Jonathan V. Last (Editor) - The seven deadly virtues : eighteen conservative writers on why the virtuous life is funny as hell

Templeton Press

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2014 by Templeton Press

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

The seven deadly virtues : eighteen conservative writers on why the virtuous life is funny as hell.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-59947-460-1 (hardcover : alk. paper)

ISBN 978-1-59947-461-8 (ebook) 1. Conduct of life--Humor.

2. Virtues--Humor. I. Last, Jonathan V., 1974

PN6231.C6142S48 2014

818. 602080353--dc23

2014031580

Printed in the United States of America

14 15 16 17 18 19 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Cody, Cordelia, and Emma, who make me laugh

Contents

By Jonathan V. Last

Chapter 1: The Seven Deadly Virtues
And the New York Times

By P. J. ORourke

Chapter 2: Prudence
Long Live the Queen

By Andrew Ferguson

Chapter 3: Justice
The One Virtue Nobody Really Wants

By Rob Long

Chapter 4: Courage
The Rise of Shelter in Place America

By Michael Graham

Chapter 5: Temperance
The Deadliest Virtue

By Andrew Stiles

Chapter 6: Hope
Chicago Is a Place Called Hope

By David Burge (aka Iowahawk)

Chapter 7: Charity
You Cant Give This Stuff Away

By Mollie Hemingway

Chapter 8: Faith
The Eleventh Commandment

By Larry Miller

Chapter 9: Chastity
The Final Taboo

By Matt Labash

Chapter 10: Simplicity
Or, the Many-Splendored Virtues of Hoarding

By James Lileks

Chapter 11: Thrift
The Un-American Virtue

By Joe Queenan

Chapter 12: Honesty
Its Absolutely the Best Policy (Sometimes)

By Rita Koganzon

Chapter 13: Fellowship
Reach Out and Touch Someone

By Christine Rosen

Chapter 14: Forbearance
Opting Out of the Politicized Life

By Sonny Bunch

Chapter 15: Integrity
Living by the Code of the Superman

By Jonah Goldberg

Chapter 16: Curiosity
Maybe the Cat Got What It Had Coming

By Christopher Caldwell

Chapter 17: Perseverance
All the Way to the End

By Christopher Buckley

Acknowledgments

WHEN I WAS fourteen years old, I read Christopher Buckleys first novel, The White House Mess, while on vacation at the beach. Some boys watched Neil Armstrong and decided they wanted to become astronauts and go to the moon. I read Buckley and decided that I wanted to move to Washington and become a writer. It never occurred to me that I might become friends with him. It really, really never occurred to me that we might one day appear in a book together. Without being maudlin, it is difficult to convey how much it means to me to have Christopher as part of The Seven Deadly Virtues. I am deeply grateful.

Not that Im playing favoritesthere are no favorites in our little company. One of the many joys of editing this book was the opportunity to bring together so many of my favorite writers under one banner. Look through the table of contents and what you see is my own private all-star team, the writers whom I look for and admire most. Some of them, like P. J. ORourke, Larry Miller, Jonah Goldberg, Mollie Hemingway, and Christine Rosen, Ive been friends with for years. Others, such as James Lileks, Rob Long, Joe Queenan, Iowahawk (not his real name), Rita Koganzon, and Michael Graham, Ive admired only from afar. Three members of the crewAndrew Ferguson, Matt Labash, and Christopher Caldwellhave been my colleagues at the Weekly Standard for seventeen years, since I was just a kid. They more or less taught me how to write. And then theres Sonny Bunch and Andrew Stiles, whom Ive watched grow up and develop into stud writers, too.

Im thankful to all of them for coming on this joyride.

Mind you, the caper never would have happened if Susan Arellano at Templeton Press hadnt given me the keys to the car and winked, as if to tell me that she probably wouldnt ground us if we brought it back after curfew, even if it had a few scratches on the bumper. And there wouldnt even be a car without the generous support of the John Templeton Foundation and Sir John Templeton. Many, many thanks to them for their forbearance.

Speaking of which, my wife, Shannon, is both my one true love and my editor of first and last resortan amazing stroke of fortune (for me). I couldnt have done this bookor anything else in life, reallywithout her.

And the final expression of my gratitude goes to our children, Cody, Cordelia, and Emma, who inspire virtue and vice in roughly equal measure. This book is dedicated to them because, in either mode, they make me laugh. Most of the time.

I love the three of you, all the way to the moon. And back.

JVL

Introduction

On Virtues, Past and Present

Jonathan V. Last

A TRUE STORY: The day after I was born, my pediatrician came to the hospital in scenic Camden, New Jersey, to check on me. I was the first kid, and my mother and father were, like most new parents, a hot mess. Into the room strode Dr. Ludwig Schlitt, a German immigrant in his early forties. He was straight out of central casting: trim, ramrod-straight posture; short, clipped hair; and a long facehandsome, in a Teutonic waythat could have been chiseled from the Alps. He bore an uncanny resemblance to the young Christopher Plummer.

Dr. Schlitt poked and prodded and did what doctors do to newborns. When he was satisfied that everything was perfectly blich, he turned to my parents and issued the following verdict/command: Babies ah a joy. You vill enjoy zis baby. And with that he turned and strode out of the room, heels clicking on the linoleum as he marched down the hospital hallway.

This is a funny book. You will have fun reading this book. Just not yet.

The Seven Deadly Virtues is filled with funny writers. If you want to flip ahead to P. J. ORourke or Matt Labash, by all means, go ahead. One of the joys of book reading is that no one makes you eat your spinach first. You can have the ice cream, the pecan pie, the funnel cake, and the chocolate decadence, one after another, and then circle back to the spinach whenever you like. Or even skip it altogether.

But were going to start with some spinach here, just the same. Because its good for you. And after all, thats what virtue is about.

The Original Book of Virtues

In November 1993 an unlikely book appeared at the top of the best-seller lists. Bill Bennetts Book of Virtues was a tome; 832 pages of moral instruction. People ate it up. Newsweek called it just what this country needs, and Time said it ought to be distributed, like an owners manual, to new parents leaving the hospital. Looking at a copy of The Book of Virtues today is like examining a relic from some forgotten age. You pick it up, turn it over in your hand a couple times, and think,