Allen Callaci - Heart Like a Starfish

Heart Like a Starfish

Allen Callaci

Heart Like A Starfish by Allen Callaci

ISBN-10: 1938349350

ISBN-13: 978-1-938349-35-5

eISBN: 978-1-938349-38-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015955275

Copyright 2016 Allen Callaci

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/ .

Cover illustration, interior ornamentations and illustrations by Amy Maloof

All other illustrations by Allen Callaci

Author photo by Marc Campos

Layout and Book Design by Mark Givens

First Pelekinesis Printing 2016

For information: Pelekinesis, 112 Harvard Ave #65, Claremont, CA 91711 USA

www.pelekinesis.com

Excerpt(s) from LETS TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME: A MEMOIR OF FRIENDSHIP by Gail Caldwell, copyright 2010 by Gail Caldwell. Used by permission of Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

Excerpt(s) from Lonesome Surprise and One Of Everything by Refrigerator. Written by Allen Callaci. Used by permission of the artist and Shrimper. All rights reserved.

Excerpt(s) from Be Positive and Turn to the Stars When You're Grey by Refrigerator. Written by Dennis Callaci. Used by permission of the artist and Shrimper. All rights reserved.

Excerpt(s) from VULNERABLE SLEEP. Written by Adam Lipman. Used by permission of the artist and Shrimper. All rights reserved.

Excerpt from NIGHT LIGHT by The Mountain Goats. Written by John Darnielle. copyright 2012 Cadmean Dawn, administered by Pacific Electric. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Excerpt from THIS YEAR by The Mountain Goats. Written by John Darnielle. copyright 2004 Cadmean Dawn, administered by Pacific Electric. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

A true heros journey, Callacis memoir is layered with symbols along the path to help guide the narrator and reader. A dry, Han Solo-like humor helps us get through the heartbreak. And like a Shakespearean dream, we awaken at the end with newfound joy, cherishing this wonderful life.

Kevin Glavin, author of Rock Stars Rainbow and All The Things Youll Do!

Allen shares his amazing story by locating his personal experience in the midst of a network of relationships that sustain and define his life. He spins a web of love that shows an ability to connect with others that makes it abundantly clear how he was able to muster the strength to make it through his ordeal. He also spins a web in time that moves effortlessly back and forth across the full spectrum of his life experience in a circular rhythm that never makes you feel like youre lost. Instead, you feel like youre being taken for a spin by a great friend across the Southern California landscape he narrates so deftly. The title seems to call our attention to the remarkable contrast between the failure of the physical heart Allen was born with and the success of the spiritual heart that comes through on every page here. Thank you Allen!

John Davis, recording artist (Shrimper Records, Folk Implosion, johnhdavis.com)

For any generation... An astonishing story about how close life is to death. Written in a relatable style...Existential...using street language...Callacis true story is heartfelt!!

Claudia Lennear, featured backup singer in the Academy Award winning documentary 20 Feet From Stardom

For Dennis, Loretta, and Jen
this is as much your story as it is mine.

and a special shout out to Prednisone for keeping me strung out until 5 am all those nights so I could get this all down

Like a starfish, the heart endures its amputation.

Gail Caldwell

Conscious again. Looking at yourself, your reflection. How many pounds have you lost? 202530? Your goatee has gone all ZZ Top. Your arms are pencil thin. Dozens of IV lines protrude out from your body like tentacles. Your stomach and chest is a tightly bandaged dead field of staples, stitches and dried brown bloody blotches.

Where am I?

Your fingernails and toenails have grown into claws. You look down at your feet. They look like they could be Yodas.

WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

How long have I been out?

Weeks?

Months?

Years?

Is Obama still president?

whereamI?where am I?WHERE-AM-I?..

You get no response to the questions frenetically ping-ponging from one side of your mind to the other, only the discomfiting muffled, distorted beep coming from the medical monitor to your left.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?... WHATS WRONG WITH ME?... WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

...where am I

...where am I

...where am I

The medical monitor lets out another muffled cry.

Confused, salty tears begin to form in the ducts of your swollen eyes.

How did I end up here?

I awaken on the bathroom floor with a slightly bleeding tongue. I must have bit down on it when I blacked out. I must have blacked out hard. I grab the side of the white porcelain toilet bowl to hoist myself up. Still dizzy I look down at the cold white tiles. There is no blood.

No, no blood.

Thank God.

Ive never been one for doctors except for Dr. Seuss, Dr. Who and Dr. Bones McCoy from the original Star Trek series, but as I gaze at my colorless reflection in the tiny medicine cabinet mirror I know Im in need of some serious medical attention.

Dont panic.

MAINTAIN.

MAINTAIN.

maintain

Holy shit what would have happened had I passed out like this while driving home on the freeway?whats happening Ive never even really been sickthank God my head didnt crack itself wide open like an egg when I hit the tileplease God dont let this be anything serious I take out my cell and leave messages with my younger brother, Dennis, and older sister, Loretta, letting them know Im not feeling well and looking for a lift to go to Urgent Care please God dont let this be anything serious

And then I call her . Things have never been as strained between us as theyve been lately but I call and she picks up. I tell her as much as I can as gently as I can: I went to work I left early not feeling right but hoping its nothingwould she mind driving me to Urgent Care? I should say more. I should at least tell her the part about blacking out across the bathroom tiles. I know. But I also know Jen. I know how much she worries and how fiercely she internalizes those worries. Ill be right over, she says in a frightened hush, stay right where you are.

please God dont let this be anything serious

Jen arrives. She looks at me and looks every bit as worried as I was afraid she would be. I could say something to her but I dont. Neither of us want to go there.

Wheres your medical card?

I dont know.

What do you mean you dont know? Her eyes roll. Theyre not going to see you at Urgent Care without your medical card.

Itll work out. It always does.

Youre really unbelievable, she says with an exasperated sigh. Were you even able to eat something and keep it down today?

I tell her about the strawberry smoothie and the slice of pizza I just couldnt finish.