Barney Stinson - Bro on the Go

Also by Barney Stinson

The Bro Code

BARNEY STINSON
with MATT KUHN

A Fireside Book
Published by Simon & Schuster

New York London Toronto Sydney

& 2008, 2009 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Fireside Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

This Fireside trade paperback edition November 2009

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Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

ISBN 978-1-4391-7313-8
ISBN 978-1-4391-7315-2 (ebook)

A portion of this work was published in The Bro Code by Fireside in 2008.

For my vacation home

Spider-Mans uncle once said, With great power comes great responsibility, but what the great philosopher really meant was, With great power comes a never-ending string of dumbass questions. In the year since selflessly bestowing The Bro Code upon humanity I have been inundated with letters, emails, textseven a few stalker-level break-insfrom people in every corner of the globe, but mostly France.

Everyone wants to know three things:

1. Why havent you been nominated for a Nobel Prize?

2. How can one person be so handsome, smart, popular, and handsome? (The one person Im referring to is youBarney Stinson.)

3. The Bro Code is immensely entertaining, educational, and available via Fireside Books/Simon & Schuster, but it offers only general guidelines about how to live my life. What do I do when Im at the office, going to the beach, or when Im supposed to be at the office but Im at the beach? HELP!

I answer:

1. I couldnt possibly nominate myself for The Bro Codetheyve repeatedly told me its against the rulesbut you can. Nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature are due January 31 and should be addressed to:

Nobel Committee for Literature

Swedish Academy

P.O. Box 2118

SE-103 13 Stockholm

Sweden

2. I dont know, but if youre a hot chick, perhaps we could discuss it at your place sometime... though now that I think about it, I probably cant stay very long because Ive got a thing later that nightbut, yeah, no, lets talk.

3. Relax. Daddys home. The next time youre out and about and a Bro-related concern arises, just reach down your pants and whip out this handy reference guide: Bro on the Go.

For years Ive wanted to supplement the universal laws of the Bro Code with a portable handbook of advice and commentary but for various reasons had to scuttle each previous effort: The Guy-dance Counselor, Now, with Bro on the Go, Im finally able to present the observations, reflective wisdom, and inspirational nuggets Ive mined through the daily grind of being awesome.

In these pages you will find official Bro Codes in bold print alongside my own unique and powerful insights. To maximize utility, Ive organized this volume by location so that a Bro trying to choose between black or gray spandex shorts for his workout can quickly flip to A Bro at the Gym and know the answer is a resounding neither. Used this way, it is my hope that The Bro Code will calibrate your moral compass while Bro on the Go provides a map to navigate your path toward total awesomeness and maybe, just maybe, getting laid big-time.

With these tools in hand (heh), you are now armed to live the life of a Bro on the Go. So take this package of wisdom, roll it into a generous cylinder, stuff it in your front pocket, and go, Bro, go.

A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, theyre not that heavy.

Good word to say a lot on a first date?
Trustworthy.

Bad word to say a lot on a first date?
Mommy.

Manners dictate that you wait for your date to go to the restroom before checking out whether that blonde in the corner is indeed spank material.

Sure, the popcorn trick sounds like a great idea, but nobodys actually ever done it. And thats why shell never see it coming.

You can learn a lot about someone on a first date, but the only way to get her weight is to steal her drivers license.

A Bro never admits he cant drive stick. Even after an accident.

This is all the car in front of yous fault.

That whole sexy female cop with handcuffs and whipped cream thing happens far less than the adult film industry would lead you to believe.

Remember when you paid extra because you had to have a sunroof?

At a four-way stop, Bros before hos still applies.

(Heh. Four-way.)

Jumping through the window Dukes of Hazzard style is fun. Landing with the emergency break between your legs isnt.

If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

An adult channel home is a happy home.

Stuffing your matching sheet sets inside one of the pillowcases is a no-fuss way to keep your linens organized.

Even if it means banging a pot during battle scenes, a Bro should make some sort of attempt at surround sound.

If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 P.M . Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

If it looks like youll be staring at a giant Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, or Dame Judi Dench for the next ninety minutes, remember: Die Hard is probably on TV right now.

Appropriate seating arrangement for two Bros:

Bro [empty were just Bros seat] Bro.

Just a hunch, but I bet the vice president/general/police chief from the beginning is somehow behind all this.

No matter how bad it is, DO NOT WALK OUT OF A KATE WINSLET FILM: 83 percent chance of a rack cameo, highest of any multiple Academy Award nominee.

In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity.

This is not the venue to try out that new black light.

There are a million reasons not to use a credit card here, but only two silicone-filled reasons why you probably will.