Karen Alpert - I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting

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in any printed or electronic form without written permission from the author.
Copyright 2013 Baby Sideburns
All rights reserved.

Dedicated to Zoey and Holden. I write about the bad stuff because its funnier and because theres so much good stuff it wouldnt fit in a book. I love you both more than you can possibly imagine.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

This is my book. Thanks for reading it. Yeah, I could say more, but who the hell wants to read an introduction? Okay, now that thats out of the way, lets begin this shit with a bang.

For the love of God, lady, its a locker room not a nudist colony

So the other day Im sitting in the locker room at the gym leaning over to tie my shoelaces when I look up and BAM, theres a big ole giant vajayjay in my face. I shit you not. Less than a rulers length away from my eyes is someone elses hoo-ha. The last time I was this close to a vajayjay, I was coming out of my mother. And just to paint you a picture, imagine if Carrot Top never got a haircut. Yeah, like that. So two things go through my head:

Have you never heard of a towel?

Have you never heard of a razor?

The truth is I have no problem with a hairy bush but you need to cover that shit up. Even Adam and Eve wore fig leaves and they were the only two people on earth. I mean they were bumping uglies (apparently a lot considering what they started) but they were still covering up their shit. So anyways, why the hell do locker rooms make people think its okay to walk around naked?!!! I know what some of you are thinking right now.

EXHIBITIONIST NUDISTS: Its a locker room. Why on earth should we have to cover up in a locker room?

ME: Because I dont know you. You are a stranger. We have never met before. Why in Gods name should you be showing me your vagina?!

I apologize for using the real V word (insert heebie-jeebies emoticon here). But these nudists dont use words like vajayjay and hoo-ha and I need to speak their language when I talk to them. I know a few of you are glad I used the word vagina and are totally annoyed when I use words like vajayjay/hoo-ha/pink taco/yoni/bearded clam/coochie/Rumpled Slit Skin. Kidding, I have never used the phrase Rumpled Slit Skin. I dont know why, but the word vagina just bothers me for some reason. Oh yeah, because it sounds gross.

Anyways, as Im sitting there in the locker room with front row tickets I didnt buy to someone elses vajayjay, this is what I look like:

And shes blocking me in and Im totally stuck in the corner and my Zumba class is about to begin, which really doesnt matter to me because I hate that class because I cant dance worth shit but still I dont feel like being blocked in by a vajayjay. As a claustrophobe and a vagiphobe, this is like my worst nightmare EVER. I cant even say excuse me because my mouth is filled with throw up that I havent managed to swallow yet, so I hug the lockers like Im Tom Cruise on an eighty-story building in Mission Impossible and I slide out around her. I swear to God if a single pube touches me, Im going to scream and cry like Im on fire.

But guess what Im faced with as soon as I get around her. Like three other giant vajayjays. There are vajayjays everywhere I look. Agggghhhh, I have got to get out of here! As Im running through the locker room avoiding hoo-has like theyre landmines, I almost bump smack into this chick who has a towel wrapped around her waist (thank God) but is completely topless while she dries her hair. Just because your boobs are small doesnt mean theyre invisible, lady.

Half-naked hair drying lady is the last straw, so I close my eyes tight and put my hands out in front of me so I dont crash into any walls and I run for my life. Dear God, please dont let me accidentally grab any breasts, I think as I blindly bolt toward the exit with my hands out in front of me.

After what seems like an eternity, Im finally safe and sound out of the locker room and in my Zumba class trying to catch my breath and find an empty spot near the back of the room where no one will see me dancing. Of course about three minutes later guess whos standing in the front of the room. Vagina lady number one. Of course. Big bush ladies always pick the front row because they have no shame and they like to show off their shit. Well, at least shes facing forward and Ill be staring at her ass and not her camel toe the whole class.

Anyways, you know how the gym is. It always sucks motivating to get there but you feel awesome afterwards. Yeahhh, not so much this time. But that night getting undressed, I guess I kinda sorta feel like a tiny bit better about my own bush. Even though its February and I havent groomed it in like five months, its not like I havent groomed it in, uhhh, I dont know, forever.

You say vagina,
I say vajayjay,
You say penis,
I say peeper,
Vagina, vajayjay,
Penis, peeper,
Lets call the whole thing off.

Id like the Brazilian in the back please

A few days ago Im reading some funny stuff on the Internet when I stumble upon this TOTALLY AWESOME picture. And while Im supposed to be doing a million different things, all I can think is theres no Fing way I can pass by vajayjay cupcakes without writing something right away. So here goes. A few thoughts I had about these beauties:

Totally awesome pussycakes made by Amy Clites, Created by Chance, www.CreatedbyChance.blogspot.com

1. I have never ever had a single desire to lick vajayjay. Until now.

2. I do believe the only proper way to eat this is to lick the frosting off first. Slowly. With a lot of tongue. And look someone in the eye while youre doing it.

3. I mean at first Im thinking these would be like so perfect for a lesbian party. But then I realize, nooooo, these could like totally ruin a lesbian forever. Ummm, Im sorry sweetie, ever since I ate that chocolate hoo-ha, yours just tastes a little off or something.

4. Or I could be totally wrong. Im not a lesbian so I dont know. Maybe its actually the cupcake thats disappointing. Blagggh, WHAT IS THIS? Chocolate?! I was expecting that awesome vagina flavor. Kind of like when you think youre biting into a grape but its an olive. Yuck.

5. Im sitting in Panera right now and Ive got this picture like really big on my screen and theres a table of old men sitting behind me and whispering. Im so tempted to turn around and shout, Hey, quit staring at my vaginas!

6. Well, Im usually into black girls, but I kinda want a vanilla one. Is that racist?

7. I wonder if Martha Stewart has ever whipped up a batch of these. I can only imagine how beautiful her frosted vaginas would be. I used a mirror to look at myself and make sure I was adding just the perfect amount of food coloring to tint it a beautiful pussy pink.

8. Mmmm, these are soooo moist.

9. WOMAN: Want to split one with me?

FRIEND: Sure, pass me a knife and Ill give it an episiotomy.

10. Dear lady who baked these,

There better be cream in the center. Otherwise, its just gonna leave me unsatisfied.

11. I am so tempted to bring a batch of these to my next gynie appointment to hand out to everyone. Why thank you doctor, yes I would like my speculum warmed.

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