Stella Bingham - Great Nursing Disasters: Comedy and Catastrophe on The Wards

Idealistic eighteen-year-olds arrive in hospital hell-bent on saving lives and find themselves sweeping floors and scouring bedpans. Made worse than useless by timidity and ignorance, they are chivied by Nurse, cursed by Staff, despised by Sister and frequently finish the day in exhausted floods of tears, convinced that they are incapable of doing the simplest task well. They are often right.

Junior staff on one ward took it in turns to lay the table for Sisters supper. When it was the turn of the youngest probationer, she was determined to make a good job of it. Sister would be impressed by her domestic skills, if nothing else. She went to a great deal of trouble, carefully lining up cutlery, plates and napkin. Rolls, fruit, salt and pepper, soup and salad were arranged most artistically and she finished off her handiwork with a small vase of flowers borrowed from the patients. When Nurse had finished, the table looked fit for House and Garden and she was confident that, for once, she deserved praise.

Nurse was mistaken. A furious Sister summoned her to her office and pointed dramatically at the table. Nurse, why havent you polished the apples?

Patients and very young nurses face the prospect of Christmas in hospital with gloom: no friends or family, no port or plum pudding, a time to be endured not enjoyed. Usually they are delightfully surprised. Everyone works so hard to make it a success that, for many people, it is the jolliest Christmas they ever have.

At one large hospital, the week before Christmas was spent decking the wards with holly and mistletoe, balloons and tinsel. Well-lit trees appeared in darkened corners and the toys that poured in for the childrens ward were wrapped and tucked out of sight. Students presented their own pantomime before massed ranks of bed-patients, and sent-up sisters tried to look as if they did not mind. On Christmas Day, carol singers paraded from room to room and housemen put on false noses and carved the turkeys and hams. Blind eyes were turned to patients sipping illicit sherry then falling asleep with paper hats slipping over their eyes. For one day, diet and discipline went by the board.

One year, shortly before Christmas, the night probationer was cleaning out cupboards when she came across a pile of beautiful, laundered nightdresses. As she shook them all out and admired them, it occurred to her that here was her chance to make her own, original contribution to Christmas. She would dress each of her female patients in one of these lovely new gowns as a surprise for them and for Sister.

At five-thirty on Christmas morning, she gave out the washing bowls to an unusually awake and alert ward. When all her patients had freshened up, she produced the robes and helped the women to put them on. They were delighted and looked wonderful, the nightdresses an almost luminous white beneath the greenery. Nurse felt very pleased with herself and could hardly wait to see the surprise on Sisters face when she came on duty at eight oclock.

Sister arrived promptly, cast one glance round her ward and strode into her office, ordering Nurse to follow her. With a face like thunder, she demanded, Nurse, kindly explain why all the patients are sitting up in bed wearing shrouds.

Later, Nurse said that perhaps she should have paid more attention to the fact that each garment had a small cross embroidered on the left breast.

It was Junior Nurses first experience of working in the operating theatre and she was determined to do well. Staff Nurse laid out the trolley and explained to her what each instrument was for and in which order they would be needed. All surgeons have their idiosyncrasies and Nurse tried to remember that Mr A liked nurses to be seen and not heard, while Dr B encouraged them to gather round and learn. As for Dr C, he made his interest in pretty nurses speedily apparent if he was not kept at arms length.

Surgeon, registrar, houseman, anaesthetist all trickled in looking the worse for wear from a party the previous night, and demanded coffee to get them going. Finally, work started on the days list and Nurse watched, fascinated, as the surgeon made the first incision. Relieved to find that she felt neither sick nor faint, she began to enjoy herself and felt that she was coping well. Sister nodded her approval.

The theatre was small, crowded and stuffy and they all began to suffer from the heat, particularly those with hangovers. Beads of sweat gathered on the surgeons brow. Scrubbed and sterile, there was nothing he could do about it himself and so he followed the usual procedure and called for help.

Mop, Nurse, said the surgeon, belonging as he did to the monosyllabic school.

Yes, Doctor, said Junior Nurse. Feeling quite an old hand at theatre work, she slipped confidently from the room and came back with a floor mop and pail.

Sister was at a loss to know what to do with a very green student nurse on her first day on the ward. The sight of all those strange men in bed made her shy. Cries of Nurse went unanswered since it did not occur to her that she might be the one addressed. Other nurses were too busy to be bothered with her and she could not be kept forever occupied in the kitchen and the sluice.

Finally, Sister hit upon the idea of sending her to clean the false teeth. This would give her a chance to meet the patients and overcome her nervousness of them. And she could not do much harm with a collection of dentures.

It was not quite what Nurse had had in mind when she had chosen her profession but she was a conscientious girl. Taking a bowl, she went from bed to bed collecting false teeth from those who wore them and chatting with growing confidence about the weather and herself. She finished up with quite a full bowl and spent some time in the bathroom soaking, scraping, brushing and polishing. Quietly satisfied, she reported back to Sister that her job was done.

Oh good, Sister replied. Its nearly lunchtime so you had better give them back to the patients.

Nurse looked from her bowl of mixed dentures to the hungry patients with mounting dismay. It took an hour of trial and error before nurse and a thoroughly disgruntled helper managed to match false teeth to rightful owners.

An old woman collapsed in the street and was taken into the local Casualty Department. She had apparently been living rough. Her clothes were old, worn and dirty, she was very thin and she had a persistent cough. Casualty examined her and decided that she should be admitted to the hospital for medical care.

When she had been found a bed, Sister asked the junior probationer to undress her, give her a blanket bath and a meal. And Nurse, when youre bathing her, pay special attention to her umbilicus. Shes very dirty but I expect the poor dear has no bathroom or any other clothes to change into.

The woman was wearing an unusual quantity of clothes and Nurse had some difficulty peeling off the layers, the last of which was a small, filthy surgical belt which she put aside to wash later. Gentle sponging took off the ingrained grime and eventually the patient was dressed in a fresh nightgown and given a light meal. Nurse emerged triumphant from behind the screens and the woman, clean and comfortable, smiled her gratitude and lay back to sleep.

Sister inspected the new admission. Much better, Nurse, well done.

Thank you, Sister. Oh, Sister, Ive thoroughly scrubbed her umbilicus and put it on the line in the bathroom.

A little learning goes straight to the head of the more self-important student nurses. Burning with idealism, they long to practise what they have been taught only that morning. They press bandages and dressing upon friends with minor sprains and cuts and know precisely which potentially fatal disease sore throats and constipation might indicate. While not precisely wishing for a road accident or cardiac arrest, they are always on the lookout for someone in distress who might be in need of their skills.