Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Raising Children to be More Caring and C

Writing Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles was at times a real struggle. This book would not have been completed without the insights, stories, questions, and support offered by many, many people. To them I wish to say thank you. In random order as always

Joseph M. Kurcinka, my husband, friend, and life partner, who keeps me centered with his wit, helps me to see the vision of where I need to go, and offers endless hours of support.

Joshua and Kristina Kurcinka, my children, who have taught me a great deal about my own emotions, have helped me to hone my skills, and have been an absolute delight to parent.

Richard and Beatrice Sheedy, my parents, who have always believed in me and have been there for me.

Joseph A. and Mary E. Kurcinka, my father-and mother in-law, who raised a really neat son.

Megan Newman, my editor, who has trusted me, given me space and time to work, and offered key insights for the manuscript.

Megans assistants, Hillary Epstein and Matthew Benjamin, who always made sure that I got the information and support I needed.

Heide Lange, my agent, who has now coordinated three great book projects for me.

Susan Weinberg, an associate publisher at HarperCollins, for her leadership and support.

LeeAnn McCarthy, who first named my workshop Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles way back in 1993.

Barbara Majerus, Kathy Kurz, Helen Kennedy, and Suzanne Nelson, my sisters, who call and e-mail to offer their support.

Gary Smolik, the guy with the incredible vocabulary who as a fellow writer made the writing process much more fun and vibrant.

Debbie Ross, who coordinates my classes at the Jewish Community Center.

Peggy Gilbertson, the persistent, spirited adult who insists that I also teach for Southlake Clinic and Minnetonka Community Education.

Paul Krambeer, from the Jewish Community Center, who always ensures that my classroom is organized and ready for class.

Sharon Kaniess, Monell Jakel, Molly Hartenett, Joan Bergman, and Sue Ward, the staff at St. Paul Highland ECFE, who taught with me and shared their insights.

Terry Bedard, who helps to make our home a place of rest and rejuvenation.

The staff of Paidea, who let me watch them teach and share their stories with me.

Kelly Olson, Anne Gallagher, and Peggy Rhoden Rosemount, Apple Valley ECFE staff, who teach with me and put up with extra-long debriefing sessions.

Judi Marshall, Linda White, Jennie Smith, and Mary Kemper, ECFE staff, who have also tested the material for me.

Vicki Cronin, colleague and friend, whose enthusiasm is invaluable.

Ann Porter, Mary Boozell, Susan Reppe, Danielle McClusky, Marcia Sosso, and Lana Hanson, ECFE and Learning Readiness office staff, who always make me feel special with their warm greetings.

Karen Peckles, coordinator of Family Services for Rosemount Apple Valley, who has always supported my work.

Tom, Lindsey, and Kellen Fish, great neighbors and friends.

Tim Payne, the computer whiz who keeps my computer going.

Sharon Wentzel, who makes my slides for me and keeps my mailing list in order.

Megan Gunnar, Ph.D., University of Minnesota, who took time out of her very busy schedule to provide me with information.

Susan Hoch, Oleanna Books, who makes sure Im aware of the latest publications.

Belina Reisman, who has offered rich insights into emotions and asked thought-provoking questions.

Ellen Seesel, for helping to edit the temperament questionnaire.

Jean Kummerow and Elizabeth Murphy, who shared their knowledge about individual differences with me.

Dr. Martha Erickson and Laurie Kanyer, who took time out of their busy schedules to discuss the attachment theories with me.

Sheila Thomas and Linda Lane, who provided information about sensory integration disorder.

Bonnie Sevcik and Cindi Martin, school psychologists who were willing to spend time with me developing and reviewing the medical chapter.

Sue Rybak, an occupational therapist who also helped me with the medical chapter.

Dr. Marjorie Hogan, a heartwarming pediatrician who provided information for the medical chapter and reviewed it after working a very, very long on-call shift.

Dr. David Griffin, a great pediatrician who allowed me to interview him for the medical chapter.

Judy Sagen, an Eastview teacher and choral director who helped me see the steps.

David Rice, Ph.D., and James Cameron, Ph.D., who spent hours with me reviewing the newest research on temperament.

Dr. George Shears, M.D., Nancy Christianson, Joe Pulice, Jeanette Garcia, and Robert Brooks, Ph.D., all busy professionals who were willing to talk with me and share their knowledge.

Dan Ruckavina, who provided resources for me.

Harley Hanson, who handles the details of my travel so that I can write.

Dr. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas, who have encouraged and supported my work and been tremendous role models for me.

In memory of Joanne Ellison and Nancy Melvin, Ph.D., two very special women who have significantly influenced my life.

And, finally, to all of the parents and children who have been willing to share their stories with me, ask their honest and straightforward questions, and go below the surface to the real feelings and needs.

Thank you!

When I was writing my first book, I had recurring nightmares. Always I was on a mountainside or in an open field totally exposed. Each time people were throwing rocks and stones at me. One night the dream changed. On that night I was precariously perched on a narrow mountain trail. I carried my manuscript in outstretched arms. The steep incline of the path and the package I carried made it impossible for me to proceed. Stymied and exposed, I broke out in a cold sweat. It was then I heard my mothers voice. Look, she said, your father and I have been here ahead of you. There are steps you can walk down. She pointed them out to me, then reached up and added, Hand me your manuscript. I can hold it for you. Gingerly I passed it to her, but I was still too frightened to take a step down. It was then I heard my husband say, Its okay. Im right here behind you. You can do it.

I woke from my dream with a great sigh of relief. After that night the nightmares stopped. The warmth and support I felt from my family protected and carried me. I was able to finish my book.

I thought of this dream and the deep connection I felt with my family over the next few years as I watched parents working with their kids. I saw parents who could scoop up a toddler heading for the electrical outlet, blow on their childs tummy, and turn a potential power struggle into a delight of giggles. I watched the mother of a four-year-old stop him with just an arch of her eyebrow. I listened as a ten-year-old skillfully negotiated with his parents a plan that allowed him to spend time with his friend and get his room clean. And I saw parents and teens who were happily living and working together instead of declaring war. I wondered, How did they do it?