Barry Dave - Dave barry is not taking this sitting down

More praise for
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!

Barry is as funny as ever. A gifted and engaging humorist, Barry never ceases to entertain: no matter what subject, he can always find a side-splitting twist.

Publishers Weekly (starred review)

Dave Barry fans, unite! The humor is sometimes silly, sometimes embarrassing, but always vintage Dave Barry.

The Sunday Oregonian

Riffing off TV commercials with his brushes with famous people or his perplexities about women (his wife) and teenagers (his son), Barry flits among inspirations for his subjects, and that expectation of the unexpected is what has kept him popular for years. His fans will enjoy this reprise.

Booklist

One of Americas favorite funny men.

Arizona Republic

Always good for grins.

San Antonio Express-News

Also by Dave Barry

The Taming of the Screw
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
Stay Fit and Healthy Until Youre Dead
Claw Your Way to the Top
Bad Habits
Dave Barrys Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barrys Greatest Hits
Dave Barry Slept Here
Dave Barry Turns 40
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need
Dave Barry Does Japan
Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up
Dave Barrys Gift Guide to End All Gift Guides
Dave Barrys Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barrys Book of Bad Songs
Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
Dave Barry Turns 50
Big Trouble

A Ballantine Book
Published by The Random House Publishing Group

Copyright 2000 by Dave Barry

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

Ballantine and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

www.ballantinebooks.com

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2001093646

eISBN: 978-0-307-77803-1

This edition published by arrangement with Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.

v3.1

P eople often ask me: Dave, what is the best thing about being a professional humor columnist?

I always answer: The best thing is that I can help others and make the world a better place.

Then everybody has a hearty laugh, because, of course, I am lying. In fact, thats one of the great things about being a humor columnist: You can lie! You get PAID to lie! What other profession can say that?

OK, lawyers. But they have to wear suits. Whereas we humor columnists can wear whatever we want. We could report to work in a giant squirrel costume, and our employers would not question it. They might even be impressed by it, and remark upon it positively in our annual Job Performance Review. (Shows good initiative. Came to work in squirrel costume.)

When you are a professional humor columnist, people cut you a large amount of slack. I have an office at The Miami Herald, a serious, major metropolitan newspaper. Here are some of the items that I keep in that office:

A six-foot-tall plastic-foam model of a bear (named Bob);

A plastic bag containing the preserved reproductive system of an actual cow (named Bossy);

A huge mutant corn-flake wad in a display case;

A reproduction of Leonardo da Vincis painting The Last Supper, with a clock in it;

A rubber chicken wearing underpants;

An electronic gun that can make a burping noise, a puking noise, a farting noise, and all three noises combined;

An extensive collection of beers, including Old Jock Strong Ale, Bone Beer, St. George Lager (Traditional Ethiopian Flavor), Louies Evil Lager, and Blade Beer (Official Brew of the World Famous Lawn Rangers from Amazing Arcola, Ill.);

Two cans of Potted Meat Food Product, each at least 10 years old;

A picture of a man lifting 350 pounds with his private parts;

and much, much more. And guess what? Nobody thinks its odd that I have these items in my office. Because its not odd. These are all work-related items. I obtained every one of them in the course of doing my job as a professional humor columnist. They are the Tools of My Trade!

My point is that I have a wonderful job. Its WAY better than other so-called prestige jobs, such as neurosurgeon or president of the United States. Dont believe me? Lets compare the key elements of the three professions:

So the facts are clear: By any objective standard of measurement, there is no better profession than humor columnist. That is why so many people want my job. It looks so easy! In fact, as you read the columns in this book, you may find yourself thinking: Hey, I could do this. Any random person could do this!

That is where you are wrong, my friend. It takes a very special kind of random person to be a humor columnist. Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession. After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Do you think you could do this job? Do you have what it takes to be a truly professional humor columnist? To find out, take the following multiple-choice quiz:

1. The part of the newspaper that you turn to first is:
   1. The front page.
   2. The editorial page.
   3. The page that says what time The Simpsons is on.
2. The primary purpose of a newspaper column is to:
   1. Inform the readers about all sides of important issues.
   2. Change readers minds through reasoned argument.
   3. Contain the phrase weasel boogers.
3. What is the best resource to consult when confirming a fact?
   1. The encyclopedia.
   2. The Internet.
   3. Confirming a what?
4. As a journalist, you should always carry a notepad because it enables you to:
   1. Accurately recall conversations and events.
   2. Maintain a record of your research.
   3. Remove food wads trapped between your teeth.
5. If you were given the opportunity to ask one question of the Pope, what would that question be?
   1. What do you hope will be your legacy to future generations?
   2. What is the greatest moral threat facing humanity today?
   3. Can I wear your hat?
6. You write a column containing a so-called joke that is so tasteless, insensitive, juvenile, vicious, and cruel that thousands of readers write or call the newspaper to state that they are deeply offended. You should: