Jean Marzollo - Fathers and Babies: How Babies Grow and What They Need from You, from Birth to 18 Months

If you are a new father whose job takes you away from home on workdays, you are at a particular disadvantage when it comes to child care. On the one hand, you are expected by modern society to be an involved father, but, on the other hand, you get very little opportunity to learn the necessary skills. Raising children successfully may be partly a matter of instinct, but mostly its a matter of effective procedures learned through trial and error.

An old joke for musicians goes like this: A young man asks an older musician, How do I get to Carnegie Hall? To which the older man answers, Practice, my son, practice. You can say the same for fatherhood. It takes practice to know how to handle a crying baby in the middle of the night and to diaper a squiggly baby on a changing table. This very same practice is what makes mothers on maternity leave more relaxed than fathers who have gone back to work and what makes both parents more relaxed with their second child. But first-time fathers who work outside of the home are out of luck when it comes to practice. The world expects them to know how to be dads instantaneously, and this unrealistic expectation causes problems.

Consider what happens in many young families in the evening and on weekends. The mother, who may or may not also work away from home (it doesnt mattereither way she needs a break) asks the father to take care of the child. The father is willing, but no matter what he does, the baby cries. The mother gets annoyed because now the baby is howling. Angrily, she takes the baby from the father, who goes back to his newspaper or out for a run, which he hopes will make him feel better, but it doesnt because he feels guilty.

Scenes like this are repeated far too often in the homes of new parents. Working families today are often unhappy simply because they cant figure out how to share child care effectively. No matter how much new parents want their families to function well, they end up quarreling about who does whatwith the typical result that the father gets blamed for doing things wrong and for not doing enough. Not caring, says the wifeand heres where she may be wrong. Because fathers do care. They want to be good fathers who help their children grow up successfully. They just dont know how to go about it.

Fathers & Babies will help you become a more practiced and knowledgeable father by giving you simple advice and showing you what to do. (The information in the book is, of course, not just for you; your wife and others who care for your child may find it helpful, too.) The book aims to teach both practical skills and child development theory. Developmental theory is useful because it enables you to understand your child and to do the right things at the right time so that your child is nurtured appropriately, neither losing out on important growth experiences nor feeing pushed into them. Most of all, knowledge of child development makes it more fun to play with your baby.

Fathers & Babies will tell you specifically how babies grow and what they need from you from the time they are born until they are one and a half years old. Eighteen incredibly important monthsnaturally you want to help your child make the most of them, and you want your new family to make the most of them, tooright now. You can never go back and redo these months.

If your wife works (and all mothers do, when you think about it), you need to figure out ways to assist at home so that your wife doesnt build up resentment. Learn how to help at night, on weekends, and how to give your wife a night off. The best gift you can give your baby is a happy family, and that is hard to accomplish without a happy mother.

Fatherhood is a new state, easier for some men to adjust to than others. Many fathers (and mothers) feel the loss of freedom acutely. I couldnt plan spontaneously to go golfing anymore on Saturday morning, said one father. After working all week, I hated the thought of having to spend all weekend at home taking care of the baby. If you feel similarly trapped, you will feel less so if at least you know what youre doing. Competence is far more enjoyable than ignorance; and ignorance, thank goodness, is curable. It is also not a shameful state. Dont be embarrassed by what you dont know. How could you know it? All that matters is that you now have the impetus to learn and improve.

Dont worry if your child doesnt sit up by seven months, have teeth by eight months, and walk by a year. Time lines are general and meant to indicate a wide range of normal development. If you are concerned about your childs development, talk with your pediatrician. But remembera rose unfolds by itself without external pressures and training. So it is with a child.

As a parent, you can guide and nurture and, to some extent, shape your childs environment, but you cant control everything, so relax and dont try. Your baby is a marvel, a whole new human beingdifferent, special, unique. No matter how busy you are, take time to enjoy that fact and to receive with grace the gift that has come to you.