Claire Lerner - Why Is My Child in Charge?: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children

WHY IS MY CHILD IN CHARGE?

Published by Rowman & Littlefield

An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706
www.rowman.com

Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK

Copyright 2021 by Claire Lerner

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lerner, Claire, author.

Title: Why is my child in charge? : a roadmap to end power struggles, increase cooperation, and find joy in parenting young children / Claire Lerner.

Description: Lanham : R & L, [2021] | Includes bibliographical references and index. | Summary: Through stories of her work with families, the author shows parents how making critical mindshifts-seeing their childrens behaviors through a new lens-empowers them to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire Lerner offers a roadmap for implementing practical and proven solutions that are based in science and work in real lifeProvided by publisher.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021003809 (print) | LCCN 2021003810 (ebook) | ISBN 9781538149003 (cloth) | ISBN 9781538149010 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Child rearing. | Behavior modification. | Parenting. | Parent and child.

Classification: LCC HQ769 .L3855 2021 (print) | LCC HQ769 (ebook) | DDC 649/.1dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021003809

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021003810

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

For Sam and Jess,
I adore and appreciate you more every day.

You are my inspiration to never stop learning and growing.

T he stories in this book come directly from my work with families. The names and identifying details have been changed to protect their confidentiality. Some of the children featured in the cases throughout this book have an underlying special need, such as a sensory processing disorder or significant anxiety. Many of the strategies I suggest can be very effective in managing the challenging behaviors these children struggle with. But, if you have a child with special needs, or who has experienced trauma, or whose challenging behaviors are so frequent and intense that they are interfering in her daily functioning, I strongly encourage you to consult with a child development professional with whom you can work directly to make a full assessment and devise a tailored intervention plan.

1. Foreword
   Tovah P. Klein

1. Foreword
   Tovah P. Klein

T here are so many people who helped make this book possible, to whom I am immensely grateful.

To the families I work with, who have allowed me into their hearts, minds, and homes to partner with them to be the best parents they can be. In my world, they are the perfect parents: when things with their children arent going in a positive direction, they take the time to step back to reflect, gain new insights, and make the necessary course corrections to put in place a better path for themselves and their children. These kids are so lucky to have such sensitive moms and dads guiding and supporting them as they grow.

To my agent, Joelle Delbourgo, and editors, Carrie Cantor and Suzanne Staszak-Silva, who believed in the power of these stories to provide meaningful support to families with young children.

To ZERO TO THREE, my professional home for more than twenty years, for providing endless opportunities to build my knowledge and skills alongside the most talented and committed group of early childhood experts and champions.

To Teri Kozlowski, Sami Cook, and Jenny Gorski of Teekoz Kids, my incredibly talented OT colleagues, who helped me understand the powerful role sensory processing plays in understanding what makes children tick, enabling me to significantly enhance my ability to help the parents and children I serve.

To my amazing posse of friends, Marianne and Mark Barabak, Karen and Bob Deans, Barbara Gill, Barbara Albert, Lynette Ciervo, Nancy Shapiro, and Brian Glick. A special shout-out goes to Nicole DeCario, parent of the most feisty and adorable toddler, who read the entire manuscript and provided invaluable guidance on how to make it better; Barbara Miller, master of the meticulous, who took the final look to be sure this manuscript was not submitted with even one typo; Lesli Rotenberg, branding genius, who worked her magic to come up with the perfect title for this book; and who, along with Marisa Nightingale, master media strategist, worked fervently to help me reach a much wider audience.

To my brothers, Stephen Lerner and Alan Lerner, and step-kids, Sammy Bar and Justin Bar, who provided endless encouragement for which I am so grateful.

To my mom, Renee Lerner, my most fervent supporter and eager editor. No one catches a run-on sentence or awkward phraseology like my mom.

To my husband, Rich, whose unconditional support and patience, and unparalleled ability to keep me laughing, even in my most frustrated moments, afforded exactly the relief I needed from the intensity of the book-writing process and got me over the finish line.

To my son, Sam, who helped me learn many of the lessons that are embedded throughout this book, about what highly sensitive children really need from their parents to thrive and the incredible joy they bring with all of their charisma, creativity, and passion.

Last, but not in any way shape or form least, to my daughter and editor extraordinaire, Jess, who read every single word of this book through an insane number of iterations and provided exceptionally incisive and detailed feedback. Jess solved problems that kept me up many nights. And she did it all with the calm and clarity that her highly reactive mother so desperately needed. I truly could not have done this without her.

T oddlers are a joy and a challenge, all at once. I have worked with young children and families for nearly three decades. I do so with passion and enjoyment knowing that it is a short, yet highly critical, time in a childs life. I can say with certainty that this is the most delightful of ages and also one filled with intense frustration for toddlers as well as their parents. Toddlers are a bundle of contradictions. They can be delicious and demanding, charming and challenging, fun loving and ferocious. Often, these dueling sides of toddlers and young children occur back-to-back or nearly simultaneously, which is why this age can be so perplexing to parents and other caregivers.

When Claire and I first met several years back, we immediately connected over our mutual love of young children and families and seeing how hard it is to be a parent of young children. We discussed how the pressures on parents were growing (and this was long before a pandemic set in). We joined over our desire to support parents during these tough and tender years that are toddlerhood.

Fast-forward a few years. I was delighted to learn that Claire was writing this book. In my book, How Toddlers Thrive, I took a deep dive into the world of the toddler, but the piece I thought parents could use more of was understanding their own thinking and approaches in the heat of the moment with their children. Claire wrote that book for you.