Andrew Kipple - People of Walmart: Shop and Awe

Copyright 2010 by Andrew Kipple, Adam Kipple, Luke Wherry
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P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410
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Fax: (630) 961-2168
www.sourcebooks.com Kipple, Andrew.
People of Walmart: shop and awe / Andrew Kipple, Adam Kipple, Luke Wherry.
p. cm.
1. ShoppingUnited StatesHumor. 2.

Wal-Mart (Firm)Humor. 3. American wit and humor, Pictorial. 4. United StatesCivilization21st centuryHumor. I.

Kipple, Adam. II. Wherry, Luke. III. Title.
PN6231.S5467K57 2010
818.60208dc22 2010026213 Printed and bound in the United States of America.
SP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS We would like to dedicate this book to our parents, Al & Elena Kipple and Tom & Diana Wherry. Thanks for putting up with us for all those years; we love you.

Oh, and Mom: In college I didnt break that kids computer playing Nerf basketball; I got drunk and angry and threw it against a wall sorry, my bad. Special thanks to Brett Fullmer for believing in our idea and giving us the support and guidance to keep our site up and running. Thanks to Patty Souza and Leslie Black for all the work they do. Thanks to Alison Fargis for thinking we could take this website and put it on paper for the world. Thank you to Peter Lynch and Sourcebooks for taking a risk on us and dealing with three inexperienced authors and making us feel like we were John Grisham. Thanks to Alec Miller for his counsel.

Thanks to all our friends and family, specifically Joe Scarpo for all his help, advice, and guidance. Adam would like to thank the teachers (you know who you are) who helped him hone his talents to become who he is today, and tell all those teachers who told him he wouldnt do anything with his life to kiss his ass! A very special NON-thanks to Luis Muniz, Frank Scholer, William Reilly McClure, Anthony Pecora, Chris Wojton, Brandon Herman, Joe Dagher, Tom Polley, Aaron Lim, Kevin Coleman, Michael Sandor, Joe Teevan, Thomas McComas, Brain Bausch, Paul Interdonato, Michael Gillott, Brian Fox, Alex Razavi, Jack Sullivan, Brandon Evans, and Clint Wherry. We hate you all. Most importantly, we would like to thank our FANS! You guys are the best. We appreciate your dedication, submissions, comments, stories, and everything else you guys do. If it werent for all of you, we wouldnt be here.

As long as you guys continue to keep up all the great work you do, we will continue to provide you with a few laughs and an escape from your day! THANK YOU! DISCLAIMER We are in no way affiliated or associated with Walmart. We also personally have nothing against Walmart. We, along with most of America, shop at Walmart for nearly everything we need. This book and our website are simply satirical social commentary about the extraordinary sights found at Americas favorite store. Walmart is Americana, baby! All photographs and stories have been submitted by the users of www. PeopleofWalmart.com, the rights to which have been granted to ALA Design, LLC.

Since we do not take the photographs ourselves, and many are taken with cell phone cameras, some of the pictures are not of the highest quality and may appear blurry and/ or out of focus. So dont look at a picture and think you are losing your sight; its just somebodys hand shaking excitedly as they run down the aisle with their camera phone. WARNING: Some of the pictures and stories contained in this book are very graphic. We are not responsible if after reading a story or looking at a picture you have the sudden urge to vomit, stab yourself in the eye, stab a nearby co-worker or friend, jump out a window, drink bleach, bathe in bleach, clean your eyes with bleach, quit your job and spend the rest of your life in a secluded cave, cut off a limb, become aroused (Really? Thats sick!), rally people for a book burning, divorce your partner, skydive without a parachute, join the Taliban, or sell all your assets and give the money to us (actually, that last one is fine). So pretty much, continue reading at your own risk. INTRODUCTION Lets face it: We all have seen the people who obviously dont have mirrors, or at least family and friends to lock them in a basement.

And for some reason, they all seem to congregate at Walmart. Its not everywhere that you can shop for milk at 10 a.m. next to a 400-pound mother of six wearing a pink tube top, leopard tights, and hooker heels. Where else can one go to pick up underwear at 3 oclock in the afternoon and spot the greatest mullet of all time? And that same guy has not only a supreme mullet, but is wearing a mustard-stained wife beater (which only accents his extreme amount of body hair) and camo pants. And yet, amazingly, its also the same place you might bump into your favorite actor, actress, musician, or thoroughly undeserved famous-for-no-reason reality star. You never know whom you will encounter, but you know youll never forget it.

PeopleofWalmart.com was founded in August 2009 by three friends after an inspirational trip to Walmart. It was another beautiful, sunny day in Myrtle Beach, and our town was buzzing about the new Walmart located just 10 miles north of, well, another Walmart. Okay, the town wasnt buzzing, but there was definitely a new Walmart right by an old one, and we needed groceries, so off to the new store we went to check it out. As the three of us perused the aisles, filling our carts with moon pies, oatmeal pies, and some delicious Walmart-brand blueberry muffin cereal (seriously, its awesome), we came across an older man. He was wearing what I have to assume are the world-record-setting shortest jean shorts and a tattered tank top that was only visible from the back or side due to his salt-and-pepper ZZ Top beard. After a few subtle looks and a quick laugh among ourselves, it was off to the frozen food section for Hot Pockets and frozen taquitos.

It was there, in that frozen food section of the brand-new Walmart, that we found our muse. She was what you could conservatively refer to as a robust woman. Now Im not a scale, but if I was forced to offer a guess Id feel safe saying 350-plus pounds (and thats using Price Is Right rules of course). And thats okay; theres nothing wrong with being overweight. This is America; its what we do. However, whats not good is accompanying that full-figured body with full-on hooker gear.

Our awe at her getup started at the bottom, with her gold high-heeled shoes accompanied by that stripper wrap that goes up the leg. After that came pink fishnet stockings that looked like they were cutting through mashed potatoes. Thankfully, her 4-inch skirt was positioned in the right place so as not to give us nightmares. Unfortunately, her tube-top didnt cover quite as much as the mannequin in the store probably showed. And of course, just in case this fine lady didnt catch our attention on her own, she accessorized her outfit with a four-year-old kid running around like a banshee on one of those sweet kid leashes disguised as a monkey backpack. On our way back home, we reflected on a profound observation of no matter what state, what town, or what time of day it is, you will always see someone or something crazy at Walmart.