Jillian Roberts - Kids, Sex & Screens: Raising Strong, Resilient Children in the Sexualized Digital Age

Raising Strong, Resilient Kids in the Sexualized Digital Age

Jillian Roberts, Ph.D.

O ur kids today are seeing more sexualized content, accessed unfiltered from more screens, than ever before. Theres a tsunami of explicit photos, videos, and sexts just off the coast of your childs brain, ready to come crashing in. And all this content now fits right inside your kids pocket.

Youve probably heard horror stories: the child who stumbles onto porn while researching a science project; one who is pressured to engage in sexual acts by peers; or one who sends or receives a naked photo on social media. We all want to prevent these kinds of scenarios, but we cant put our kids in a bubble. So what can parents do?

Ive been guiding parents and children for years on the subject of sex and, unfortunately, the horror stories I just mentioned are real-world examples that come up during counseling sessions in my child psychology practice and in my company, FamilySparks.com. The past five years have brought more changes regarding sex than any other period of my professional careerI now regularly see kids stumbling onto pornography, participating in sexting, engaging in or being victimized by sexualized bullying, and feeling confused about what consent means.

Kids, Sex & Screens shows parents how to throw a life preserver to their sons and daughters. Our kids are being exposed to a great deal of sexualized content, and we dont want to put our heads in the sand but rather deal with that reality in a proactive, thoughtful way. In this book, youll learn crucial navigational tools to help keep your children safe amid these turbulent seas. Raising strong, resilient kids isnt easy in the digital age, but Ill help you through it.

The Talk is no longer a one-time conversation about the birds and the bees. By necessity, its evolved to become a series of ongoing discussions, tips, and examples offered to kids throughout the years. It must be accompanied by The Other Talk as well, the one where you acquaint kids with the online world and draw a path of safety through the myriad pitfalls that await.

SEVEN POINT Parental Compass

My goal is to help you build an open relationship with your kids, so that instead of Googling a question about their bodies or sexual content, theyll be more likely to come to you. The alternative is that they search a topic online and think, OMG, so thats what that looks likeno wonder nobody wants to talk to me about it. Unfortunately, this happens too often, and can have some deep psychological effects, including a skewed understanding of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, a distorted perception of consent, and a fractured parent-child relationship.

Well begin with an overview of the new reality our daughters and sons are living in, nearly all of which is different from the landscape in which we grew up. Ill share with you some important information about how coming of age has changed for our children. Ill then go over how the very definitions of sex have changed for this generation and talk about the effects of social media that complicate everything. The context of sex in your childs development is extraordinarily different from its role in your own growing-up years. Many kids are learning about sex or seeing sex for the first time online, either from or in the company of peers. Parents should talk with their children about how mistakes on social media, often regarding issues of sex, can follow both boys and girls into adulthood, and Ill share some examples from my practice that illustrate the dangers.

Kids, Sex & Screens does something that no other parenting book on this subject does: explain how to protect your child but also what to do if something difficult or damaging occurs. Ill introduce you to the Parental Compass, a tool that gives you the know-howand the confidenceto prevent and combat the effect of the images, media portrayals, and peer expectations your children are confronting every day.

Each point on the Compass lines up with a parenting practice that enriches the parent-child bond and builds resilience, which will equip your child to handle the increasingly complex pressures she faces in todays world. Individually, these practices may seem relatively simple, but dont let that simplicity fool you. Taken together, the Compass points are powerful and will ensure that neither you nor your children get lost in the storm of sexual content directed at your kids. Well look at each of these points, including the psychology behind them and how theyre all connected.

Throughout the book, well delve into the psychological effects that todays hypersexualized atmosphere can have on kids, illustrated by stories from my clinical practice that center around bullying on social media, video game addiction, casual sex at an early age, and more. Please know that, though these stories are based on real people I have seen in my practice, they are composites of many cases rolled into one example. Names and identifying details have been changed throughout to protect patient privacy. Although the cases may be extreme, they are not far removed from normal childhood experience, and what happened to these kids could happen to any child.

My Parental Compass is essential when youre facing difficult problems such as the ones encountered by my patients and their families, but its also essential to prevent these kinds of situations from occurring in the first place. Throughout Kids, Sex & Screens, youll find the knowledge and insight youll need to raise strong, resilient kids in our highly sexualized digital age. Parents of both boys and girls need to understand the range of content and situations their children might be exposed to, how that experience can affect kids psychologically, and the strategies parents can use to help their families in these critical moments.

Ive spent my careerin my counseling practice, as a university professor, and through FamilySparks.comhelping parents not only survive challenges but thrive as they move past them. This book offers a crash course on the principles Ive imparted to the thousands of families I have worked with during the past two decades. Times have changed, for sure, and the forces aligned in front of our kids can seem insurmountable, but together well take it one step at a time. Kids, Sex & Screens provides the map you need to navigate safe passage for your child through adolescence and beyond.

Lets get started.

CHAPTER 1

L ong gone are the days when children learned about the birds and the bees from their parents in an awkward conversation. Even the images a kid saw when he found his older brothers