James Breakwell - How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

Contents

Praise for How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else That Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

Not worried about random ostrich attacks? Maybe you should be. All the good parents are reading How to Save Your Child. You do want to be a good parent, dont you? James Breakwell is brilliant, funny, hilarious, and possibly someone youd want to have nearby in cases of ostrich attacks and accidental time travel, but what you definitely want to have around is his new book, which is a hysterical, survivable romp through this mad world.

Carrie Jones, New York Times bestselling author of Need

I adore this book, which, by the way, all parents should read for a laugh or just to realize youre not alone in the insanity.

Jill Shalvis, New York Times bestselling author of The Lucky Harbor series

Nonstop, laugh-out-loud wit sprinkled with shockingly insightful parenting truths. Literally, no other parenting book has the courage to address accidental time travel. Bravo.

Joel Willis, executive editor of The Dad

James has done it again with another hilarious book that manages to be completely off-the-wall and entirely relatable at the same time! Thanks to Jamess book, Im prepared for any situation and several steps closer to immortality.

Hal Lublin, voiceover actor and host of the podcast We Got This with Mark and Hal

Praise for Only Dead on the Inside

The quintessential guide on the topic. It will make you laugh; it will make you think; it will make you wonder the barter value of your children in case things get crazy. You need this book if you wanna live.

Kevin Sussman, actor on the hit CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory

I have to admit: I giggled.

Jessica Lahey, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure

At first I was like, Oh, great, another hilarious parenting book written by a viral internet sensation. Just what the world doesnt need. But then I finally read Only Dead on the Inside and realized this was a hilarious parenting book by a viral internet sensation with zombies and I was like, I was wrong. The world does need this! Youll chortle, youll chuckle, and you might even learn something.

Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

This guide to parenting through the apocalypse is so darkly hilarious, you dont even need to be a parent or have experienced an apocalypse to enjoy it.

Liz Climo, artist for The Simpsons, author, and creator of viral comics on lizclimo.tumblr.com

Are you a parent of cute, selfish, tiny people who look like you but dont pay rent, destroy your sleep, inspire homicidal thoughts, and shatter your self-confidence daily? Do you need help to survive this crisis? (Yes, yes you do.) Long-suffering parent, you must immediately read James Breakwells hilarious, fast-paced, and practical book chock-full of wisdom, to-do lists, rules, and big pie charts and graphs. Breakwell not only taught me how to survive the madness of parenthood, but also how to protect my babies from becoming undead, crawling, brain-eating monsters in diapers after the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

Wajahat Ali, speaker and New York Times op-ed contributor

Praise for Bare Minimum Parenting

A painfully honest and hilarious parenting book for us non-parenting-book-reading underachievers trying to survive the whole parenting experience. You know, I really could have used this book before my kids drove me insane. Next time write faster, James.

Brian Gordon, creator of the webcomic Fowl Language

James Breakwells Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child is a witty and refreshing take on parenting in a modern world. I have always enjoyed following James parental trials and tribulations on social media, and its fun seeing his musings come to life in this essential handbook!

Rebecca Mader, actress in Once Upon a Time and Lost

Ive never felt so guilt-free ignoring my child to read a book.

Laura Perlongo, Shorty Awardwinning cohost of the web series We Need to Talk and guest commentator on MTVs Catfish

Breakwell has a hit... uproariously funny and, at times, unexpectedly poignant.

Liliana Hart, New York Times bestselling author and mom of five

Other Titles by James Breakwell

Only Dead on the Inside

Bare Minimum Parenting

Prance Like No Ones Watching

Copyright 2019 by James Breakwell

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.

10440 N. Central Expressway, Suite 800

Dallas, TX 75231

www.benbellabooks.com

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First E-Book Edition: November 2019

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019016955.

ISBN 9781948836456 (trade paper)

ISBN 9781948836708 (electronic)

Editing by Leah Wilson

Copyediting by James Fraleigh

Proofreading by Lisa Story and Michael Fedison

Text design and composition by Aaron Edmiston

Cover design by Sarah Avinger

Cover and interior illustrations by James Breakwell

Printed by Versa Press

Distributed to the trade by Two Rivers Distribution, an Ingram brand

www.tworiversdistribution.com

Special discounts for bulk sales are available.
Please contact .

To cheese. No particular reason.

It just doesnt get thanked enough.

CONTENTS

Wake up. Get the kids dressed. Fight off a great white shark. Make breakfast. Get thrown back in time to the Cretaceous period. Bills.

If youre a parent, that sounds like a normal weekday morning. If youre a nonparent, it sounds like you should double-check your birth control. Nothing is more terrifying to the childless than an honest look at what its like to raise a kid. The struggle is real.

For some parts of that struggle, Im no help at all. I have no idea how youre supposed to wake up in the morning, especially since shrill beeps are powerless against parent-level exhaustion and my prototype electric-shock alarm clock was banned for being dangerous and unethical. Thanks for nothing, FDA.