Ali Millar - The Last Days: A Memoir of Faith, Desire and Freedom

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First published by Ebury Press in 2022

Copyright Ali Millar, 2022

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Cover design Sarah Whittaker
Cover images Getty Images and Shutterstock

This book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. In some cases names of people, places, dates, sequences and the detail of events have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

All scriptures quoted in the book are from the New World Translation (1984), published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, except Matthew 28 v 20, which is from the American Standard Version.

ISBN: 978-1-473-59161-5

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

This book is for Elizabeth: impossibly, always.

In memory of Chris.

In the morning it was morning and I was still alive.

Charles Bukowski

IT IS 1982 AND IN the Kingdom Hall we are Jehovahs Witnesses.

Outside the Kingdom Hall is the world. We know the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, whose sole mission is to lead us away from Jehovah and his life-giving ways. The state of the world, where men have become lovers of pleasure rather than of God, shows us the end is close and Satan is like a roaring lion, seeking to devour us. Our five meetings a week keep us safe, as does studying our Bible-based literature.

Inside the Kingdom Hall we are all brothers and sisters who speak the pure language. We are one happy family, part of the worldwide association of Christian brothers. We are here to receive Jehovahs instructions.

We have a few simple beliefs, and these are not burdensome.

We believe the Bible is the infallible word of God. We believe every word of it to be true.

We do not believe in a heavenly hope. Instead we believe Jehovah God has anointed 144,000 humans to serve at His side for eternity. Everyone who survives His coming judgment will live forever on earth.

We do not believe in hellfire. Jehovah is a God of love.

We do not believe in the Trinity, because it is an impossibility.

We believe Jesus is Gods Son and was sent to the earth to deliver us from sin.

We believe Eves sin brought pain, suffering and death into the world.

We believe the earth was created in six days, although we do not know exactly how long a Biblical day is.

We know birthdays, Christmas and Easter are all of pagan origin. We shun false worship and do not celebrate any worldly holidays. Instead, we annually observe the death of Christ. This is a time to reflect on the value of the ransom sacrifice and what it means for us as Jehovahs people.

We believe blood is sacred, and under no circumstances would we accept a blood transfusion. If we should die because of this we know we have made Jehovahs heart glad, and he will reward us with everlasting life.

We believe our bodies are holy. We do not pollute them with drugs, tobacco or excessive alcohol. We do not engage in pre-marital sex.

We believe homosexuality is a sin from which we flee. We believe we must live according to the gender assigned to us at birth.

Husbands are the head of the family; wives and children must be submissive.

We believe worldly education is of little value, and avoid further education. We know the love of money is a trap and take care not to be ambitious. Brothers often work for themselves, sisters raise the family.

To keep the congregation clean, we disfellowship unrepentant wrongdoers, taking care not to associate with them afterwards. This is an act of love.

We know Jehovah is our best friend. This heavenly friendship is more important than all earthly ones. Jehovah has chosen to save us personally from the darkness of the world. We draw close to Jehovah by praying to him three times a day.

We believe the dead will be resurrected. This gives us much hope and comfort. We see death as a temporary state, akin to sleeping.

We have a direction and purpose that worldly people lack. Our purpose is to warn others the end is coming. The battle of Armageddon will bring the end, and only baptised members of Jehovahs earthly organisation will survive. After this we will live forever in paradise.

These are the beliefs that unite us in worship; these are the beliefs we teach others in our Christian ministry; these are the beliefs you listened to and laughed at to begin with, until you needed to believe them, until they were the comfort and salve they were intended to be; these are the beliefs that sound both facile and monstrous now from a distance; these are the beliefs that were mine too, so short a time ago; these are the beliefs you fed to me; these are the beliefs you said would save my life and neither of us knew, not then, what they would do to us.

But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.

2 Tim. 3:14 NWT

This good news of the kingdom will be preached in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the end will come.

Matt. 24:14 NWT

REMEMBER THE DAY YOU SAT me on your knee and slipped the wide, worn silver band from your middle finger? You ran your fingers around the edge of it, bending your head over mine. See, you said, it has no end and no beginning: look.

I looked.

I saw you caress the indentations on the metal with your long, slender fingers, your hazel eyes gazing down at it. I took it from you and felt its cold weight beneath my own fingers.

This is how you explained God to me.

When I asked who had made the ring you did not answer.

Then you said, Its like you and me. We will be together, always, like it says in the Bible.

I didnt tell you that youd shortened the verse. You should have said we would be together always, even until the end of the world. But youd told me the world wouldnt end, that it would go on forever.

All I can think of now is you and the ring. I want to know where your desire for God came from. How do you remember the memories of someone else, Agns Varda wondered, and so do I. I want to feast on yours. I want to eat them up. I want to consume you in the hope I can make sense of you. I want to remember my conception and how it led to everything after. I want to be there in the beginning, before the earth took form and void, before the light and long before the darkness, before your Christ was impaled and risen. I will cannibalise you to take us both back there, to where this began with you and him, so long ago.