Karen Alpert - Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be A-holes

Dedicated to Zoey and Holden,
who make me feel like I must be doing something right

Copyright 2021 by Karen Alpert

Illustrations copyright 2021 by Neil Swaab

All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

hmhbooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Alpert, Karen (Blogger), author.

Title: Mamas dont let your babies grow up to be a-holes / Karen Alpert.

Other titles: Mamas dont let your babies grow up to be assholes

Description: New York, New York :

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, [2021]

Identifiers: LCCN 2020039328 (print) | LCCN 2020039329 (ebook) | ISBN 9780358346272 (hardback) | ISBN 9780358449799 | ISBN 9780358449850 | ISBN 9780358346265 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Child rearing. | Parenting. | Socialization.

Classification: LCC HQ769 .A488 2021 (print) | LCC HQ769 (ebook) | DDC 649/.1dc23

Cover design and illustrations by Neil Swaab

All photographs courtesy of the author

v1.0421

When babies are born theyre basically a-holes, right? They cry and get what they want. They wake you up in the middle of the night and get what they want. They demand food immediately and if they dont get it right away, they just keep screaming until they do. They poop on people. They vomit on people. They pull hair. They grab your boobs without asking. Etc. etc. etc. And even though its a-hole behavior, its kind of adorable and acceptable because theyre cute little babies.

And then when they turn into toddlers, that stuff starts to get a little annoying. Like when an itty-bitty newborn screams and cries for milk, youre like, Awwww, are you a thirsty little baby? But when a toddler wants a cheese stick and theyre a messy pile of snot and tears because you didnt walk to the refrigerator fast enough, youre like, Calm the F down, its coming. Thats right, not as cute.

Now imagine a grownup doing all this stuff. Throwing a tantrum in the middle of the conference room because some intern didnt wheel in the lunch order on time. Or having a complete meltdown because someone cut in line at Bed Bath & Beyond. Or going berserk on an airplane because theyre sick and tired of sitting in a cramped seat. Yup, when grownups do stuff like this, we hear about them on the evening news. A-holes, right?

So basically, as parents, we have 18 years to turn our kids into well-adjusted, kind, awesome, rule-abiding human beings by squeezing all the a-holiness out of them. And unfortunately, no ones invented an a-hole juicing machine yet (ewww, they would definitely have to name it something different). So until someone invents that (come onnnn, Shark Tank), its up to us to help our kiddos grow up to be non a-holes.

This book shows just a few of the ways Im attempting to squeeze the a-holiness out of my children before they fly the coop. It seems to be working so far. Usually. Sometimes. Like last Sunday, from 2:47 to 2:53 pm, my kids were well-behaved angels. So I recorded every minute of their angelic behavior and posted it on Instagram and claimed they act like this all the time. Just kidding. But seriously, all kids act like douchenuggets because theyre still learning whats okay and whats not. The way I see it, kids who act douchey are douchenuggets, but adults who act douchey are douchebags. Side note: If youre offended by my language, stop reading now. This is not the book for you. Put it down, back away, or feel free to host one of those big bonfire book-burning parties (say that ten times quickly!) and tell all your sensitive friends to buy my book too and you guys can all burn it together. Ill make money, youll warm your toesies, and well all be hunky-dory.

Okay, so have all the prudes left the building? Then hells yeah, lets get down to Fing business. So WTF was I saying? Oh yeahhh, how do we stop our douchenuggets from growing up to be douchebags? Are you ready for the magic answer? Drum roll please. Badadadadadadada... I have no idea. I know what youre thinking. WHAT?!! I just spent $15 on this book! ($0 if you were brilliant and checked it out at the library and are willing to hold a book that other people have held while theyre pooping.)

But heres the thing. None of us really know WTF were doing. That mom who rolled her eyes at you because you let your kid wear pajamas in public? She doesnt know what shes doing. That crunchy expert who claims to know how to convince all kids to eat organic raw vegetables covered in flaxseed? She doesnt know what shes doing. That mom who lives across the street in that giant McMansion whose perfectly-coiffed kiddos are always wearing matchy-matchy Lilly Pulitzer dresses? She doesnt know what shes doing. I mean, they all act like they know what theyre doing, but I guarantee theres been a time or two that theyve all broken down in tears and curled up at the bottom of their closet in the fetal position around a bottle of vodka or a chocolate candy bar or a flaxseed vegan nut wafer (I just made that up). But seriously, NONE of us REALLY know WTF were doing because theres no magic answer or instruction manual when it comes to parenting. And kids are like snowflakesevery one is different. Of course, kids these days are like snowflakes in other ways too, but Ill get to that later. So anyways (yes, I purposely use fake words sometimes because it helps my mistakes blend in like I did them on purpose), if I dont know all the magic answers, who am I to write a book about it?

Im just your average mom.

Im the mom who yells too much when my kids wont get their shoes on. Im the mom who forgets to order the birthday cake until the day of the party. Im the mom who has a stack of Girl Scout patches in the junk drawer because Im too lazy to attach them to my daughters vest. But guess what Ive realized? Thats not the shit that makes you a good parent. Being a good parent is all about one thing: raising your kids to be kind, happy, self-sufficient human beings. I know, barf me out the door, it sounds so hokey and lame, but its true. And I think my parenting philosophies are working. Kinda. Sorta. Well, except for on the days theyre not working and my kids are acting like jerkwads and I second-guess everything Im doing. But on the whole, my kids seem to be getting less and less douchey every year. It could be dumb luck, but mayyyybe the things Im doing are turning them into decent humans.

Like how I taught both of my kids how to use a washing machine before they were tall enough to reach the buttons. And how I let them wear pretty much anything they want as long as theyre not gonna freeze, burn, or look like an exhibitionist. And how I actually want them to lose some of their soccer games. And how I teach them to be extra nice to bullies. And how the same way I schedule after-school activities, I also schedule nothing-to-do time. Oh crap, I just told you this whole book in one paragraph. Okay, well, that was the synopsis, but maybe you want a little more explanation, so if you do, keep reading. If you dont, hopefully youve already walked out of the bookstore and lost your receipt and cant return this book now.

Bottom line, this isnt your average parenting advice book thats preachy or scientific or gonna tell you what to do. I didnt go to psychology school or get a masters in anything. The only letters I have after my name are M.O.M. But I have something much more important that proves I can write a parenting book. A nine-year-old daughter whos a picky eater and ridiculously dramatic but whos turning out to be pretty damn awesome, and a seven-year-old son who eats with his mouth open and can burp the alphabet, but whos also sensitive, caring, and hard-working. I mean, maybe theyll both grow up to be drug-dealing serial killers (if they do, come ask me for a refund), but I dont think so.