Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - Raising Your Spirited Baby

Contents

To you

and all the parents of infants seeking information, effective strategies, comfort, and a vision filled with hope for a joyful life with your spirited little one who is more.

Contents

T his book has been years in the making. It would not have been completed without the support, encouragement, guidance, shared wisdom, and stories of many contributors. I am deeply grateful and must say thank you to:

All the parents, child-care providers, teachers, and babies who have shared their stories, asked their questions, participated in my research studies, and allowed me to peek into their homes and classrooms. A special thank-you to Caroline, Betsy, Victoria, Lindsey, Kelly, Kyla, Grant, Ashlie, Abby, Brooklyn, Becca, Matt, Courtney, Kim, Rob, Megan, Shea, Jennifer, Jenny, Christina, Rachel, Teri, Lydia, Patti, Wendy, and Elky.

Janet Goldstein, consulting editor, who helped me sort, organize, brainstorm, and prioritize an overabundance of information gathered over the years. Your insights, guidance, and support have been priceless.

Liz Stein, in-house editor and wise new mom, who believed in the merit of this project. This book would not be a reality without your guiding hand, wisdom, and sharp eye for detail.

Heide Lange, my agent, the visionary dealmaker who patiently waited for me to finally say, The baby book is ready to be born.

Joe Kurcinka, my husband and best friend, who pulled me back on my feet when I floundered, and offered encouragement, perspective, humor, and understanding when I desperately needed it.

Lynn Jessen, life long friend, colleague, and one of the most effective, wise, and caring parent and child educators I have ever encountered. I have learned so much from you!

My daughter, Kristina; son, Joshua; daughter-in-law, Betsy; and grandchildren, Grace and Owen. You have made my life with spirit rich and deeply rewarding.

Jill Funk Simons, M.D., F.A.A.P., Laurel Wills, M.D., and Sara Bennett Pearce, CNM, IBCLC. I am deeply indebted to you for sharing your knowledge, support, and especially your willingness to be readers. Your detailed notes, questions, and insights have significantly enhanced the advice in this book.

Janet Crow, M.D., clinical professor, Department of Pediatrics, University of California, San Diego, for your assistance in refining the temperament and parent stress tools.

Researchers and practitioners Sara Harkness, Ph.D., Sarah Watamura, Ph.D., Bill Carey, M.D., Sean McDevitt, Ph.D., Katja Rowell, M.D., Christina Spaeth-Herrer, OTR/L, and many other brilliant individuals, for taking the time to talk with me and share your research.

Vivian Johnson, Ph.D., Monica Potter, Ed.D., and Laurel Wills, M.D., for serving on my dissertation committee.

Nicole Hall, administrative assistant extraordinaire, for transcribing interviews, summarizing research articles, organizing appointments and engagements, and more!

Kim Cardwell, Marietta Rice, Jenna Ruble, fellow parent educators and friends, for insisting on excellence and hanging in there with me for over fifteen years.

Vicki Cronin, friend, colleague, fellow parent of spirited children, infant specialist, and parent educator, for sharing your cross-cultural stories and tremendous empathy for parents.

Charrisse Jennings, child-care director and parent, for demonstrating how spirited infants can thrive in child care.

Cindy Christian, childrens librarian and friend, for inviting me to teach at our community library.

Nancy Tanner, for teaching me so much about the arousal system and the importance of patience.

Eric Funk, for sharing his creative genius.

My sisters, Barbara, Kathy, Helen, and Suzanne, whose daily emails start my day in the office with warm greetings and news of family.

Kelsey Sathers, Brook Merrow, Patricia Agnew, and Margaret Dowling, my Montana writing group. Your in-depth questions and creative inspiration made writing fun and less lonely.

Rossi, my favorite doodle, who let me know when it was time to stop to take a walk!

G reetings and welcome to Raising Your Spirited Baby. Im so glad you have opened this book. I envision it as a gift for youa guidebook for the first eighteen months of life with the little human sparkler who has come into your home. The one who is bright, delightful, but a bit challenging when not handled carefully. Whether your baby is an off-the-charts, all-the-time spirited baby (which youll read about in the coming chapters) or a less intense version, Im here to give you a new approach to life with your baby.

By the way, Im Dr. Mary, a licensed parent and early childhood educator, researcher, bestselling author of the classic book Raising Your Spirited Child, collector of stories, and parent of one spunky and one spirited infantboth now grown-up, and prospering.

The idea of writing a spirited-baby book came to me years ago, after surviving my own spirited infants first eighteen months, but I failed to write it. First, because I was too blown away to accomplish such a task. Second, I was not certain if it truly was more challenging to raise an infant who is what I call normal but more. Perhaps the issue was me and my own lack of skills. Despite my holding graduate degrees in child development and parent education and actively teaching classes for parents, my sons lack of sleep and frequent bouts of shrieking left me bewildered and exhaustedfor months on end. I questioned myself when strategies that seemed to have worked for everyone else failed in my house. This was not how it was supposed to be. The experience was so humbling I even considered quitting my job as a parent educator.

Fortunately, I continued teaching, with a focus on parents and educators of infants, toddlers, preschoolers, and school-age children. When my classes on spirited children touched a nerve and word spread, I added author to my rsum, writing Raising Your Spirited Child, and later Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook; Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles; and Sleepless in America. Still I did not go back to the baby book. I conducted workshops and keynoted conferences nationally and internationally. I created a private consultation business providing guidance for families across the world, yet the idea for the spirited-baby book sat frozen in the back of my mind.

Over the years, though, I kept hearing from families who struggled in these early months. No matter what their circumstances, they were exhausted by endless nights of sleep deprivation, frustrated that recommended strategies were not working, and demoralized by the sense that they were doing something wrong. I finally accepted that my experience had not been unique. These babies truly were more intense, confusing, yet amazing little ones, and they did require greater skill from their parents. Yet accepted parenting practices simply did not address their needs. It was time to find a better way.

I began a fervent quest to understand several underlying questions: What made these babies spirited? Did the same factors that influenced older childrens behavior also apply to infants? What was life like for their parents? And most important, what did both the babies and the parents need to thrive?

In my quest for knowledge, I returned to graduate school to complete a doctorate in education. In the process I reviewed the latest research on temperament, parent-infant interaction, neuroscience, self-regulation, attachment, child development, and sleep. I identified parents of spirited babies at pediatric clinics by asking them to complete a temperament survey describing the characteristics of their babies. I then interviewed parents of the spirited babies, asking them to describe their thoughts and feelings when their baby cried or did not sleep; how their baby was similar to or different from others they knew; and how life with their baby had affected their adult relationships. Eager to share their stories, they described feelings of shock at how challenging it was to be the parent of this baby, intertwined with a sense of awe for the powerful spirit that lay within their child. The parents tales of successes and joys mixed with those of confusion, doubts, and disappointments. I listened for common themes as well as the gems of insights not previously mentioned in the research.