Dan Gediman - This I Believe: On Fatherhood

CONTENTS

Previous books published by John Wiley & Sons in the This I Believe series, edited by Dan Gediman, John Gregory, and Mary Jo Gediman:

This I Believe: On Love

Copyright 2011 by This I Believe, Inc. All rights reserved.

This I Believe is a registered trademark of This I Believe, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

On fatherhood / edited by Dan Gediman; with John Gregory and Mary Jo Gediman.

p. cm. (This I believe)

ISBN 978-0-470-87647-3 (cloth); ISBN 978-1-118-02554-3 (ebk);

ISBN 978-1-118-02556-7 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-02557-4 (ebk)

1. Fatherhood. 2. Fathers. I. Gediman, Dan. II. Gregory, John, date.

III. Gediman, Mary Jo.

HQ756.O53 2011

306.8742dc22

2011002093

To Margot Trevor Wheelock,

who was responsible for

This I Believe

Introduction

Since launching This I Believe on public radio in 2005, we have received some 90,000 essays from men, women, and young people from all walks of life. Every day, our team reads through these essays, and we have noticed that certain themes recur time and again: love and friendship, faith and spirituality, patriotism and democracy.

The parent-child relationship looms especially large in this collection as the one relationship we all experience: we are all someones child, and many of us are parents (either literally or symbolically) to a young person. It is a relationship that many of the worlds sacred texts enjoin us to honor. It is a relationship filled with joy and heartbreak, love and anger, lessons learned, and opportunities missed.

Given how prominently paternal figures play in our culture, we decided to continue our book series with this collection on fatherhood, which we hope to follow soon with an edition on motherhood. We are excited to offer you these intimate, heartfelt views into one of our most fundamental relationships. Although relatively brief, these essays brim with memorable charactersfathers, mothers, sons, and daughterstrying to navigate lifes challenges, large and small.

Under the best circumstances, fathers are a positive role model: think Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird or Dr. Cliff Huxtable from televisions The Cosby Showthe honorable, dependable, loving stalwarts who teach life lessons by example and with a touch of humor. Yet at other times, the father may be more like King Lear or Willy Loman, figures so dark and troubled that their parenting skills may have no redeeming qualities. In reality, though, most of our fathers dont fit the archetypes of literature or popular culture. They are simply humanmen trying above all else to live up to the enormous expectations that their families, modern society, and their own aspirations place on them.

Regardless of the nature of the filial bond, the father-child relationship offers innumerable opportunities for both parties to learn, and grow, and form belief.

In this book, youll read reflections from expectant dads, full of optimism and prebirth jitters, as well as from longtime parents who, through the distance of time, are able to reflect on their successes and failures as fathers. We also hear from and about adoptive fathers, single dads, step-fathers, and men who volunteer to fill the shoes of absent fathers.

Youll also read essays from children (some young and some well into adulthood) writing about their fathers. They honestly and openly introduce us to the men who shaped them, sometimes in surprising ways. They talk about the fathers they want to emulate, the mistakes they hope to avoid repeating, and the wisdom they realized they gained.

So, youre creating a guidebook for being a good father, one person said upon hearing about this collection of essays. In a way, perhaps we are. There are certainly valuable insights to be gleaned from these essays that could benefit new or soon-to-be dads. But more than that, we see this book as an invitation to reflect on the give-and-take in any relationship between an elder and a younger personthat there are opportunities for both parties to love and to grow.

We hear the wisdom and acceptance that comes with time, of children who mature enough to finally hear the message from Dad, and of fathers who finally embrace the child as he or she truly is. Sometimes the life lessons are written down, such as the police officer with a letter tucked in his locker with instructions to give it to his children in case of his death. Other times, the lessons are spoken, as when a father lectures his son on how to deal with a racist remark. Sometimes they are delivered on a basketball court, in a garden, or at the barbershop.

Taken as a whole, these stories of fathers and their children remind us that lifes most mundane momentschanging diapers, mowing the lawn, casting for fish, pondering the existence of Santa Clauscan reveal deeper, richer insights if were quiet enough and patient enough to discover them.

Truth and the Santa Claus Moment

COREY HARBAUGH

I believe our lives are condensed into moments like this one: my son Tucker approached me at the grill where I was focused on fire and dinner, unaware that his eight-year-old mind was struggling for the right words to fit around a question. Finally, he spoke: Dad, if I asked you if it was you who bought presents at Christmas instead of Santa, would you tell me?