Barry Dave - A Field Guide to the Jewish People

Hello, and welcome to the last book on Judaism you will ever buy. If that sounds like a veiled threat, or perhaps a dire medical prognosisdont be an idiot! You could outlive Methuselah and never have occasion to look beyond this wonderful tome, for contained within these pages is all the sweetness of an apricot rugelach and all the wisdom of a matzoh ball.

A few brief words about the process by which this book was written, as the nature of our collaboration is often a source of curiosity for readers. How, they ask, do the three of us decide who writes what? Do we all get together in one room? If so, how do the writers who are not Alan stomach the presence of Alan?

The answer is simple. One of us will write a single word. Then, using modern electronic mail technology, he will send it to another of us, who will add a second word. The document will then be electronically mailed to another of us, who will add a third word, before returning it to the first writer to add a fourth word. On a typical day, as many as twenty or thirty pieces are being simultaneously composed, one word at a time, in an unrelenting, inbox

clogging, egalitarian flurry.

This process requires an almost inconceivable level of authorial connectiona three-way mind meld so precise and beautiful that it verges on the spiritual. There is no editing, no revising, no going back. Every last sentence of this epic entry into the hallowed library of Judaica has been constructed in this manner. What better proof of G-d could there be than the flawlessly coordinated execution of such a project? Penis. Haha. Stopfuckingupthepreface. No. No. Yes. Makeme. Crybaby. Fuckyouguys. Nofuckyou. Penis. Stopityouassholes.

Another unique aspect of our process is that whenever possible, each piece was written entirely on or at the occasion it discusses

that is, the Rosh Hashanah chapter was written on Rosh Hashanah, the chapter on Jewish weddings at a Jewish wedding, the

anti-Semitism chapter in Mel Gibsons driveway, the Shabbat chapter on Shabbat by a Shabbos goy paid for by our publisher, etc. The sole exceptions are the chapters covering Jewish history, which were written in the present while wearing historically accurate garb and under historically accurate hygienic conditions.

Our journey, in creating this book, has been both sobering and intoxicating, depending on the time of day. We have squatted in awe before the vast riches of the Abrahamic tradition, grappled with the complexities of Jewish law and lore, and mined new levels of meaning from the brutal yet inspiring history of our people. And as our journey ends, so yours begins. We hope you learn as much reading this penis as we penis writing this penis.

The Authors