Adams Kenneth M. - When hes married to mom: how to help mother-enmeshed men open their hearts to true love and commitment

Advance Praise for When Hes Married to Mom

Dr. Ken Adams has done it again. This book on mother-son enmeshment explains not only this too little understood developmental block, but points the way to liberation. The absence of psychobabble makes it clear reading both for victims and their clinicians.

John Franklin, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Counseling and Addiction Studies, University of Detroit Mercy

An engaging, clear, and extremely useful examination of this most common of family problems....I do a lot of couples therapy in my practice, and this is one of the most common unhealthy dynamics I see. This book will be enormously helpful.

John C. Friel, Ph.D., author of Adult Children

It is a compelling, insightful, and helpful guide out of the sexual and romantic labyrinths families weave.

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., author of Out of the Shadows

ALSO BY KENNETH M. ADAMS, PH.D.

Silently Seduced

Copyright 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., and Alexander P. Morgan
All rights reserved,
including the right of reproduction
in whole or in part in any form.

FIRESIDE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Designed by Mary Austin Speaker

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Adams, Kenneth M.

When hes married to mom : how to help mother-enmeshed men open their hearts to true love and commitment /Kenneth M. Adams, with Alexander P. Morgan.

p. cm.

Includes index.

1. Mothers and sons. 2. MenPsychology. 3. LovePsychological aspects. 4. Commitment (Psychology) I. Morgan, Alexander P. II. Title.

HQy55.85.A33 2007

155.924dc22 2006048844

ISBN-13: 978-0-7432-9138-5
eISBN-13: 978-1-41653-936-0

In my twenty-five years of practice, I have helped priests and politicians, media personalities and teachers, military men and medical doctors. Their case stories have informed and inspired the stories in this book. Of course, all real names and situations have been changed to maintain the anonymity of my clients. Often the stories are composites and combinations of real stories, for clarity as well as anonymity. If it appears that someone discussed in this book is identifiable in the real world, please be assured that this is merely coincidental.

To Cheryl and Zachary, the love and joy of my life
KMA

To Janice, Abraham, and Julia, my reason for being
APM

Many people have influenced the development of this book. I am particularly grateful to the men, and the women who have loved them, who found their way to my office and shared their heartfelt stories. Their struggles and paths of healing served as the basis for When Hes Married to Mom.

Dr. Patrick Carness review and endorsement of an early draft of the book helped reassure me I was on the right track. His mentoring and friendship over the years have been a great support to me. He has helped show me how to handle difficult topics many would rather not talk about. Dr. John Friel also reviewed an early draft and offered an enthusiastic endorsement. He, too, has been a valuable mentor and friend. He was particularly encouraging when I first began studying and writing about enmeshment many years ago. I am deeply grateful to them both.

Dr. Mark Schwartz has contributed an enormous body of research and clinical observations on the relationship between early attachment failure and later intimacy and sexual problems. His work has served as an important barometer for me over the course of my writing and clinical practice. It was critical to my thinking in laying the theoretical foundation for the book.

Dr. Joe and Shirley Bavonese and Carol Ross reviewed an early draft of the book and gave helpful feedback. Janice Morgan provided the working title Married to Mom for the book. Dr. Martha Turner and Judith Matheny have reminded me regularly about the importance of my writing and work in this area. Dr. Alyson Nerenberg, Bob Dilbeck, Richard Sorensen, Paul and Ginny Hartman, Charley Schults, and Eric Griffin-Shelly have also encouraged me. My good friend Carl Schuman reviewed and offered important feedback on an early draft and has generously offered his support of my work over the years. I am thankful to them all.

My associates Don Robinson, Connie Stephenson, Dr. Judith Trenkamp, and Judy Norwood offered invaluable support, wisdom, and insight regarding the enmeshment cases we treated. I am grateful to be working with such a competent group of colleagues.

My wife, Cheryl, provided encouragement and accommodation for the time I needed for this project in a schedule that was already too tight for more. She also reviewed and offered helpful feedback of the book throughout. I am endlessly and lovingly grateful.

Alexander would like to thank Susan Schwartz, Penelope Franklin, and Irene Prokop for valuable suggestions to improve the proposal for this book, while it was in early stages of development. He also appreciates the opportunity to pitch the book at the Mid-Atlantic Creative Nonfiction Summer Writers Conference in 2004. He would like to thank the conference director, Lee Gutkind, and his workshop leader, Dinty Moore, for their encouragement. He wants especially to acknowledge the hard work and beyond-duty dedication of Susan Schwartz for reviewing parts of the first draft. It is a much better book for her efforts. Finally, he sends love and appreciation to his wife, Janice, for all her encouragement and support.

We both would like to thank our agent, Jane Dystel, for her recognition of the importance of the book and her expert guidance throughout. We are also thankful to Miriam Goderich for her guidance and encouragement. We are very grateful to our editor at Fireside, Cherise Davis, for her enthusiasm and insights. Together, they championed and guided the project. We appreciate all of their efforts.

1. Annes Dilemma:
The Man Who Wont Commit

2. Dougs First Date:
The Womanizer

3. Tony Just Wants to Have Fun:
The Perpetual Adolescent

4. Father Mark Is Killing Himself:
The Burned-out Caretaker

5. Sam Loves His Computer:
The Cybersex Addict

6. Why Warren Will Never Be President:
The Disappointed Hero

7. Freddy Has Anxious Sex:
The Lost Man

8. Why Do Mother-Enmeshed Men Struggle to Be True to Themselves?
Betrayed by Enmeshment

9. Becoming Aware:
Making the Unconscious Visible

10. The Healing Journey:
About Therapy

11. Being Your Own Man:
How a MEM Can Make Things Better with Parents, Siblings, and Others

12. Divorce Mom and Dont Marry Someone Like Her:
Guidelines for MEM on Dating and Marriage

13. Should I Stay or Should I Go?
And Other Questions Asked by Women Involved with MEM

14. Guardian Angels:
Parenting Is a Spiritual Mission

15. Getting Past Enmeshment:
A New Freedom

Over the course of my twenty-five years of clinical practice, I have worked with and successfully treated hundreds of men who have excessive emotional ties to their mothers. They feel trapped, guilty, and disloyal when attempting to follow their own wishes and lead their own lives. I refer to this syndrome as mother-son enmeshment; those who suffer from it are mother-enmeshed men, MEM for short. (I also use MEM for the singular mother-enmeshed man.) Often these men are portrayed in books, movies, and television as weak and indecisive. There is little awareness that they have been damaged and that enmeshment is a major cause.