Dads
Wit Quips and Quotes for
Fantastic Fathers
Richard Benson Illustration by Ian Boxer
DADS WIT Copyright Summersdale Publishers Ltd 2010 All rights reserved. Illustrations by Ian Baker No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publishers. Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd
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UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound in Great Britain eISBN: 978-0-85765-564-6 Disclaimer
Every effort has been made to attribute the quotations in this collection to the correct source. Should there be any omissions or errors in this respect we apologise and shall be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition. Substantial discounts on bulk quantities of Summersdale books are available to corporations, professional associations and other organisations.
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Editors Note Head of the household or family cabbie? Breadwinner or barbecue-only chef? Soft touch or tyrant? A father has many guises and being a dad provides a lifetime of magic moments, from showing your little un how to score a goal in the back garden and being looked up to as a hero (commonly stops at about eleven years old!), to dancing the funky chicken at your childs leaving home bash and being the strong shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. This collection is a celebration of why its great to be a father. Even when they all seem to think youre just a bit silly, dad always has wise words to impart. No one is too old to need their dad. And for all those new dads out there, apparently the secret of successful fatherhood is to know when to stop tickling!
FROM HERE TO
PATERNITY Oh, what a tangled
web we weave when
first we practise
to conceive.
Don Herold Children are natures very
own form of birth control. Dave Barry
The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard. Steven Wright
Every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She
must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson I feel cheated never being able to
know what its like to get pregnant,
carry a child and breastfeed. Dustin Hoffman
A ship under sail and a
big-bellied woman,
Are the handsomest two things
that can be seen common.
Benjamin Franklin It is much easier to become
a father than to be one. Kent Nerburn
I like children. If theyre
properly cooked. W. C. Fields
We have no children, except me.
Brendan Behan when asked if he had children Why are men reluctant to
become fathers? They arent
through being children. Cindy Garner
Is it to prove they had sex once? Jeremy Hardy questioning why a
man would want to be a father Ive got more paternity
suits than leisure suits. Engelbert Humperdinck
Parenthood is a lot easier
to get into than out of. Bruce Lansky
Families with babies and
families without babies are
sorry for each other. Ed Howe
L-PLATES To be a successful
father theres one
absolute rule: when
you have a kid, dont
look at it for the
first two years. Ernest Hemingway Babies are always more trouble than
you thought and more wonderful.
Charles Osgood
When you become a father, you
get scared about everything. Alex Trebek
The worst feature of a new
baby is its mothers singing. Kin Hubbard Some people have got advice, some
people have got horror stories. I like
people that look you in the eye with
a glow and say, Its gonna be cool. Russell Crowe on impending fatherhood
A baby is an inestimable
blessing and bother. Mark Twain
The most extraordinary thing
about having a child is people think
Im a responsible human being.
Colin Farrell Its like washing
dishes, but imagine if
the dishes were your
kids, so you really
love the dishes. Chris Martin on why changing nappies is so rewarding
When you are dealing with a
child, keep all your wits about
you, and sit on the floor. Austin OMalley
The toughest job in the world isnt
being a president. Its being a parent. Bill Clinton
THE GREATEST DAY
OF YOUR LIFE My daughter was
born under a lucky
star. Lionel Blair lived
in the flat above us.
Bob Monkhouse The way events are shaping,
theyll be lucky to be present
at the conception. George H. Davies on the fuss about fathers
being present at the birth of their children
Although present on the occasion,
I have no clear recollection of
the events leading up to it. Winston Churchill on his own birth On the one hand we will never
experience childbirth. On the other
hand, we can open all our own jars. Bruce Willis on the pros and cons of being a man
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