she was annoyed, but mostly to see how he wouldrespond.

The goblin took another bite from the fish,smacking his lips as he did. Then he said, Im not surprised. Areyou?

I think theyre pains, said the princess,surprising herself with her bitterness.

That doesnt surprise me either, saidBindlepod. He cleaned the last of the flesh from the fishs spine,sucked out its eyes, then tossed the skeleton over his shoulder. Itlanded in the moat with a tiny splash.

My parents are not merely pains, said theprincess, warming to her topic. Theyre royal pains.

Thats appropriate, said the goblin, whoprivately thought of Violet as sweet, but dangerous.

She climbed onto the wall and took a seatnext to him. Whats it like in Goblinland? she asked.

Bindlepod shrugged. Nice enough, if youre agoblin. Its a bit darker than here, but thats mostly because itsunderground. Its damp, too. We call it Nilbog, by the way, not`Goblinland. Thats rude. It would be like calling your kingdom`Peopleland.

Is Nilbog smelly?

Bindlepod closed his eyes, and seemed to beremembering something. Yes, he said at last, with just a hint ofa smile. Very.

Lets go there, said the princess.

You, said the goblin, are walking trouble,a danger zone with feet.

Does that mean no?

It means never in a million years! snappedBindlepod. Then he hopped down from the wall, whistled for hisfrog, and rode away.

#

Every day for the next two years, Violetasked Bindlepod to take her to Nilbog, and every day the goblintold her no. This was not because he did not like her. Actually, hehad come to find the princess fairly interesting. He had even begunto like her odor, which was not nearly as boring as that of herparents. But much as Bindlepod liked the princess, he liked his ownskin even better. More specifically, he liked his skin exactlywhere it was, and preferred to keep it there rather than have itpeeled from his bones while he was still livingan event he wasfairly sure would occur were he to run off with the kingsdaughter.

At the end of the second year it was time forBindlepod to return to his own land. As he saddled his frog toleave, the princess once again asked if he would take heralong.

Not for all the jewels in your fatherstreasury, said the goblin. Nor all the fish in his moat, headded, hoping to make the point more clearly.

Princess Violet wrinkled her nose at him.Youre not very nice!

I never claimed to be, replied the goblin.And youre something of a stinker yourself, when it comes rightdown to it.

Then he went to say goodbye to herparents.

#

Late in the first morning of the trip back toNilbog, Bindlepods frog stopped in the middle of the road andsaid, I am not taking another hop until you get that princess outof the saddlebag.

What are you talking about? cried Bindlepodin alarm.

The princess, said the frog patiently.Shes in the saddlebag, and Im getting tired of carryingher.

Why didnt you say something before now?asked Bindlepod, torn between exasperation and despair.

She bribed me, said the frog. WithJunebugs. You know I cant resist Junebugs.

Bindlepod groaned and climbed down from hissteeds spotted green back. Poking the saddlebag he said,Princess, are you in there?

No one answered.

Even so, the shape of the saddlebag wasdistinctly suspicious. So Bindlepod unstrapped it from the frog,loosened the top, and turned it over.

Out tumbled the princess.

Bindlepod sighed. What are you doinghere?

Going to Nilbog, said Princess Violet,picking herself up from the road and brushing the dust from herbackside.

You most certainly are not, saidBindlepod.

For a moment, Violet considered telling himthat if he tried to take her back she would claim he had kidnappedher to begin with, then had a change of heart, but only after hehad done unspeakable things to her, and so on. She decided againstthis tactic, mostly because she had always hated the girls whoacted that way in stories. It was a cheap way to get what youwanted.

Well, if its not Nilbog, it will besomewhere else, she said. Im not going back, and you cant makeme.