Bruce Coville - I, Earthling

by

(Author of My Teacher Is an Alien; Aliens Ate MyHomework; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher; Into the Land of theUnicorns, and many others)

Published by Oddly Enough at Smashwords

Copyright 2011 Bruce Coville

For more information about the author and his works,please visit http://www.brucecoville.com/

by

Its not easy being the only kid in yourclass who doesnt have six arms and an extra eye in the middle ofyour forehead. But thats the way its been for me since my fatherdragged me here to Kwarkis.

Its all supposed to be a great honor, ofcourse. Dad is a career diplomat, and being chosen as the firstambassador to another planet was (as he has told me more times thanI can count) the crowning achievement of his career.

Me, I just want to go homethough to hear Dadtell it, Kwarkis is home. Im afraid hes fallen in lovewith the place. I guess I cant blame him for that. What with thesinging purple forests, the water and air being sparkling clean(which really makes me feel like Im on another planet) andthose famous nights with three full moons, this truly is abeautiful place.

But its not home. The people arentmy people. Most of the time I just feel lonely andstupid.

According to Dad, the first feeling isreasonable, the second silly. Youve got cause to feel lonely,Jacob, hell say, standing over me. And Im sorry for that. Butyou have no reason to feel stupid.

A fat lot he knows. He doesnt have to go toschool with kids who can do things three times as fast as he can,because they have three times as many hands. Even worse, theyrejust basically smarter than I am. All of them. I am thedumbest one in the classwhich isnt easy to cope with, since I wasalways one of the smartest kids back home.

#

Ill never forget my first day at schoolhere. My father led me in and stood me next to Darva Preet, theteacher. She smiled that strange Kwarkissian smile, reached downone of her six arms to take my hand, then turned to the room andcried: Class! Class! Come to order! I want you to meet our newstudentthe alien youve all heard so much about!

I began to blush. It was still hard to thinkof myself as an alien. But of course, thats what I was: The onlykid from Earth on a planet full of people that I hadconsidered aliens until I got here. Now that I was on Kwarkis, thesituation was reversed. Now I was the alien.

The kids all turned toward me and stared,blinking their middle eyes the way they do when they are reallyexamining something. I stared back, which is what I had been taughtto do on the trip here. After a moment one of them dug a fingerinto his nose, pulled out an enormous booger, then popped it intohis mouth and began to chew. The sight made my stomach lurch, but Itried not to let my disgust show on my face. Fior Langis, theKwarkissian diplomat who had been in charge of preparing me forthis day, had taught me that Kwarkissians feel very differentlyabout bodily functions than we do.

Greetings, I said in Kwarkissian, which Ihad learned through sleep-tapes on my way here. I am glad to bepart of the class. I hope we will have good times together.

Everyone smiled in delight, surprised that Iknew their language. Then they all farted in unison. The sound wasincrediblea rumbling so massive that for a moment I thought asmall bomb had gone off. I jumped, even though Fior Langis hadwarned me that this was the way Kwarkissians show their approval.What she hadnt told me about, prepared me for, was thetremendous odor.

My eyes began to water.

I had a hard time breathing.

I fell over in a dead faint.

When I woke, I was in the hospital.

Since then the kids have referred to me asKilu-gwan, which means The Delicate One. I find thispretty embarrassing, since I was one of the toughest kids in classback on Earth. It doesnt really make that much difference here onKwarkis, where no one fights. But I dont plan to live hereforever, and Ill need to be tough when I get home to Earth. Backthere you have to be tough to survive.

#

The only one who doesnt call meKilu-gwan is Fifka Dworkis, who is the closest thing I haveto a friend here. Fifka was the first one who talked to me after myembarrassing introduction to the class.

Do not worry about it, Jay-cobe, he said,pronouncing my Earth name as well as he could with his strange ovalmouth and snakelike green tongue. The others will not hold youroversensitive olfactory organ against you.

He put his arm around my shoulder. Then heput another arm around my ribs, and another one around mywaist!

I tried not to squirm, because I knew he wasjust being friendly. But it sure felt weird.

To tell the truth, it wasnt just theweirdness that bothered me. It was also that I felt prettyinadequate having only one arm to offer back. Kwarkissian friendsare always walking down the street arm in arm in arm in arm in armin arm, and I wondered if Fifka felt cheated, only getting one armback.

Whether or not he felt cheated, he doesntspend a lot of time with me. Hes always kind when he sees me, buthe has never stayed overnight, or anything like that. Sometimes Isuspect that the reason Fifka is nice to me is that his mother hastold him to be. Shes part of the Kwarkissian diplomatic team thatworks with Dad.

The only real friend I have here is mydouble-miniature panda, Ralph J. Bear, who I brought with me fromEarth. In case youve been living on another planet (ha, ha) thenew double miniature breeds are only about six inches long. Ralphcan easily fit right in my hand.

I like to watch him strolling around my deskwhile I do my homework. (Yes, I still have homework; I guess somethings are the same no matter where you go!) And hes so neat andclean that Dad doesnt object to my letting him eat off my plate atthe table. I love him so much I can hardly stand it.

The Chinese ambassador gave me Ralph at thebig going-away party the United Nations threw for Dad and me. Thegift was a surprise to everyone, since the Chinese are still prettymuch holding on to the miniatures.

(Of course, between the fact that there areso few of them available, and the fact that they are sodevastatingly cute, there is an enormous demand for them. Peoplewere wildly jealous of me for having Ralph, but I figure I ought toget some benefit from being a diplomats son. I mean, noneof those people who were so jealous of Ralph were being dragged offto live on another planet!)

As it turns out, Ralph is one reason that theKwarkissians made contact with Earth in the first place. Well, notRalph J. Bear himself. But the breeding program he came from waspart of a major last ditch effort to save the pandas. According toDad, the Kwarkissians have been monitoring us for a long time. Hiscontacts say that one thing that made them decide we were worthmeeting was when we started taking our biosphere seriously enoughto really work at saving endangered species, such as pandas.

Anyway, Ralph is the only real friend I havehere. So you can imagine how horrified I was when I was asked togive him away.

What am I going to do, Ralph? I said,trying not to cry.

The genetic engineers who created theminiatures have enhanced their intelligence, too. Ralph J. Bear isvery bright, and he always knows when something is bothering me.Waddling across my desk, he stood on his hind legs and lifted hisarms for me to pick him up.

I set him on my shoulder, and he nestled intomy neck. Normally that would have made me feel a lot better. Now ithad the reverse effect, because it only made me more aware of howmuch I would miss him if I had to give him away.

#

Ive been avoiding talking about how I gotinto this mess, because it is so embarrassing, but I suppose I hadbetter explain it if any of the rest of this is going to makesense.