Kurcinka - Raising your spirited child: a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic

Dedicated to:

My husband, Joseph Michael Kurcinka

without your insight, wit,

and organizational eye I couldnt have done it.

My children, Joshua Thomas and Kristina Leah Sheedy Kurcinka

without you I wouldnt have known.

My parents, Richard and Beatrice Sheedy

without you I wouldnt be...

Contents

T his revised edition would not have come to fruition without the contributions of many. To them I am deeply grateful and must say thank you.

All of the parents, teachers, and children who shared their stories with meyou asked me not to share your names and I wont, but I have learned so much from you. Without you, this book would not be possible.

Lynn Jessen, friend, colleague, director of Paidea Child Development Center, emotion coach extraordinaireI have learned so much from you!

Kim Cardwell, my friend and colleague, who was with me through every word, moan, groan, and moment of elation when I was writing the first edition.

Heide Lange, my agent, who continues to believe in me and my work.

Janet Goldstein, editor of the first edition of Raising Your Spirited Child, who once again guided me in finding the support I needed to complete this edition.

Nancy Peske, whose editing skills and content knowledge were critical in the completion of this project.

Lyssa Keusch, editor, and Rebecca Lucash, editorial assistant, who smoothly ushered this project through the publication process.

The late JoAnne Ellison, who always believed in me.

The entire ECFE staff, especially Marietta Rice, Jenna Ruble, Janey Whitt, LeeAnn McCarthy, Barbara Dopp, Shannon Dufresne, Beth Hersman, Leta Fox, and Joan Kane, who each in their own way supported me from the very beginning.

Vicki Cronin, friend, colleague, and mother of the other original spirited childrenyour insights and stories remain invaluable.

Susan Perry, writer and teacher, who has continued to guide me in my writing.

Kelsey K. Sather, my Montana writing teacheryou were inspirational.

Joanne Burke, friend and seeker of knowledgeyou ask the best questions!

The late Dr. Stella Chess, originator of the longitudinal temperament research, who graciously answered my questions and always championed my work.

Joseph and Mary Kurcinka, my in-laws, who patiently supported my efforts.

Barbara Majerus, Kathy Kurz, Helen Kennedy, and Sue Nelson, my sisters, who have always been my super cheering team.

The staff of Paidea Child Development CenterI have learned so much watching your sensitive and kind interactions with the children in your care.

Norm Wallace, my high school English teacher, who told me I could write...

Thank you!

You promised me she would be an awesome adult and she is!

Lydia, mother of two

W elcome to Raising Your Spirited Child. Im Mary, your guide, licensed teacher of parents and children, fellow parent of spirited children, now all grown up. I am delighted to inform you that the information and strategies presented in Raising Your Spirited Child have soundly stood the test of time.

Sometimes as the parent of a spirited child you can feel like you are the only one. You are not. Thousands have gone before you. There is information that can make it better. Every day testimonials of parents successes utilizing this information are posted on the Raising Your Spirited Child Facebook Group page and drop into my e-mail box. It was Lydia who wrote, You taught me to listen to my child. Now because she was listened to and respected she has tremendous confidence and understands herself so well. She recently graduated from college with a triple major. She has been faced with tremendous difficulties and dealt with all of them. I wish I had been parented as I parented her.

In this third edition of Raising Your Spirited Child, new information and the latest research has been tucked into each chapter. Fresh tips are included for focusing on strengths, keeping your cool, diffusing the meltdowns, establishing clear limits, becoming a problem-solving family, reducing the frequency of conflicts with peers and siblings, and guidelines for selecting a school that fits your child.

Bedtime and Night Waking has also taken on an entirely new look. Years of working individually with families has helped me fine-tune the most helpful information to ensure that your family gets the sleep you need and deserve.

When I first sat down to write the original version of Raising Your Spirited Child, I was a mother of little ones, teaching classes for parents through the Minnesota Early Childhood Family Education Program. At the time, I was frustrated by the existing curriculums and secretly needed to talk with other parents who understood what it was like to live with a child who could scream for forty-five minutes because his toast had been cut in triangles when he was expecting rectangles. The kind of kid who would rather die than take no for an answer and could feel the seams in socks. The kind of kid the existing parenting books either failed to address or addressed in terribly negative termsterms I wasnt willing to accept.

I brought into those first spirited-child classes the latest research reports and studies of child development, communication, personality, temperament, and type. We hashed them over, tore them apart, and figured out ways to use them to help us get resistant little bodies dressed, fed, into bed, or through the grocery store with a little less hassle. By sharing our stories we allowed each other to peek into our homes, schools, and neighborhoods. We discovered similarities in the things we worried and sometimes yelled about. We shared the rules that prevailed in our families, the discipline techniques that worked and those that didnt. We learned what each of us was doing to build a healthy relationship with our spirited child.

In this edition of Raising Your Spirited Child, the stories have expanded to include those from parents who have participated in my workshops, sought my advice in private consultations, or written to me to share their experiences. Like their predecessors, these parents were willing to share with you their questions, fears, favorite strategies, and horror stories. All the anecdotes are true, the ages accurate, but all the names, places, and descriptive details are those of a storyteller. People, I have found, dont mind us looking in their windows as long as we dont share their addresses.

But theres one thing I didnt changethe opening pages. All too often, you have told me, As I read through the first few pages, I found myself crying. Although I logically expected other parents were raising children like my daughter, I had never run across any of them and was beginning to wonder if she was the only one.... And so the beginning remains the same, an invitation for you to join fellow parents of spirited children in the wild, sometimes exasperating, joyous journey of raising a child who is normal but more.

I have to admit that those fellow parents constitute a much larger group than I ever expected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that Raising Your Spirited Child would reach around the world. But that is what has happened. Its been a friend to tote along and lay on the bedside table, or to download when there is a question to be answered, a strategy to be learned, and an optimistic vision needed.

I am awed every time I am asked how I could possibly know your children so well, when Ive never met them, or if I have somehow managed to hide a video camera in your home. The reality is that I have simply listened to the stories and recognized the commonalities. It appears that while our cultures and countries are different, we are not alone, no matter where we live.